To think having a 2nd baby shouldn't be solely on his terms.

(39 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Thu 04-Sep-14 09:53:04

I have a DS who is 5m/o. Due to health issues I have we had to have pre-conception counselling, changes to my medications, Consultant care and ELCS.

We had been warned that getting pregnant may cause my health conditions to lose their stability, which did happen, and I was signed off sick from about 10 weeks gestation for the remainder of the pregnancy. Although I was off sick and I did need closer monitoring I was fine, I was still able to function as normal and I certainly didn't have a difficult pregnancy.

We had decided half way through the pregnancy that if I came out the other side of pregnancy with no detriment to my health and the baby was born fit and healthy then we'd count our blessings and only have the one child rather than take any risks again.

However, this was only voiced by my DH after the gender scan when we were told it was a DS. DH had previously said that if I had been pregnant with a girl he would have been overjoyed but would have liked to try again in the future for a boy. This was obviously a non-issue after the scan.

During the pregnancy and after the birth I was still happy with the decision to just have one child but over the last month I've been feeling a little bit low at the thought of never TTC again or POAS again or the thought of never being pregnant again - I feel sad about the thought of never having another baby or giving DS a sibling.

I raised the topic with DH last week and he said we had agreed to only have one and he said, "I just couldn't put you through it again." This annoyed me because like I said although my health was affected a little bit there were no long term problems, I was absolutely fine and had no problems with the pregnancy itself.

I said, "Put me through what exactly?? And I find your excuse pretty ridiculous seeing as you would have been happy to 'put me through it again' if you hadn't had got the son you wanted!"

He didn't really have an answer.

I told him it's fine for him, he got what he wanted, but what about what I want??

I know we initially agreed on just the one child but I can't help it that I now feel differently. I'm not saying I definitely definitely want us to have one (what will be will be) but nor do I want it to be a definite never.

I would never force him into having another baby in the future, I would want him to want one as much as me, but I just feel like he's being unfair. I know he would definitely have wanted to TTC again if we'd had a DD so it just doesn't sit right with me that he's telling me 'no more' just because he got the result he wanted.

Or AIBU?

Heels99 Thu 04-Sep-14 09:57:26

Neither of you is being unreasonable, you are both being honest nod you want different things. You want another child and he doesn't at this point in time. Would couples counselling help?

ArabellaTarantella Thu 04-Sep-14 10:33:19

How would you feel if he had agreed to another DC.......then categorically changed his mind?

I would want him to want one as much as me, but I just feel like he's being unfair.

Of course he isn't being unfair - he's sticking to what you agreed. YABU to make him worry about you for 9 months again.

MomOfABeast Thu 04-Sep-14 10:39:34

In order to have a second child you have to both be on board. He's not being unreasonable to say no and you're not being unreasonable to now want another.

That said perhaps part of your frustration is that you feel he's bring disingenuous with his reasons and isnt taking on board your feelings. He just doesn't want the stress of another pregnancy because he has the son he always wanted which is fair enough but he's couching it as an issue of concern for your welfare which is dishonest.he should at least acknowledge your feelings and give them serious consideration even if it isn't how he envisaged things originally. You however have to accept that he might not change his mind and since that's what you originally agreed you should certainly try not to Barbour resentment.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 04-Sep-14 11:26:05

You're right momofabeast - he's using concern for me as a crap cover and that's what annoys me.

If we'd had a daughter he wouldn't be concerned and would already have me plotting my cycles, pinning down ovulation dates and planning the next one in the hope he'd get a boy.

His concern isn't genuine concern when it only suits him. If he was that concerned he wouldn't have wanted 'to put me through it again' even if we'd had a DD.

SoonToBeSix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:30:10

No yanbu.

WhatWitchcraftIsThis Thu 04-Sep-14 11:33:48

He is not being unnreasonable to not want a second child.

However, this was only voiced by my DH after the gender scan when we were told it was a DS. DH had previously said that if I had been pregnant with a girl he would have been overjoyed but would have liked to try again in the future for a boy. This was obviously a non-issue after the scan.

This however is incredibly shit. I couldn't be with someone who saw having a girl as not enough and would also risk my health (if he sees it that way) for a boy.

You are not as important to him as a boy and a daughter wouldn't be as important to him> Wouldn't risk having a daughter with him to be honest.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Thu 04-Sep-14 11:37:28

^^ what witchcraft said. He's being a disingenuous shit, I would be seriously considering if I wanted to stay in a relationship with him, let alone have another child.

BolshierAyraStark Thu 04-Sep-14 12:23:09

I think you sound quite reasonable considering the way your DH sees fit to treat you tbh. I'd be having a serious conversation with him about just how he views females on the whole...

Lee32 Thu 04-Sep-14 12:24:43

There's also the question of how he will feel about another baby if it turns out to be a DD. He already doesn't want another child, and seems particularly unenthusiastic about the girl variety - so it makes me wonder if he would then be a distant/neglectful father to her? The psychological impact of sensing that her dad doesn't really care for her as much as her brother is something you'd have to take on board.

The question is, are you prepared to live with this, and help DD cope with obvious favouritism? There's always the chance that DH will fall in love with her and all will be fine, but I don't think you can count on it.

