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AIBU?

Would you be annoyed if a relative invited themselves on your holiday?

108 replies

NumTumDeDum · 14/09/2014 23:53

Dh and I have not had a family holiday with our children ever. We booked a four night stay for the Easter break as that is what we could afford for next year.

Mil has asked to come. Dh asked me first, I felt put on the spot and found saying a clear no difficult, not wanting to hurt his feelings. This has somehow translated in his head as maybe (probably not unreasonably). He is aware however that my relationship with mil isn't brilliant.

Mil then asked me over dinner and again I felt put on the spot. It was wrapped up in a lengthy speech about how she is fed up of not going on holiday (fil doesn't like to travel) and she wants to see the children paddle in the sea. I said well, we haven't ever had a family holiday before - meaning me and Dh and the children, so I wasn't keen. I now feel like really it didn't matter what I said I wasn't going to get a great outcome. 1. I agree knowing I won't particularly enjoy it or 2. Say no and have dh and mil unhappy with me. It all just feels tainted now, which makes me feel childish, so some outside perspective would be appreciated.

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ElephantsNeverForgive · 14/09/2014 23:57

Not if it was my late DMIL, I've been on holiday with her several times and she's great fun, but my parents or DSIS no thanks.

Much as I love them, they aren't compatible holiday companions.

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Babycino81 · 14/09/2014 23:58

Stand your ground. I had a similar situation with PIL's (pre DD) and it was the one time I was v assertive and said 'no. Holidays are our only time as a couple'. I won't lie, it was awkward and uncomfortable and I was painted as the worst in the world but it's no longer an issue.

You have a right to your own family life. Tell MIL to book something herself.

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PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/09/2014 23:59

Could you sort of "make the best of it" and think that
a) she will be happy
b) the DCs get to spend quality time with Nanna
c) she can babysit on at least one evening so you and DH can go for a meal or a drink together
d) thousands and thousands of brownie points for you
e) it will make DH happy
When you say your relationship with her "is not brilliant", is she interfering/rude/snotty/a Queen Bitch/mean or rude to you, or is she just not your "thing" so to speak?
If you can see your way to putting up with her, it could be the start of a whole better footing to your relationship, and if nothing else, will give you the "moral high ground" for the future...
Could you find it in your heart to humour her, and make the DCs and DH happy?
I was thinking as if this was me; I don't dislike my MiL but I don't exactly run to greet her and think of her as a second mother to me either. I reckon I could just about put up with/make the best of a few days away with her if it made DH and the DCs happy though, if only because she is old and won't be here forever, and their memories of her are important (if that makes sense)

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NumTumDeDum · 14/09/2014 23:59

That's the problem isn't it, compatibility. She's compatible with dh and the kids. Not me though. She just dominates everything. Suspect will have to suck it up though.

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elQuintoConyo · 15/09/2014 00:01

Fuck no, as much as I love them all.

It wouldn't be a holiday.

Fil doesn't like going on holiday? Tough titty.

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NumTumDeDum · 15/09/2014 00:02

We've had issues, she's very overbearing and contradicts me with the children. I've stood my ground on that a few times, but never really felt that DH actually sees the issue. I feel she's manipulative. But yes the children would enjoy it. I probably wouldn't mind if we'd had holidays as a family before, but this is all we can afford and well, I do feel resentful.

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Inertia · 15/09/2014 00:02

No you don't have to suck it up.

This is your holiday.

Let them be stroppy. You can arrange a day trip with MIl so she can see them paddle in the sea.

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duhgldiuhfdsli · 15/09/2014 00:03

"she is fed up of not going on holiday (fil doesn't like to travel)"

That's her problem, not yours.

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AnitaManeater · 15/09/2014 00:06

My MIL and FIL always invite themselves on our holidays and I hate it. We only ever go on cheap uk caravan breaks for 3 nights and they are guaranteed to turn up.

They always get lost on the way, refuse to use the sat nav and then we have a series of panicked phone calls as they don't know where they are. They are very slow moving, FIL wanders off on his own and disappears for hours - no mobile. I could go on for hours!!

YANBU. I feel your pain!!!

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elQuintoConyo · 15/09/2014 00:09

It's sad you feel you have to 'suck it up' on your one small holiday.

