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AIBU?

Why do I keep doing it.

24 replies

SmokingInSecret · 04/09/2014 00:10

After a good couple of months I have started smoking again. I hate it but I keep going back time and time again.

I now waiting for DH to go to sleep so I can have another cigarette and I feel like a lying cheating wife.

For a few weeks now I have felt really stressed and had panic attacks but for some reason when I have a cigarette I feel calmer and normal.

I did so well, but now today I have had 5.

Why am I so pathetic that I keep going back to something that has no benefit for me, my bank balance, my home life and will probably ruin my marriage.

OP posts:

Report

EatShitDerek · 04/09/2014 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmokingInSecret · 04/09/2014 00:15

I know he will flip because of the financial side of it.

OP posts:

BOFster · 04/09/2014 00:21

Have you tried reading Allen Carr's 'Easy Way To Stop Smoking'? It may well help you totally change your attitude and help you stick to your decision, because it alters your entire outlook.

SmokingInSecret · 04/09/2014 00:28

I have read that book, been to stop smoking wales, ecig, NRT and had a lot of support.

I'm just a failure

OP posts:

BeachyKeen · 04/09/2014 01:06

You are not a failure, you just haven't cracked it yet.
Guilt, shame, stress, common sense, hypnotism, none of that will 'cure' you.
You need to get to a place in your head, where you understand (not just accept) that you have an issue dealing with anxiety, and you express it through smoking.
Some people smoke, some bitch, some gamble or do drugs, or eat too much, or cut, and so on.
You smoke. It doesn't make you a lesser person, or weak. You just need to keep working on being able to be anxious, uncomfortable and such. Be able to sit with the stress. Still take that 5 minutes to yourself, still sit down with a coffee, or step out on to the porch, or what ever you do.
And if it doesn't take right away, that's ok too. Just don't turn a stumble into a fall where you never try and get up again.
I know how hard it is, and the guilt and self loathing that goes with it. I smoked for 20 years. I still don't really call myself an ex-smoker, I just say I haven't had one since 2012

Gemling · 04/09/2014 01:14

Even a failed attempt is a step in the right direction. Keep at it.
There are free hypnosis apps you could try, I haven't quit totally but have significantly cut down.
(You can pay extra for the enhanced apps, I did and the difference between the freebie and paid app is minimal.)
Good luck!

Ludoole · 04/09/2014 01:18

Im the same!
Kids dont know I smoke nor does dp...
I even wrap myself in towels so the smoke doesnt get to my hair/clothes....

I hate it too but just dont gave the willpower to stop.
You're not alone!

Canyouforgiveher · 04/09/2014 01:43

My dad smoked most of his life (started before anyone knew anything about smoking. He got quite sick in his 70s and was admitted to hospital. He came out and never smoked another cigarette).

Whether a smoker or a non smoker, my dad was the best, funniest, loveliest, most loving man I have ever met. I never thought him a failure for smoking even though I wished often he stopped.

Don't beat yourself up. Quit if you can - please try if you can. but don't think you are a failure. It is hard to quit. But you are still yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2014 04:03

Every time you relapse, you learn something. What triggered you, why it happened, how you can avoid that the next time. Stop with the guilt and 'woe is me'. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, tell DH, take the consequences because those are the reason you stop finally.

Two things that helped me finally (after 7 attempts) give up:

Fill a jar with butts. Add some water. Every time you fancy a fag, open that jar and take a good long breath of it. Really sniff it in. That's your stick.

Imagine George Clooney (for me, you can pick your own person) comes to your door, knocks and says "come away with me to Bora Bora" (or wherever you would like to go). I realised that if that happened, my first thought would be, 'where are my fags and lighter?'. I never wanted to be that tied to anything harmful. That's your carrot.

I haven't smoked in over ten years. George Clooney still hasn't turned up and now I hear he's engaged. Bastard.

Frogisatwat · 04/09/2014 04:22

mrs t!! He just didn't meet you!

