To want to see my nephew?

(212 Posts)
StuntNun Mon 01-Sep-14 16:00:40

My DB had a baby last November, my first 'blood' nephew although I already have a niece and a nephew on my DH's side. It was a complicated and traumatic delivery so when DB and DSIL didn't want visitors right away I understood. However, since then any tentative suggestions that I could visit have been politely but firmly rebuffed. I texted my DB last weekend to say that I could get cheap flights to come over for a weekend this month and I would stay overnight at the hotel near them. He replied that it wasn't convenient until December at the earliest! I have the strong suspicion that in December it will be 'too close to Christmas' and I will be fobbed off yet again. At this point I just think I may as well call the whole thing off and stop asking whether I can visit.

AIBU to want to visit my DB and DSIL and meet my nephew?

MyFairyKing Mon 01-Sep-14 16:01:39

How strange. Do you otherwise have a decent relationship with DB and SIL?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Sep-14 16:05:52

I was about to ask the same question. Maybe the baby is higher maintenance than they anticipated and worry you're going to be judgy? I would say to DB that you really don't want to make work for them, it wouldn't be a long visit and you know that having a baby is a big step and change in circumstances so naturally will take their lead regarding visits and DN's usual routine (if he has one).

Sassyb0703 Mon 01-Sep-14 16:07:10

This sounds extremely weird if you have not fallen out with your Db . Have you visited them before they had the baby ? What about other siblings, your parents, are they also being avoided ?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Mon 01-Sep-14 16:07:37

Could you suggest something low key like a Skype at a time thats best for them so you can have a catch up without them needing to worry about Hosting?

cansu Mon 01-Sep-14 16:08:03

I would guess that maybe there is a problem that you are not being told, maybe there is depression or maybe they are just not getting on that well. I think the only thing to do is politely wait and see. Things will either improve and you will be welcomed or you will eventually find out what the issue is. Have your parents been invited yet?

Pippidoeswhatshewants Mon 01-Sep-14 16:09:43

Very odd indeed. There must be some kind of back story.
Are your parents or anybody else nearby?

BackspaceEnter Mon 01-Sep-14 16:10:01

If there has been no fallouts then could they be struggling with having a baby, maybe SIL had postnatal depression and just wants to be left alone until she can manage it.

Dieu Mon 01-Sep-14 16:11:09

How odd and controlling.

IrenetheQuaint Mon 01-Sep-14 16:12:43

How's your relationship with your DB and SIL generally? Have you visited them in the past?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 01-Sep-14 16:16:46

That sounds really odd, them not you. As others have asked, do you usually get on well with both?

Has anyone from the family met the baby?

ApocalypseThen Mon 01-Sep-14 16:17:36

Is there any chance your sister in law is severely depressed and unable to entertain?

ICanSeeTheSun Mon 01-Sep-14 16:21:49

Very strange.

Has any one else met the baby yet

leedy Mon 01-Sep-14 16:24:05

Depression is what occurred to me as well, or some other health complication with mum or baby. I had bad PND/anxiety after DS1 was born and until I got my meds right really could not cope with visitors/entertaining/even talking to anyone other than DP or my own immediate relatives for quite a while, even presents used to make me cry because I'd have to thank people for them (why yes, I was completely bananas).

Sounds like there have been issues. Many marriages go through a pretty bad period by the time the baby is 6 months old too

Start with Skype/Facetime. If that's not welcome then I would get concerned

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 01-Sep-14 16:26:57

I had pnd after my youngest. Frankly, I kept putting people off, I just couldn't deal with it, or them. Are there parents you could ask if everything is ok?

Summerisle1 Mon 01-Sep-14 16:28:25

Assuming that your relationship has always been fine up to now, it sounds to me as if there's a great deal going on behind the scenes.

DizzyKipper Mon 01-Sep-14 16:31:24

Not unreasonable but I agree with others, there must be something else going on to stop them from wanting you to visit. Has anyone else visited? Do you usually get on well?

DeputyPecksBentBeak Mon 01-Sep-14 17:54:34

Odd, has anyone else been to visit or is it just you they keep fobbing off?

StuntNun Mon 01-Sep-14 21:35:27

I have a close relationship with my DB but I probably only see him in person once a year because of the distance involved (London to Belfast). We usually see each other when we are both at our parents' house. We keep in touch by phone, text, Facebook, email and Skype. I haven't actually met DSIL although we have Skyped. While we knew they were engaged they didn't tell anyone they were married until just after the wedding; it was only them and witnesses at the wedding. Then she got pregnant a couple of months later and didn't want to travel while pregnant. Like Cansu says there must be some underlying problem such as social phobia or depression but they are very private people, we don't even know what was wrong with DNephew other than that he was hospitalised and required multiple operations. My mum has been to visit once and they have been up to stay with her once but she is now getting the same message that she can't go and visit, even if she were to go and stay with friends nearby.

I only have two brothers any my other brother doesn't have kids. I just thought it was normal to go and visit your siblings and see their kids. I'd be quite happy to go out for a meal or out for a walk somewhere nearby. I want to see them, I don't need to see their house.

I'm left a bit bewildered as it seems to be strange behaviour.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 01-Sep-14 21:41:39

I can understand why you're bewildered op, underlying problem or not, it is all rather odd behaviour. Why the secret wedding, for example.

Has your brother always been very private or has that behaviour developed since his relationship with dsil began? Not suggesting anything untoward just it sounds as though you're a close family and there has been a change in behaviour from your brother.

rideyourbike Mon 01-Sep-14 21:42:16

I don't think it's personal. I think something is wrong at their end. Give them time and it will all come out.

polkadotsrock Mon 01-Sep-14 22:02:00

I have experienced similar and whatever the issue is it will all come out in the wash and he/they will appreciate that you never gave up on a relationship with your nephew. Hang in there.

slithytove Mon 01-Sep-14 22:09:36

You didn't put in your OP that DN has had multiple operations...

It sounds like they have had a hell of a time of it and maybe can't cope with guests, even though you are offering to stay in a hotel.

It's normal to want to see them of course. I wouldn't however assume anything is wrong with your relationship, since they are being the same with your mum.

Have you tried telling them what you have posted here?

ApocalypseThen Mon 01-Sep-14 22:18:21

If your nephew has been that seriously ill I think maybe you're best off keeping in touch, sending cards and presents and letting them know that when they say they're ready you'll come, but not before.

It is distressing for you not to see him, I get that. But I think, in the context of never having met your sister in law to date, not that odd. I mean, it's very peculiar that you haven't met her, and I think it may pose questions about their relationship, but if you are a stranger to her, I can see that she might not feel like putting herself out with such a sick baby to mind (and fret over).

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