If that's how it goes, then lay down some ground rules with your DH: he can't revert to being a child with his mum (believe me, it happens, and they do nothing with their DW or DC).

Are you early or late risers? And your Mil? Does she overindulge the Dc? Would she overide your disvipline? Will your Dh stand by YOU no matter what?

Have a think about what you'd be willing to compromise on (one daytrip, choosing places to eat, browsing through shops v penny arcades, etc).

And make sure your next trip is just you 4.

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NumTumDeDum · 15/09/2014 00:10

Thanks all. I feel a bit reassured I'm not being a total Kevin about it.

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PicandMinx · 15/09/2014 00:10

I second the Fuck no. You know she will ruin the holiday for you.

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NumTumDeDum · 15/09/2014 00:14

It's the over riding that's difficult to deal with, too many chiefs. Well that and dh defers to her. I know it's not the end of the world, maybe in part I feel mostly annoyed about her inviting herself rather than the actual holiday. The way in which it was done iyswim.

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Patrickstarisabadbellend · 15/09/2014 00:14

You don't have to make any excuses or reason with anyone. You don't wasn't her to go so that should be the end of it.

If it was me I would just say no and let them know it wasn't up for discussion.

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BackforGood · 15/09/2014 00:15

No - be clear that you've not had this experience as a 'house family' for 4 years, and it's important to you that that is what it remains.
If she wants to see them paddling, you could suggest the also takes them away for a few days in May or August? But as well as not instead of your nuclear family holiday.

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TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2014 00:17

If she wants to see them paddling, you could suggest the also takes them away for a few days in May or August? But as well as not instead of your nuclear family holiday

Yes, this.

I don't understand why she can't organise her own holidays?

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PicandMinx · 15/09/2014 00:19

I know it's not the end of the world - but that's not the point. She manipulated the situation by asking in front of everybody even though she knew DH wasn't keen. Get her on her own and tell her she isn't invited. Don't give in or she will turn up for every holiday.

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vvviola · 15/09/2014 00:21

We've gone on holiday with my parents, and with MIL. (And once with my parents, MIL, BIL, FIL and step-MIL all at the same time, but that's a whole other story)

It's never entirely relaxing - although it has more relaxing moments when it's my parents than MIL for various reasons.

If it wasn't your only holiday I'd be saying why not give it a go, but seeing as it's your only trip, I think you should get to have a trip without having to be undermined etc all the time.

As a compromise... are you going somewhere that it could "overlap". So you go for a week, and then MIL joins you for a while? That's what we did for the trip with all the family, and it meant we at least got some time to ourselves.

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Primaryteach87 · 15/09/2014 00:22

As a recovering passive person myself my advise is say no. Be nice. She won't be, still keep being nice. She will try to argue with you, don't. Be nice, be clear. You don't have to think of convoluted justifications. The fact you don't want to is enough. Don't promise another time to try to cushion the blow (you will have to fight this instinct!!).

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vvviola · 15/09/2014 00:24

Sorry, just re-read the OP properly and realised it's just a 4 day trip at Easter (my head is in summer holiday planning mode)

I second the idea of a few days away separately then. (Could your DH go with his Mum & the DC, and let you have some time to yourself at home? We've done that with my parents - I go with the kids, DH gets down time at home without having to deal with my parents' 'flexible' relationship with timekeeping and punctuality)

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iK8 · 15/09/2014 00:26

Please say no. If there is any awkwardness it will be mil's fault for inviting herself on your holiday the cheeky article.

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FatewiththeLeadPiping · 15/09/2014 00:29

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SquirrelWearingATrilby · 15/09/2014 00:33

No works.

You want a holiday with your husband and children.

No-one else.

If MIL wants to see them paddle, then she can take them to the seaside next summer.

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Cerisier · 15/09/2014 00:39

You and DH are going to have to be very very firm about this. Stand your ground.

I do get on with PIL and we all went on holiday together about ten years ago. It took about two years for our relationship to recover. Never again.

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Balderdabble · 15/09/2014 00:41

I'd say no now. Once you've done it once it will be ten times harder to say no again in the future. So can you see yourselves regularly going away together?

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