to think true friends don't blow hot and cold?

(19 Posts)
checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 11:34:19

Or if we are truly as close as she claims, it wouldn't be 5 hour phonecalls one minute sharing everything and telling me how much she appreciates having me in her life, then the next thing I know my messages and calls are ignored for days on end leaving me worried that something terrible has happened. Maybe I'm expecting too much but I get so upset by it. I haven't brought it up with her as I'm not sure if it's me being silly.

mrssmith79 Mon 01-Sep-14 11:44:00

I had a friend just like this. Finally saw the light a few months ago and now have no contact with her whatsoever - it's like a weight has been lifted.
She doesn't drive and, looking back, I was mostly in favour when I was needed for things like supermarket shopping and lifts from work. She'd go quiet for weeks at a time when someone or something more interesting came along

mrssmith79 Mon 01-Sep-14 11:48:35

Oops, blimmin new layout!
She was also incredibly self absorbed and, again looking back, I was no better than her 'yes-man', the timid fat ego-stroking sidekick with a car. Everyone saw it but me - DH even started calling me Baldrick confused.

Try making the break op - it might be hard for a while but ultimately (in my humble experience) you'll be better off for it.

"I haven't brought it up with her as I'm not sure if it's me being silly."
You haven't brought it up with her because she has made you feel it is you being silly angry.

Take a step back from this person, she is no good for you (no good for anyone, really). Her behaviour is not the behaviour of a friend. She reeled you in with her confidences and five hour phonecalls, and now she's got you she's playing with you sad like a spiteful spoilt child.

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:18:29

I don't want to believe she is like you say. I love her dearly. She has gone through some difficult life events....I have been so lucky in comparison and have so much respect for her strength. If I try to see her behaviour objectively (which I find so hard to do) I can see she doesn't always treat me the way a close friend should. She recently had something going on which was upsetting her a lot but completely ignored me for a couple of weeks with the odd one-line message hinting that something was very wrong but nothing more. I was obviously so worried but she wouldn't tell me anything or let me help at all. Then suddenly she will want to talk all night. If I think back to other friends who have been going through difficult times, they have always at least acknowledged any messages of support.

Dreamingofmiami Mon 01-Sep-14 12:20:31

It's not you, it's her. Be busy next time she wants a five hour telephone call which, I imagine, is all about her. Step away and be free!

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:23:15

She's actually a good listener when we are having a "close" phase. I have made it clear that I am always happy to listen and help as she has issues with not wanting to be a drain on others. She doesn't seem to get that it's far worse to have the friendship suddenly withdrawn and spend days or weeks worrying and feeling sad.

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:28:23

I also find it hurtful that almost all the plans she makes for us to meet up don't happen. There is always a plausible reason, usually involving a family member needing something urgently. I suppose family always get priority over friends, but still....

ThursdayLast Mon 01-Sep-14 12:28:49

She isn't ever going to understand.
You need to protect yourself.

I recently realised that after spending time with a particular person, I always came away feeling really shitty. So I thought I'd just leave it for a while, give a myself a bit of a break from them.
The only time I've heard from her since is to announce baby (text), thank for babies gift (text), and then I met baby at a mutual friends house.
From this I take that maybe we're not actually such good friends after all.

TalcumPowder Mon 01-Sep-14 12:30:15

Well, yes and no. Obviously, she shouldn't feel she can invite you in and out of her life as she sees fit, but there are a lot of 'shoulds' in your posts about the way you feel 'close friends' behave. Leaving aside the drama-queen hinting texts etc, maybe you just have different expectations of a friendship.

When difficult things happen to me, I don't want to talk, and I withdraw, and don't answer the phone or emails, even to close friends. It would baffle me to think they were sitting around worrying about me, as I assume they have lots of things going on in their own lives at the time. Something terrible happened to one of my closest friends this spring, and I didn't hear from her for weeks, because she was dealing with the situation. I'd have hated her to feel the extra pressure of having to keep me in the loop on top of it all...

