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AIBU?

To worry about giving daughter this money ?

127 replies

4seasons · 14/09/2014 17:06

Daughter has good job but does not earn enough to buy a house in London .... who does ? She has decided to buy a house elsewhere that allows her to travel into London for work . She feels the need to get on the property ladder and stop paying high rents to someone else . She has asked us to " help" with the deposit . No problem with that, always intended to help her and we have inherited some money recently ( not masses I might add ) . The problem is she has a history of getting through money like there is no tomorrow! She received an inheritance of about £40,000 a few years ago which has " disappeared " . Also she received about £25,000 voluntary redundancy a year or so ago . We have no idea if any of this money from the redundancy remains . Originally she said she was going to put it into savings but we don't know if she did . She is very touchy about her finances being discussed and as she is mid thirties I can understand that having your parents quiz you isn't great . We don't by the way ... quiz her I mean .

Am I being unreasonable to feel very uncomfortable about just " handing over " this cash with no strings attached ? My husband just says we should " sign the cheque" and have done with it . He's never been money - mad or grabby .I suppose I am concerned that we will never again receive a nice sum of money as an inheritance and also that we have no way of knowing if we will need money in the future .... for our nursing homes !! Also , I feel that if she really wants a home of her own ( she is single by the way ) then perhaps she should share some of the financial " pain " .... if that makes sense. This is not an inconsiderable amount of money ...£27,000. We have both worked hard all our lives and until very recently never been given a penny by anyone else , nor expected it . I feel really terrible even asking for your opinions because I know I shall give it to her eventually because I want her to be happy and secure. Your thoughts please ?

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 14/09/2014 17:12

Ask her to prepare a budget that shows she needs your money, and then you'll discuss it.

She might not like you 'enquiring' about her finances, but if she's asking you for a handout, that's just tough!

furcoatbigknickers · 14/09/2014 17:12

If you can spare it then I would help.

seagull70 · 14/09/2014 17:15

Could you not offer to pay the deposit directly on her behalf? So instead of giving it to her, pay it direct to mortgage company once she has found a place and arranged a mortgage?

AlpacaMyBags · 14/09/2014 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 14/09/2014 17:17

If she can get through £65k with nothing to show for it and didn't think to get herself on the property ladder with that, then I really don't think I would help her tbh.

She's had more opportunity to "get on the ladder" than most and has frittered them away. Maybe because she felt she could and you would then help her out.

Not sure you'd be teaching her a very good life lesson by helping her to be honest. I would say no. But if you do want to help her, pay it direct to the mortgage company and make sitting down and sorting out her finances and budgeting an integral part of the deal.

Veritata · 14/09/2014 17:17

Whatever happens, if you do end up giving her anything I would suggest you keep a firm hold of it till it is actually needed, and then send it direct to the solicitor handling the purchase. But I think the assumption has to be that she puts in at least half the deposit as you're entitled to assume she has most of that redundancy money still available unless she's been out of work for the last year.

firesidechat · 14/09/2014 17:17

Your daughter should have enough money to put a deposit down herself and she has now asked you for money instead. Personally I think this gives you a perfect right to dig deeper about her true financial position. If she doesn't want to discuss this then it would be a deal breaker as far as I was concerned. Yes she should indeed accept some, if not all, of the responsibility and pain.

rainbowinmyroom · 14/09/2014 17:17

No way I would just hand that over. I would pay it directly to a bank.

furcoatbigknickers · 14/09/2014 17:18

Good idea to pay deposit directly.

financialwizard · 14/09/2014 17:19

I'd pay it directly to the conveyancer for exchange not her. At the same time I would make it clear she has to sort the rest of it out.

My Mum enquiries after my finances regularly and frankly I feel insulted bearing in mind I am a 37 year old mortgage consultant.

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 14/09/2014 17:19

So potentially she's already spent £65,000 in a few years with nothing to show for it.

If she wants your help with a deposit she's got to sit down and discuss it like an adult and be prepared to show what she's doing to get a deposit together.

Not too much to ask, under the circumstances.

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 17:19

If she's pissed £65K up the wall in the last few years, I certainly wouldn't be giving her another £27K. Not just in case she frittered that away to, but because she's in her thirties and should feel some consequences for her financial irresponsibility. I'd at least want a full financial accounting from her as to what's happened to the money before I gave her this cash. Yes, she might not like being "quizzed", but she can't expect to get £27K with no strings attached when she's shown herself to be rubbish at money-management. At the absolute minimum, I'd pay the deposit myself directly rather than giving her the money.