I certainly don't blame you for feeling annoyed. YANBU at all.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 04-Sep-14 12:35:45

He's a very sporty guy and said that deep down every man wants a son at some point in order to play sport with and take to the football etc hmm I feel a bit sorry for my dad then who got me and my sister grin

I just feel conflicted by it all. TBH when we had the gender scan and were told it was a boy my first thought was "Thank God" because I knew it meant he wouldn't be bothered about another pregnancy (as although I wasn't having a problematic pregnancy at that point I was worried that things may deteriorate over the coming months).

Maybe having a boy was fates way of saying "Don't risk your health again!!"

I said it was great that he got the son he wanted but what if I wanted a daughter in the future?? (I obviously don't care what sex the baby would be but just said this to match his argument).

He would be great with a daughter - I watch him with my niece who comes to stay with us quite often (she is 5) and he is amazing with her. She absolutely him and vice versa.

Maybe I should be thankful for what I have. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if we'd had a DD and whether I would have said no to trying again anyway.

Maybe I'm just being antagonistic towards him because he's had the final say.

Whilst discussing it last week he said, "so what you're saying is that if you want another baby then we're having one?!" I didn't know how to respond really,

I just know we aren't getting any younger and although I don't know for definite what I want I don't feel comfortable thinking that another baby will NEVER happen sad

Bogeyface Thu 04-Sep-14 12:45:54

If this was genuinely about your health and the agreement you had then YWBU, but it isnt.

He got his son so doesnt care what you want. "I'm alright, Jack..."

Whilst discussing it last week he said, "so what you're saying is that if you want another baby then we're having one?!" I didn't know how to respond really

How about "So what you're saying is that you have got what you want now so my feelings dont matter?"

Writerwannabe83 Thu 04-Sep-14 12:49:25

Great response!!! I will definitely say that!!!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 04-Sep-14 13:00:19

You could also remind him that - gasp! - females are capable of liking watching and doing sport too, so nothing is stopping him encouraging his daughter into doing sport OR taking her to the football ... smile

LatteLoverLovesLattes Thu 04-Sep-14 23:07:25

Whilst discussing it last week he said, "so what you're saying is that if you want another baby then we're having one?!"

'Yes' works for me smile

Writerwannabe83 Fri 05-Sep-14 06:09:37

That made me laugh grin grin

I think as DS gets older and becomes a little person you can play and interact with my DH will come round to the idea. At the moment I think the sleepless nights are still far too fresh in his memory to make a reasoned decision grin

SloeGinFizz Fri 05-Sep-14 06:30:34

This kind of thinking really bothers me!
I have a 6 month old DD, my H has said that he would like it if we were to have a DS in future so he could carry on the family name. I told him that is a complete load of crap - if our DD ever gets married she has a choice about name, also why assume any children of ours will want children of their own!
I think wanting a child of a certain gender is a strange way to look at things and can certainly understand your frustration! I think I'd have challenged his opinion about trying again if the baby was a DD at the time it came up but I can understand why you didn't as perhaps the medical issues took priority at that point.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed Fri 05-Sep-14 06:47:13

OP I'd be extremely upset with my DH if he had a gender preference, especially for the reasons he's described. Little girls are perfectly capable of liking and playing sport, that's such bullshit. Men with attitudes like that just perpetuate the inequality of the genders, and I wouldn't be considering having another baby with someone like that.

And don't get me started on the faux protectiveness as another dimension of that kind of thinking. He's using your health as a way of controlling you and making you vulnerable, it's ridiculous - you're an adult and perfectly capable of making your own health decisions, it wouldn't be him "putting you through it".

poolomoomon Fri 05-Sep-14 07:05:19

I'd be most upset that I'd married a man who was willing to put me through possible health problems just to get a son. And a man who was disappointed in having a daughter rather than son full stop.

The sport thing is bullshit. Your son might loathe sport, many men do. What if he likes dancing? Will your DH want to TTC for a 'typical boy' instead? hmm. Also there are many girls who do like sport and who play it brilliantly. That's what I'd be upset with more than anything.

Only1scoop Fri 05-Sep-14 07:14:05

I think your Dh has awful double standards....

So if you'd had a girl he would probably be happy to try again eventually.

Wouldn't sit right with me.

Only1scoop Fri 05-Sep-14 07:22:06

I wouldn't have wanted to deal with your Dh 'gender disappointment' either.hmm

diddl Fri 05-Sep-14 07:29:51

"If we'd had a daughter he wouldn't be concerned and would already have me plotting my cycles, pinning down ovulation dates and planning the next one in the hope he'd get a boy."

Do you know that for sure?

even though you both decided during the pregnancy that you'd stick at one?

DaisyFlowerChain Fri 05-Sep-14 07:33:23

You are both being unreasonable about the sex, both seem to favour a sex and a child should be loved and wanted for who it is not the sex.

You initially agreed one child and both now have the right to discuss another but either party is free to say no. It's not something you can compromise on, you can't have half a child.

femin Fri 05-Sep-14 07:36:14

Your DH has clearly said he prefers to have a son rather than having a daughter. Of course this is deeply upsetting. And of course you are also a daughter yourself. No woman likes to think a father would prefer any son to her as a daughter.
And no, not all men would prefer to have a son.

slugseatlettuce Fri 05-Sep-14 07:41:10

I think the gender is a secondary issue. YABU because its your health that might suffer and so it should be your choice to take that risk. Its concerning that he sees pregnancy/children as something he does to you.

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