Can't you just take a step back and stop being so psychologically over-involved? If you want to keep this friendship, it sounds as if you would have an easier time if you relaxed your ideas of how 'close friends' behave...

She's playing you. You are a toy to her. When she get bored or sees another toy she wants to play with, she puts you back in the box for later.

Sorry to be so harsh, but your post of 12:18:29 makes it very clear to someone not emotionally involved in the situation. She has made you feel guilty that you have has a good life compared to hers (you probably only have her word for that) and teased your curiosity/compassion with her teasingly presented 'something very wrong'.

I expect you are a very nice person, because only a nice person gets drawn in by how she is presenting herself to you. And how she is presenting herself is probably quite far from how she is.

Sorry, but she's not a friend. To you or anyone.

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:33:27

When we are together we have a wonderful time and I miss her so much. She says she misses me too.

But you are right, I have to protect myself. It's just so sad though to think that maybe we don't have what I thought we did.

I wondered if I was being too needy and expecting too much.

TalcumPowder Mon 01-Sep-14 12:36:05

Cross-post, OP. I don't think she is 'withdrawing her friendship' at the times you talk less, I think that there are just different rhythms to the way she operates to what you expect. Aren't there also times when you are too busy or exhausted or stressed or sad or preoccupied to keep in touch with her?

I wonder if you know the same person I do?! Friends for 20 years, but lost contact for a while, then in the past couple of years she's been around I thought we were close - looking back she'd only ever answer my messages with a couple of words or one line, then move on to talk about her latest drama, and believe me they were all dramas, cancelled or changed arrangements to my detriment (sometimes she's promised to come out with my DCs and then changed her mind or had a better offer, then posted on Facebook that she's in the park with so and so and her kids - WTAF?!) I had a bereavement earlier in the year and she did everything possible not to talk about it or acknowledge it, kept saying I needed time but that's all she said, 3 words!

Christmas we went out, she said she was going to the toilet then she simply walked out of venue and went home, then sent me a text saying she wasn't well, last arrangement she cancelled 45 minutes before we were due to meet. When I called her on it, she went ape, blamed me etc. said I wasn't sympathetic and how could I, and a lot of other things which had the f word in it - in fact it was the most she'd said to me for months!

I am sad our friendship came to an end but it had to be done. I agree with posters above, she's playing with you.

seasavage Mon 01-Sep-14 12:45:12

I had a friend who would call, ask me to call back and chat for hours. There were many many other things that lead to this being a past tense situation. I do think discussing with her what it is you DO want rather than what you DON'T want (because you enjoy her company and that might be salvageable).

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:46:46

Talcum I think that is probably how she is. I have tried so hard to be understanding and respond as I think she wants and needs. Of course I don't want her to have to feel like she needs to keep me informed about everything, but when things are good she will tell me how much she needs and values my input. The leading comments about something being wrong I find very odd though, because they are then followed by silence. If she truly doesn't want to talk, then why say anything at all? She has explained later sometimes that she didn't want me to have to deal with it all too, but I did have to really because of the mystery comments.

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:51:01

To answer your question Talcum, there have been times when I've not felt too sociable and my friend has asked if everything's ok and even if I didn't feel like chatting I would send a quick reply explaining. I would never just ignore. That is so rude and hurtful.

checkeredpresent Mon 01-Sep-14 12:55:47

Notonething the walking out at Christmas is very rude and odd! It is such a shame that things can go that way when you genuinely get along really well with someone.

Seasavage I have never told her any of this. I always reaffirm that she can come to me for anything. I genuinely mean that but her sudden disappearances make me doubt her trust in what I say. But I am prepared to accept that is entirely my issue and I could be completely wrong.

sillystring Mon 01-Sep-14 17:10:12

We've all had a "friend" like this in our lives OP, they are all the same, drama llama users who will bleed you dry and leave an emotional husk. Get out now.

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