AIBU to think a visit every week is too much?

(16 Posts)
salfordmate Mon 01-Sep-14 17:30:43

I've had a tumultuous relationship with my Dad over the years and at one time I would only see him once or twice a year. My older sister has two children and has no contact with him at all due to his behaviour before and during the divorce with our Mum. I've personally had to let go of things that make me angry so I can continue to have a relationship with him and although I love him because he's my Dad I don't know how much I actually like him.

Anyway... since our daughter was born my Dad has wanted to visit a lot and this has turned into every week where he will come and take her for a walk and spend time with her. Whilst I would never ever want to stop him seeing our daughter and it is nice to have a bit of time to myself I am starting to feel a bit swamped by him and feeling that a visit once a week is too much. I don't find being with him very easy and it's always a manic feeling visit. He wants to do a days childcare when I go back to work which is a kind offer but it would mean him staying over one night a week which just feels too much for me.

AIBU to start making the visits a little less frequent and to think that once a week is too much???

MrsWinnibago Mon 01-Sep-14 17:35:41

Well...I don't think once a week is much at all. But you obviously do. The question is, does DD like the time she has with him? Is the day always the same one? Or does he call and ask when is convenient?

Snapespotions Mon 01-Sep-14 17:37:28

Yanbu. It's too much if you feel it's too much.

My mum and dad see dd two or three times per week, but they are great parents and grandparents and we have a good relationship.

It doesn't sound like your dad has earned the right to that sort of relationship with your dd.

Do you think that perhaps he's learned from his mistakes with his own children and he's trying to build bridges now? How old is your dd and does she enjoy his company?

But ultimately, it's your life. If you don't like him very much it's probably going to drive you crazy having him over one night a week!

Frontier Mon 01-Sep-14 19:50:39

My Dad had DS1 one day a week when I went back to work and it was great for both of them. Grandad is still the adult DS1 (now 13) will seek out when things get a bit much for him. BUT as other have said, if you think it's too much, it's too much and you need to deal with it before it becomes a fixed arrangement.

My Dad's great but I'm not sure I would have agreed to the arrangement if it had meant him staying over every week.

GummiberryJuice Mon 01-Sep-14 20:01:12

I'm going against the grain and saying if you don't like him why are you letting him spend so much time with your dd. I don't speak to my father and don't let him have any contact with my children as he isn't a nice person.
Do not feel obligated because he's your "dad"

NoodleOodle Mon 01-Sep-14 20:06:20

Is it worth it for your daughter, that's the balance you need to work out, and if it's not then it's not. If so, why not try every other week? You can always change it back if you want to in the future as long as you can do it without bad feelings developing?

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 01-Sep-14 20:10:05

If you think it is too much then it is too much.

cansu Mon 01-Sep-14 20:10:11

I think it's pretty nice that he wants to spend so much time with her and would try to think round this to make it more bearable for you. Childcare from a family member is worth it's weight in gold so think carefully about this before you refuse. Could he not come to you early in the morning? if you are not comfortable with this, why can't he take care of your dd at his? If he is capable and trustworthy I would try and facilitate contact if you can.

Whocansay Mon 01-Sep-14 20:38:12

I don't think YABU, but I also think that your dad is trying to make up for the past and is trying to help you. Maybe he's a bit lonely?

However, if you feel it's too much, just start telling him that you have plans.

mommy2ash Tue 02-Sep-14 07:31:54

everyone will have their own idea of what is too much for them, clearly this is too much for you.

I see my parents daily. it's quite rare to go a day without seeing them and even then they are on the phone.

I'm not sure how much i like them as people either but I do know they are much better grandparents than they ever were parents and are making up for lost time now.

I think you need to be honest with him if it is a problem for you

Osmiornica Tue 02-Sep-14 08:31:30

I know someone who had a relative staying every week to do childcare and from what they said it was very hard work and they really liked that relative. It's bound to put pressure on your relationship with them which, if it's already shaky could make things worse.

Personally, I wouldn't have someone I don't like that much staying regularly in my house or even visiting that often no matter who they are.

CromerSutra Tue 02-Sep-14 08:36:53

I don 't think yabu. If you find this uncomfortable then that is valid. I think once a week is quite a lot if you don't like being around your dad and in that case I certainly wouldn't agree to him doing the days child are especially as it would mean he'd have to stay over.

CromerSutra Tue 02-Sep-14 08:41:17

We have a relative that we feel a bit like this about and we made the mistake of allowing him to visit often because we felt obligated. It ended up with us getting really pissed off with him so we hardly ever see him now. I feel bad about it and wish I'd just been more honest with him in the first place and come to a compromise. Talk to your dad about it if you can.

diddl Tue 02-Sep-14 08:42:22

i don't think that once a week is too often, that's how often my parents used to come over.

But, it was fuss free.

If I was showered & dressed, I was.
If we needed to shop for lunch, we did.

They also came to see me, not just to take PFB out after years of not being bothered about me.

Sorry if I'm wrong & that isn't the case.

salfordmate Tue 02-Sep-14 08:56:51

Thanks everyone, that's helped me to get a bit of perspective. I don't enjoy his company, and he hasn't been overly bothered by me for many years which annoys me immensely, but I do feel he should see his grandchild, I wish that didn't bother me as much!!! I probably feel more pressure as he doesn't see his other grandchildren, although I can see how this makes life easier for my sister!

He tends to come on the same day each week. Our swimming lessons have just switched to that day so he would have to change days, and I'm quite busy on other days, so I think that will help me to reduce the visits so I feel more comfortable with them.

Thank You.

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