to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

(396 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

extremepie Tue 02-Sep-14 20:36:43

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it sad

Frontier Tue 02-Sep-14 20:40:21

What does the Social Worker think? I can see that these things might be relevant when discussing the welfare of a child but would have thought it was more for the social worker than a teacher to deal with.

zeezeek Tue 02-Sep-14 20:40:54

I don't know the legalities of your situation, but his questioning certainly seems inappropriate to me. Is there a case worker, or social worker that you can talk to about this? What about a solicitor?

It is also strange that he is only making those comments when he is in a meeting alone with you. In fact is that even appropriate?

Please, you need to find out where you stand re your rights.

Good luck xxxx

rembrandtsrockchick Tue 02-Sep-14 20:41:26

Thank god you are not married to him! Always take a friend to these meetings, his comments are inappropriate and very sexist. Would he question and make these comments about a father?

Tvseemstobemyhobby Tue 02-Sep-14 20:41:32

Did you have a love bite?

I'm not sure how you can deal with this.

But if he's not like this when someone is with you, make sure you have someone stern who can call him on this.

If he asks these questions, just reply that you think it is inappropriate to ask and not to do with the topic being discussed. Take a notebook and every time he asks a question like this, write it down, and also note the topic under discussion at that point. There may be a pattern.

I know that statistically, there are many concerns about a mother's new partner, but you are describing issues to do with just one Ex, if I read the OP right.

I am surprised the SW hasn't brought it up tbh, if the checks are all clear.

DaisyFlowerChain Tue 02-Sep-14 20:45:33

Presumably SS would have commented if they didn't think it was appropriate.

Coming to school dishevelled and love bites like a teen when you know they are heavily involved doesn't do you any favours. As for a new partner, of course they will take an interest for the sake of the child/children, it's their job.

It's hard to say without knowing the full picture which the agencies will have.

Hurr1cane Tue 02-Sep-14 20:45:37

How does the headteacher know that you've got new boyfriends? When I was dating again DS didn't even know not to mention the school.

They know now but me and DP have been together years. But no one knew I was dating and how many frogs I kissed before I found a man I could tolerate being around.

I wouldn't subject my child to that.

Shakirasma Tue 02-Sep-14 20:46:13

Assuming this is a child protection issue then I can see why he feels your relationship situation is relevant. It is absolutely his business as your child's head and he is right to keep a record of anything that he notices which concern him.

Whether it is right for him to question you about this, or whether it would be more appropriate coming from a social worker, I don't know.

Have you asked the social worker about it?

I don't know. I do think it might be inappropriate of him but I also think that turning up to a meeting about your child looking "dishevelled* and with a love bite I also inappropriate.

Also the comment about how you meet men, I can see why he would mention this if it would affect your DC.

ILovePud Tue 02-Sep-14 20:47:43

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Obviously I don't have the full picture but these comments seem highly inappropriate and a bit creepy really, like he's getting a kick out of having some power over you. I think given that he doesn't make these comments when someone else is present I'd make sure there is always someone else present. You've expressed yourself is a calm and eloquent way here, I appreciate that it's harder to do in a meeting when you're feeling under pressure and got at but I'm wondering what your relationship is like with your social worker and whether you may be able to raise this with her away from him?

VerityWaves Tue 02-Sep-14 20:49:01

He has absolutely no right to use that kind of language with you!

Please speak to the SW and tell them how he is making you feel.

Loletta Tue 02-Sep-14 20:49:42

Seems a bit surreal without having more background info but by the sound of it, YANBU at all

Itsfab Tue 02-Sep-14 20:51:28

Alarm bells are ringing very loudly here!

I would be suggesting very strongly you report him and no longer see him alone.

extremepie Tue 02-Sep-14 20:52:28

Yes I did have a love bite Tv, but I don't see what that has to do with him or my ability to look after my children!

The only time the SW has brought up anything to do with new partners is when we first got together and she had to do relevant police checks and everything came back clear.

The times he was talking about with the love bite etc was when I picked the dc's up from school so obviously the SW wasn't there and wouldn't have even known about it if he didn't bring it up!

Zeezeek, just to clarify, I don't have meetings with him alone as in just me and him I mean the 'professionals' and me on my own with no one to accompany me smile

I don't really have any friends or family to go with me to the meetings except my sister and she works full time so cant attend anything with me as they are always in the week days :/

lordnoobson Tue 02-Sep-14 20:52:44

I think they have concerns abotu your love life and CP issues.

I am not sure he is handling it well - are these comments in meetings?

blusea Tue 02-Sep-14 20:53:42

hi. these sound like inappropriate questions and as you are in a vulnerable situation dealing with an ex and the SS you may need some support as you should not really be questioned in this manner.

I would take a friend or an advocate with you and make sure you are never alone with this person. the best of luck x

lordnoobson Tue 02-Sep-14 20:54:00

i knew of a kid once who was party to her mum's online dating. This ( without giving too much info) was NOT GOOD and there were some CP concerns raised by professionals at the time.

Frontier Tue 02-Sep-14 20:54:47

So, he's making these remarks in front of other professionals?

lordnoobson Tue 02-Sep-14 20:55:57

i am reading it as some meeting - are you being looked at in a CAF meeting? these often talk about stability of relationships at home. Often awkward issues have to be raised.

wrapsuperstar Tue 02-Sep-14 20:56:06

I think lordnoobson (and the others re: love bites etc) has it. None of us can comment on how legitimate those concerns are, and it certainly sounds from your account of it that the headmaster is expressing those concerns in a wildly inappropriate fashion.

I strongly suggest you find a proper advocate who can come along to these meetings with you, not necessarily a pal. Does your SW not fulfil that role properly?

Hurr1cane Tue 02-Sep-14 20:56:25

You can contact parent partnership in your LEA to support you in meetings.

I would suggest though that you keep any new relationships away from your DC until you are fully established, so at least 6 months in, at least. It just isn't fair on them otherwise.

Have you had a lot of new partners or just the one? In your first post in sounded like you had loads and the headteacher was aware of them all which would give him cause for concern (you turning up with new men ever couple of months to collect your children)

But if you have only had the one, and you are well established, and he's just lying, then I would complain.

Love bites are a bit grim though. Wear a scarf.

extremepie Tue 02-Sep-14 20:57:43

Schro, I wasn't turning up to a meeting with a love bite it was when I picked the dc's up from school that they noted it - the 'looking dishevelled' and 'love bite' incidents were completely different days, in fact I'm almost 100% sure that the day I 'looked dishevelled' was when I wasn't feeling well and had been in bed asleep before picking the dc's up so no make up, t shirt & jeans etc rather than bed hair and shirt half buttoned up IYSWIM!

zeezeek Tue 02-Sep-14 20:57:51

If turning up "dishevelled" is sufficient to warrant questioning then my children would have been taken into care years ago as both DH and I frequently look like tramps at the school gate.

Maybe a love bite in a visible place isn't the best of ideas, but, the OP is an adult and as long as her DC are safe and loved then does it really matter?

This smacks of inappropriateness to me. Whatever the reason why the SW is involved, then surely it is in everyone's interests to work with the family, not against it.

OP, as suggested, take a friend or, even better, ask for someone impartial to take notes of all meetings with the Head. But don't meet him alone.

TalisaMaegyr Tue 02-Sep-14 20:57:58

I dunno... a part of me thinks that these comments are completely inappropriate - and then there's the part of me that shudders at the thought of the Head noticing I have lovebites. I would be mortified.

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