to be angry at DB AND DP?

[whenwilliwakefromthisnightmare]

So DP and I are childless. Recently lost our fourth pregnancy - we got further with this one than we had before, so it hit hard when we lost it. I was very depressed about it all and it has taken a long time to get back to anything near 'normal' at work and at home. DP had been very supportive - more so than before and our relationship seemed stronger. Parents have also been supportive, albeit from a distance.

A few weekends ago I visited my parents, who are getting older and finding it more difficult to do things around the house etc. Adult DB still lives with them but as I understand does not help as much as he could/should . Anyway, when they went upstairs for a nap, I thought it would be nice if I cleaned the kitchen for them - they had been away and it was a mess. Was doing so when DB walked in and saw Id put leftover food out for the dog and he thought I shouldn't have. I disagreed with him but while we were talking about it he suddenly picked it up and threw it out. When I asked him why he did that when we were still talking about it, he started swearing and cursing at me, coming quite close. It woke my Dad up who tried to usher him out of the room but not before he yelled ' I don't know why we have to be so nice to you all the time - 'ooh don't upset the princess' and more swear words. The whole episode left me shaking and quite tearful (I still don't know where/why he started swearing - we were just talking!?) - this was someone I'd texted only yesterday that things were still raw. Anyway, my parents were very nice to me till I went home later that night but I left without talking to him again.

It had been bothering me and getting me quite down so I thought I'd talk to DP about it a couple of nights ago - could not have gone worse. From the first sentence, he started accusing me of 'whats the problem, what wrong with that' and I got more and more emotional as I tried to explain. It somehow ended up with him yelling at me about historical arguments we've had (that I've apologised for before) and essentially yelling at me ?about the way I talk to him (can't really remember now, was crying too much). Again, I was shocked by his yelling, and hurt that he wasn't even listening to what I was upse about in the first place. I walked out when I couldn't take any more and we haven't spoken since.

Feeling in a really shitty place right now. Not really sure what to do

[PenisesAreNotPink]

Well your brother is an arse, drop him or kick him in the nuts the next time you see him.

Your DP - well I guess he got all defensive because he couldn't 'fix' it and hasn't yet learned to just give you a good listening to. He acted like a prick though, not sure I would put up with that. I'd be expecting an explanation for his wankeriness and an apology.

[Leeds2]

I think your DB was well out of order.

I would try and sit down with DP and discuss what is happening, and why he behaved like he did. He is probably grieving too, with no outlet. He shouldn't have spoken to you like that though.

[LadyLuck10]

Your Db sounds horrible, and you were cleaning the kitchen where he lives too! Do you otherwise have a good relationship with him.

As for your dp he should be supportive but at the same time he could be grieving and maybe doesn't want to deal with more emotional issues, it doesn't make it right though that he takes it out on you.

[KnackeredMuchly]

Your brother is an ass hat.

Your DP however, might be coping as badly as you but in a different way. Can you have therapy?

[whenwilliwakefromthisnightmare]

update:

DP and I have made up from this - he accepted he was out of order to bring up other things and apologised (so did I). He wasn't sure how to deal with the problem of DB but agreed with avoidance - ie: not visiting the parents (&DBs) house for a while, at least till I felt a bit better.

Am in a stronger place than I was a month ago, but still not quite as resilient as I was before the miscarriages (Perhaps it is too soon to expect that?).

DB and I haven't talked since that argument.

Parents had visited me & DP a few times since and dropped a few hints about visiting them (which we normally would have done by now). Today DM was on the phone asking about Christmas plans(!). I tried to avoid committing to anything by saying I expect to be busy with work (which is partially true) but she pressed me so I told her I couldn't face coming back to that situation. I told her I did not feel safe, and that he has made no attempt to apologise, that he probably doesn't even see that what he did was wrong. I told her it still upsets me that he could be so nasty, knowing I felt so vulnerable. Her response surprised me in that she seemed to be defending him and excusing herself from the situation saying 'well he thinks you should apologise' and when I told her how nasty he was 'well, I wasn't there, I was sleeping' (but at the time you did come in and comfort me afterwards and tell me he was wrong to say that ).

The conversation ended with me saying I really didn't want to commit, and I got the impression she was upset with me for not making an effort/holding a grudge. I am still tearful remembering how he made me feel and I still don't feel I am strong enough to deal with him/resolve this. I keep thinking I should be the bigger person and resolve this but it is not the first time DB has been particularly nasty, and each time when he knows I'm vulnerable. I'm not a saint, but I have never been cruel. I feel that if I just 'give in' as my DM expects me to this behaviour will just continue.

Help!

[LatteLady]

May I suggest that you DB might be a little bit jealous of you getting your parents' attention? Currently you assume that he realises what a vulnerable state you are in, but in actuality he probably doesn't. Sadly you are the one experiencing this, but he has not lost a child, he does not have your emotional investment in the situation. Obviously your parents have had children and will understand the emotional roller cosset around conception and pregnancy which he may not.

I expect your parents have probably said, "X is coming over today, she is having a tough time, so be nice to her." He is possibly thinking but I always am and is irked at being told what to do.

I am so sorry for your loss.