Family bereavement

(8 Posts)
Ryma8789 Mon 01-Sep-14 19:26:23

Not sure whether or not I'm being unreasonable but here goes... I have one DB and my DM is an only child. My grandfather who I didn't speak to (long story won't go into it on here) recently passed away. Whilst the funeral arrangements etc were going on immediately after the funeral, I and my DP (who I am marrying this year) were involved and present for most of the discussions but kept most opinions to ourselves and remained respectful of the fact that we were not on speaking terms so therefore couldn't expect to have a say in most of what was going on. Since thing's have settled down, we have had my DN (nan) to ours for dinner each week and have taken her out, done shopping etc at least once a week on top of having her over for dinner. My parents and DB have equally been involved with my parents sorting out the majority of the paperwork etc. Up to this point, everything is fine, but there are a couple of points that have been brought up in conversation in the last couple of days that have concerned/irritated my DP and me. Firstly it was said by my DM during a casual conversation that DN has plenty of money so if anyone wants to borrow some interest free for a holiday or what not, that it would be fine. DN was not present and at the time both me and DP said we wouldn't borrow money. Secondly a conversation was had between DM, DF and DB regarding some of my grandfather's possessions (think collectable worth 10k+). Originally my grandfather had said these were to be sold and the money to go to my DN. Whilst out at dinner myself, DN and DP were told by DF that the possessions would be kept for future grandchildren to play with. AIBU to think that this approach in families could lead to huge fallouts later on (like when DN passes) and that no money should be "borrowed" without agreement of the three of us (me, DM and DB). I also feel that money should be left with DN, she's fit for her age and could possibly need it later on. Also that possessions should be sold as requested by my grandfather and the money should go to DN (she will have no benefit from possessions unless sold). And finally that if everyone is pulling their weight that all discussions should be open and honest. Other info that might be relevant: I have my own place with DP, DB still lives at home and therefore is closer to DParents and has more opportunity to talk. Also DM is executor of the will, under the understanding that she will look after me and DB if anything happens (it was going three ways but this changed). Sorry it's so long, didn't want to drip feed.

When it comes down to it, anything that's not specified in the will, should come down to what your Nan wants.

Without you having been in every conversation between your mother and her then you don't know whether she's said that she doesn't want the money for the possessions and would prefer them to be kept, for example.

It's just not up to you and if you want to avoid fallouts, just be prepared to let it wash over you, or you may be the instigator of the fallout yourself.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 01-Sep-14 19:51:48

As Keema said, it's firstly what is specified in the will and secondly what your nab wishes that should be followed.

I'm really unsure as to why on earth you think no money should be borrowed without you, your DB and your DM all agreeing to it. It's not your money, it's your nans. She can spend the lot and leave you all with nothing if that's what she wants to do.

taxi4ballet Mon 01-Sep-14 20:18:06

If people are saying your DN's money can be borrowed and used for holidays etc, what does DN say?

Does she know about all these plans going on behind her back about what everyone else is wanting to do with her money? If she does know, then that's fine but if she doesn't?...

Does she look after her own affairs, or is there a Power of Attorney? Has she asked a family member to take over all her financial affairs? Some elderly women do this when they lose their husband as he was always the one who 'did' the money and they can't cope with it all.

Mintyy Mon 01-Sep-14 20:21:06

I think its really very odd indeed that your mother is offering her mother's money out for loans confused.

TeenAndTween Mon 01-Sep-14 20:27:44

Can you clarify?

Also DM is executor of the will, under the understanding that she will look after me and DB if anything happens (it was going three ways but this changed).

Do you mean that DM is the executor of the will (then person in charge of making sure everyone gets what the will said they should), or the main beneficiary (the person who gets the bulk of the estate)? The 'going three ways' statement sounds more like beneficiary than executor to me.

Who did your GF leave the bulk of his estate to? Was it to his wife, your DN, or to your mother? (It may have gone down to your DM to avoid inheritance tax, or because DN has loads of her own money anyway).

With your DN, who looks after her money? Does she do it herself or does your DM have power of attorney?

Ryma8789 Mon 01-Sep-14 20:39:10

To my knowledge she doesn't know that people are planning to borrow her money. I believe my DM is both executor and sole beneficiary...? DM is managing her financial affairs at the moment.

taxi4ballet Mon 01-Sep-14 20:50:41

A man wouldn't usually leave his entire estate to his child and nothing to his own wife, surely?

You leave your estate to your spouse (with assorted bequests to others) and it only goes to the child/ren if your spouse pre-deceases you.

Big alarm bells going off here I think. Have you actually seen this will?

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