It wasn't a bloody miscarriage.

(139 Posts)
SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 16:52:03

Well, ok, legally it was. I undestand why but it just feels so so wrong to call it that.

Three weeks ago I was pregnant with our much longed for second baby, expected at Christmas. We were also on a big family holiday, the first we'd had in three years. Both sets of grandparents, us, dsd and dd.

Then half way through the holiday I started bleeding. No big deal, I've bled during every pregnancy, it's almost normal for me. Then the pains started. And they got worse and worse.

A few hours later I was rushed to a&e. After six more hours of labour I gave birth to our son. He had passed away shortly before delivery. After that I had to have an operation to remove my placenta, I had a haemorrhage and my blood pressure dropped to 70/25.

Everyone has been very supportive. The medical staff were fantastic.

But I just can't help it. Every time someone mentions the word miscarriage I want to scream, hit. I don't obviously. That just isn't the right word to describe what happened.

I'm not trying to take away from the pain of an early miscarriage. I've had five, they were awful. But what happened three weeks ago was nothing like those, so much worse.

Trying to hold it together but whenever someone says that word I fall to pieces afterwards all over again.

TheCraicDealer Tue 02-Sep-14 16:53:51

I'm so sorry flowers

thanks I'm so sorry you lost your baby sad

sad I'm very sorry that you lost your son flowers

MammaTJ Tue 02-Sep-14 16:56:29

If you have had early miscarriages and begun to allow yourself to believe this baby would be alright it must be even more painful for that.

I am so sorry for your loss.

AmethystMoon Tue 02-Sep-14 16:58:13

Hugs and although I have no experience I can see what you are saying.
If that happened to me I would consider it a still birth maybe? You delivered your son. He was born. That to mean is significant and although I see that, as you say legally it may be, there is, I imagine a whole different set of emotions involved. Let alone the physical side.
I cannot imagine your pain sad

lessthanBeau Tue 02-Sep-14 16:58:46

No you're right to feel this way, it was not a miscarriage! after having 3 early mc (all before 10 wks) it cannot possibly be compared to losing your baby and having to deliver him.
so sorry for your loss. there are no words to help flowers

AmethystMoon Tue 02-Sep-14 16:59:55

Sorry that was a bit garbled. I meant although legally it may be a miscarriage, emotionally and physically you have experiences something much different.

SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 17:00:45

Thank you.

I'm just wavering between feeling angry and then ungrateful because everyone is just being nice and using the only word we've got to describe what happened, a 'late miscarriage'.

I guess I've just associated the words with my early miscarriages which were physically just like a painful period.

It just doesn't seem right to use that word to describe our son. He was tiny but perfect.

I understand why, legally, they need to set a limit on when life begins. But every time someone says it I can see his face. How dare someone call him that.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. Thought I was ready to talk about this but obviously not.

KnackeredMuchly Tue 02-Sep-14 17:02:29

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby and the trauma you have had to endure, and still are enduring.

I wish there was some way of making people think before they speak.

Notacs Tue 02-Sep-14 17:02:59

FWIW, never mind the medical terms, I would absolutely describe your experience as losing your son, not a miscarriage. It sounds absolutely horrific; I am SO sorry.

I can completely understand everything you say. flowers

Topseyt Tue 02-Sep-14 17:03:58

So sorry to hear what you have been through.

Words are inadequate really, but just wanted to offer some support.

Something similar happened to my mum when I would have been around 2. She was about 16 or 17 weeks pregnant and began bleeding when we had just gone on holiday. She was admitted to the local A & E where we were staying (leaving my dad to look after a very distressed little me in our holiday chalet) and had to go through labour and delivery with the same result as you. She found it all very distressing.

I hope you are physically recovering well, though I know that psychologically it will take some time.

SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 17:04:31

Yes. I must admit I fell into the trap of 'phew it's past thirteen weeks, it's safe now'.

I feel a bit like a cow now. I think before when I'd had my early miscarriages if someone was saying theirs meant more than mine I would have been very upset.

That's not what I'm trying to say.

WaxyDaisy Tue 02-Sep-14 17:06:35

I am really sorry your baby died flowers

I hope that being able to see him and having that memory of your son so tiny and perfect will, in time, be some comfort to you.

Badvoc123 Tue 02-Sep-14 17:07:11

I've had 4 early mc.
And I understand what you are trying to say.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your son x

diaimchlo Tue 02-Sep-14 17:07:12

flowers

I am so sorry for the loss of your perfect Son sad

buddles Tue 02-Sep-14 17:08:08

I'm so so sorry for your loss op. thanks

Corygal Tue 02-Sep-14 17:08:38

I'm so sorry for you - what a horrible thing to happen. I don't think it's a miscarriage either. I don't see why anyone who knew what happened would or could call it that.

I hope you get a chance to grieve properly. People are trying to be kind, and I know it's the most infuriating thing in the world when they get it wrong, but they do care about you and your son and that's what they're clumsily trying to show.

SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 17:09:00

Thank you all, you've made me feel better and less like a hormonal mad woman smile

I've got an appointment to see the consultant in a few weeks. Apparently now I've had three losses in a row they will operate to remove the septum I have in my womb.

I had two before my daughter was born. But as she manged to get through the hell hole that is my womb unscathed they never mentioned it as an option before.

That's a whole other thread though.

ILovePud Tue 02-Sep-14 17:09:34

I'm so sorry that you lost your son. I've had early miscarriages, I don't think your post came across as insensitive or dismissive at all. However well meaning people are trying to be it must feel crushing to have your experience described as a miscarriage. Is there anyone, DH or DP, if he feels strong enough himself or maybe a Dsis or good friend who could have a gentle word with people about this if it's the same people who keep referring to your bereavment in this way?

SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 17:12:00

I'm tending to grieve in private. Dd is only one and a half and wouldn't understand.

I think the most unkind remark I've had so far is 'so is it strange having a flat tummy now?'

That one keeps going round and round in my head. Was said the day I got out of hospital. But I know it was probably because they were grasping at straws for something to say.

ChampagneTastes Tue 02-Sep-14 17:13:13

You are not a hormonal mad woman, you're a grieving mother. I'm so sorry for your loss and I can understand how you feel about people using that term. Do you correct them at all? People want to say the "right" thing and i'm sure would alter their terminology if they knew how upsetting it was for you. xx

Nohootingchickenssleeping Tue 02-Sep-14 17:14:12

You poor thing. Would it help if you did something in memory of your son? Perhaps plant a tree or a rose bush? flowers

SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 17:14:27

Dp would if I asked him too I think.

But I know they are all well meaning so don't really want to make them feel shit.

I'm terrible at knowing what to say in most situations.

SlicedAndDiced Tue 02-Sep-14 17:17:41

No I've never said anything. I've been afraid my emotions would get the better of me, so just have a breakdown later.

We have his ashes at home with a soft toy and bracelet with his name on that dp bought him on holiday. My mum fetched them on Saturday, it's helped having them home.

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