is DH BU?

(48 Posts)
PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:19:01

A bit of background... DH works awkward shifts like days nights lates earlies etc. I work random shifts in retail. My mum does 90% of my childcare and also looks after my dog.

Tomorrow I'm working all day. DH is on night shifts. DD will be at school but mum has kindly offered to have the dog.

DH is kicking up a stink about dropping off and picking up pooch from my mum's. He'll already be doing the school runs so I can't see why it's a problem. He thinks the dog will be fine for 6hrs while he (DH) sleeps during the day. Dog is 4 months old.

Me and my mum constantly bend over backwards with regards to childcare e.g. she will have DD extra well into the evening even though he's slept for 10hrs so he can have a lie in when he's been on nights. His shifts often change at the last minute and she often cancels her own plans so she can have DD if I'm working too.

He often moans when I ask him to do any pick ups or drop offs. He also doesn't lift a finger in the house even when he has a week off.

no seething resentment here, oh no

AIBU to think that he could pull his finger out for one fucking day?

aprilanne Wed 03-Sep-14 20:24:43

for one day YANBU .the dog would just howl for a wee .and probably be a pest .he will get a better sleep if puppy out of house .especially when your mum is really good to everyone .

LuvDaMorso Wed 03-Sep-14 20:24:54

If the dog misbehaves during those 6hrs, will he be the one dealing with it?

What constitutes kicking up a stink?

AlpacaMyBags Wed 03-Sep-14 20:25:48

YANBU. A puppy can't be left for 6 hours - I would say that would be too long for an adult dog too. What are your long term plans for caring for the dog, are you expecting your DH to help? it doesn't sound like he will

justmuddlingalong Wed 03-Sep-14 20:28:45

I think with a DH like yours, a puppy is the least of your worries.

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:30:39

LuvDaMorso just his usual whining about actually having to DO something. Huffing and puffing and "FINE if I HAVE to" sort of thing.

Alpaca my mum has agreed to have him until he is old enough to be left for a few hours, then I will hire a dog walker. At the moment I still think he's to young to be left more than an hour or two.

So you reply yes you do fucking have to put on your grown up pants and stop whining!

I may have had a similar disagreement with h this morning

LuvDaMorso Wed 03-Sep-14 20:36:30

Ignore that shit then. Maybe roll your eyes at him. Certainly don't engage.

He's a grown up. He can do it or not do it. Huffing and puffing like Kevin the Teenager!? Maybe if you visualise him dressed all emo when he starts up it will be easier to ignore be quite funny

And why exactly is your DM bending over backwards to look after your DD when DH could do it? Because you both appease when he huffs and puffs? That won't help in the long-run.

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:37:39

glen do you get the "but you don't understand how hard my life is" bollocks that I do? Apparently my job is insignificant and his is so much harder. Pffft!

Finola1step Wed 03-Sep-14 20:39:06

Erm... I noticed that you wrote "my childcare" and not "our childcare". Not even "the childcare". The use of "my" speaks volumes.

CombineBananaFister Wed 03-Sep-14 20:39:55

Your DH sounds like a lazy shit. He's got that matyr-ish shift-itus by the sounds of it. Just because he works shifts, he doesn't have to do owt else - tough shit. You work, you have a dog and a kid and your mum sounds fab - tell him to get on with it.

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:40:30

Finola I only work part time so it's my job to sort it out apparently hmm

SloeGinFizz Wed 03-Sep-14 20:45:02

I assume he also agreed to get the dog, you'd think he'd be grateful to your mum. She sounds like a saint!

Clearly YANBU, i just don't get the sense that it's ok for one person to opt out of the childcare/cleaning etc. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to offer advice as my situation isn't vastly better but I can certainly understand your frustration!

HappyAgainOneDay Wed 03-Sep-14 20:45:12

OP Why did you get a puppy, living as you do?

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:50:16

Happy it was his idea. It was a surprise hmm

We manage really well it's only the odd day that she needs to have him as usually our shifts line up so that there's always someone in.

basgetti Wed 03-Sep-14 20:50:58

What Happy said.

You have a useless lazy husband who doesn't pull his weight to the extent that you have to rely on your mother, often to the detriment of her own plans. At what point did adding a puppy to the mix seem like a good idea?

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:54:46

We both took loads of holiday to look after pup when we got him so it's only a recent thing. Don't get me wrong, I adore him. But this isn't about the dog or why we got him.

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:56:52

I didn't mean to sound arsey or ungrateful for any advice there btw, sorry if that's how it sounded!

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 20:59:22

Mum has a dog of her own and my brother is only a year older than DD outs self massively so she insists adding a couple more to the mix is no trouble! Yes, she is indeed a saint smile

AlpacaLypse Wed 03-Sep-14 21:04:06

Some of me would like to see how he feels when he tries to sleep for six hours with a four month old puppy in the house. Sadly that's not actually fair on the puppy though. And I'll bet my bottom dollar that he'd expect you to clear up the wees, poos and general shredding as 'you only work part time'.

Child care, dog care, and general family and housekeeping maintenance are jobs that both parents need to accept need doing, and 50 50 should be the start point, not 100 mother and 0 father with mother getting privileges for earning the odd bit of extra cash.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 03-Sep-14 21:06:52

fine if I have to is what my six year old says. not acceptable at six really.

Summerisle1 Wed 03-Sep-14 21:07:27

I used to be married to a man with a similar attitude. Not that I say used.

Summerisle1 Wed 03-Sep-14 21:08:09

Gah! That should read "Note that I say used.

Bogeyface Wed 03-Sep-14 21:30:42

Forget the dog, the dog isnt a problem, you need to deal with lazy entitled shit of a husband.

So he does no childcare, no housework, no pick ups, no drop offs and you are expected to do everything on the basis that you work part time?

I suggest you write down everything you do on an hour by hour basis, add it up and show him how many more hours you (and your mum too if you like!) do and that it is time for him to step up. Give him a list of jobs you expect him to do that can be fitted around his shifts. Then when he moans that it doesnt really take that long and you are making a meal of it (which he will) and should be able to do it all and that he shouldnt have to do anything......etc tell him that you will try and find a way to cut back the time it takes you to do things.

Its at this point that you stop doing his washing, shopping, tidying etc, anything he leaves lying around you dump by his side of the bed. Only wash up enough crockery etc for you and DD. When he complains say that he was right, it doesnt take so long to do everything now!

PivotPIVOT Wed 03-Sep-14 21:37:21

You're right Bogey. I've already stopped doing his washing. It's more hassle than it's worth as he doesn't put it on the airer properly, it's all crumpled up on there for days and then it stinks. I just chuck it on his side of the bed.

I can't do the washing up thing though. It's just grim. He usually just washes what he needs and leaves the rest anyway hmm so that's a fruitless exercise.

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