Also, do you have any other children? Or will she eventually inherit everything? If so, let her wait!

financialwizard · 14/09/2014 17:19

Should add I don't ask for hand out's though.

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/09/2014 17:21

Do you know if she has savings and she'll be also contributing to the deposit?

OhTheDrama · 14/09/2014 17:22

Sorry no way would I hand any money over to her. She's gotten through £65k but didn't think to pay a deposit with that but expects you to give her this inheritance? No bloody way.

furcoatbigknickers · 14/09/2014 17:22

Either way I don't think dd should have to divulge financial information to you. Give willingly or not at sll

outer · 14/09/2014 17:24

Do t give it as a gift, give it as an investment. Make a proper contract which states that you receive the money back (with any capital gain if you want) when she sells.

What the hell has she done with £65k?! If she was serious about buying a house she should be saving, not just coming to you for handouts.

Fanfeckintastic · 14/09/2014 17:25

Oh my goodness I wouldn't dream of it.

Charitybelle · 14/09/2014 17:26

With her questionable financial track record I would give her the money but v simply not until the papers are signed on a house. Otherwise there's too much risk it will 'disappear' before she has the opportunity to buy.
No need to be patronising tho and discuss all this, just tell her you'd like to contribute to her dream of buying a house, that you can provide £27,000 and that she should feel free to start house hunting. If she then wants to discuss her budget/what she could afford with this extra help, perhaps you could tactfully offer to advise and support her through the process. But....don't hand over any cash til she's found somewhere and is at the point of exchange/completion. If she asks why she can't have it up front, just laugh it off by saying you'd rather have it in your acct gathering interest until such time as she actually needs it for the house. If she pushes any further she'll be being v cheeky as you're doing her a massive favour even giving her the money to start with!
I have friends whose parents helped them to buy and it's quite usual to just transfer the money over a wk or so before completion, which is when the money will be needed. Hopefully this means you can help her out and avoid any situation where she has the opportunity to disappoint you by doing something silly and spending the money. It's a shame you have to be so careful but it honestly sounds like giving her the money up front would be a recipe for disaster and possible grounds for falling out.

On another note, she may feel like you witholding the money is a way if being controlling of trying to influence her decisions, so try to be clear that you won't interfere and try to bully her into anything because if the money you're contributing, hopefully this will set her mind at rest.
Can I also say you sound like a lovely parent, and she's v lucky to have parents who care so much about her!

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2014 17:27

She's asking you for 27k, but won't confirm whether she's actually got any money of her own because she's "touchy" about discussing finances... Hmm
Let's see how she'd get on at the bank with the same attitude. I'm all for giving your kids a leg up if you can; but with your dd's attitude and the amount she's flushed down the toilet in recent years, I doubt your cash would be used for it's intended purpose either.
Make her tell you where last year's twenty five grand has gone before making any final decision, at the very least.

Snapespotions · 14/09/2014 17:28

If she is asking for a handout, then you're entitled to know what happened to the rest of the money. She is only entitled to her privacy if she is financially independent.

It would be different if she hadn't asked. Personally, I'd find it very hard to justify a handout for someone who has already had £65k in lump sums!

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 14/09/2014 17:28

If she's has 65k and nothing to show for it, I'd be concerned. That's more than enough to put a deposit down somewhere and then some.

I'd only pay it directly to the bank.

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Lifesalemon · 14/09/2014 17:28

I think its very unreasonable and selfish of her to expect you to just hand over the money without at least having the discussion about her finances but if that's what she is used to then I suppose she is just a product of her upbringing. Personally I wouldn't give her any money, anyone who can get through £65000 on top of a decent salary and have nothing much to show for it doesn't deserve the help. It's just irresponsible. If she's so desperate to get on the property ladder she could have done by now -with her own money.

outer · 14/09/2014 17:29

By the way, my ex has parents like you. Lovely people, but they've always given him everything he wanted financially, no strings attached. They have bailed him out his whole life.

As a consequence he is now mid 40s, utterly selfish and irresponsible. His "business" (started and paid for by mummy and daddy) is pissing their pension away and they feel powerless to stop it.

They even pay the child support for his kids.

If they'd have said no a few times years ago, he might have turned into a half decent human being....

George9978 · 14/09/2014 17:29

No, sorry she pissed it all up the wall and needs to learn that.

Spend it on you, you deserve it. Go travel.

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