Frogisatwat · 04/09/2014 04:22

In time

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2014 05:03

That hussy got in with him in the nick of time.

littledrummergirl · 04/09/2014 05:53

I have a friend who never quit- she just didnt smoke for an hour.
10 years later she still hasnt quit, she hasnt smoked in 10yrs but she never quit.

Itsjustmeagain · 04/09/2014 06:38

I think you need to be honest with your dh tbh, I can't imagine how he doesn't know. MIL had a massive heart attack and promised everyone she has quit, she reeks of cigarettes though just cigarettes disguised by him - so minty smoke . I think It is really hard to disguise.
I just wish mil would stop the pretence it's up to her what she does she knows the risk. If you are struggling financially your dh has a right to know what's going on and you have a right to his support.

Itsjustmeagain · 04/09/2014 06:39

Disguised by "gum"

WeirdCatLady · 04/09/2014 07:35

I'm right there with you OP, my day consists of putting on my smoking jacket to try to stop the smell getting onto my clothes, mints and body spray, and having a shower and getting changed before dh comes home from work when I think I smell too much of smoke. Funnily enough I quit for ten years and last year started up again. No real advice, just wanted you to know you're not the only one. I haven't quit again yet because I enjoy smoking, just don't enjoy all the subterfuge that comes with it. I'm fairly sure dh knows when I've been smoking, but he knows I do it when I'm stressed so he doesn't say anything.

rootypig · 04/09/2014 07:40

Until you give up, or take that ten year pause that drummergirl is talking about, switch to rolling tobacco. Much cheaper, and nicer.

Don't be so hard on yourself about it. Bound to be part of the problem

lickandstick · 04/09/2014 07:42

i smoked more when i did it in secret , trying to have one quickly while every one was out , i didnt feel relaxed and felt guilty , came clean in the end , just thought im an adult its my choice , felt so much better , you will give up if and when you are ready .

Primadonnagirl · 04/09/2014 07:45

You do know that he will find out at some point don't you?! You can never ever completely eliminate the smell of smoke. I've lived with two secret smokers and I could have saved them a fortune in mints and air freshener if I had told them I knew all along!

InternetFOREVER · 04/09/2014 07:51

Sounds like the smoking is a side effect of your anxiety - have you had any treatment for the anxiety/ panic? CBT or learning some other strategies to feel calm could be helpful. That way you wouldn't need to rely on cigarettes to help you calm down. Half of it is probably down to the differences in breathing when smoking - nice slow deep breaths in, held for a bit and then exhaled. Can you try breathing as if you're smoking a cigarette, but without the cigarette (or even with an unlit ciggie?)

HerbWoman · 04/09/2014 08:12

Agree with internetForever - the cigarettes are fulfilling a function for you at the moment. They will continue to do that until you find something else that does the same thing. You need to concentrate on finding ways to calm the panic rather than placing the focus on stopping smoking. Make sure you're eating well (helps you cope better physically and mentally with stress) and find something else that helps you relax. And let go of the idea that you are a failure because you aren't.

PeachyParisian · 04/09/2014 08:59

You're not a failure, you'll get there! It's not easy and is a very comforting emotional crutch when stressed.

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hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2014 09:18

littledrummergirl has it spot on.
You never totally quit.
I gave up for over 20 years.
Husband cheated on me and I started again.
Admittedly I don't smoke a lot but I do smoke.
I don't believe it makes me a failure. I know I'll quit (have a break from it) again when I'm good and ready.
I'm just not ready yet.
No amount of alternatives will help.
I also read the Allen Carr Book. Did absolutely nothing for me.
My OH doesn't smoke and he doesn't mind too much.
Doesn't help though as he doesn't consider me a 'smoker' because I don't smoke much.

You'll get there. Don't put pressure on yourself.
Take each hour then day at a time.

Golferman · 04/09/2014 10:48

It's not easy. I stopped for 18 years and started again five years ago.... Really stupid....

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