To not invite them to our wedding?

[Bambamboom]

Me and dp have booked our wedding for November next year. Sat down and talked about guest list and who we wanted as groomsmen (his choice entirely) and bridesmaids (my choice) a while ago.
I've asked two old family friends who I cherish and although we don't see each other often they mean a lot and always will, my sisters and 2 other friends. Since asking 1 of these friends I just haven't seen her, I try to contact her and she rarely replies and when she does never replies when I ask to arrange a date to meet up. She was my best friend at school, we were very close but she spent the summer 10 minutes down the road and hasn't seen me once despite my efforts. She's actually my child's godmother, but she has really been pretty useless since dd got here, as you can tell I'm hurt.
I no longer wish to invite my "friends" who seem to have time for everyone but me and my family, whatever there reasons for it I don't want to pay £65 for them to come to what will only be a free party to them when they can't be bothered in day to day life.
However I don't feel comfortable demanding this of dps massive grooms list, none of them bother with us, they are only interested in going out and getting bladdered and even when I tell dp to organise a lads night they don't bother.
I'm paying personally for every penny of this wedding and I don't particularly want people who a)barely know me, b) don't bother with my dp and c)couldn't give a shit about us as a family despite 2 of them being godfathers to our daughter!
(before the question is raised, we asked them to be godparents because before growing up and having a family we used to see them a lot, they were once very reliable friends that since having a daughter have really let us down, yes I deeply regret asking any of them, what can I do now?
Basically, would I be unreasonable to suggest we only invite close friends we see outside of work, who at least keep regular contact and ask how we are and show a little interest us?
It would actually mean not inviting my own maid of honour but I genuinely feel if I didn't message her between now and the wedding next year, she wouldn't even notice.
Feeling really let down, I think I have 1 person that isn't family that I call a true friend, sad realisation huh?
Sorry for the rant!

[magoria]

Sit down with your dp, tell him what you have said here and see how he feels.

Sounds like you could save a large chunk of ££ that you could maybe put towards something else you would both like?

[maggiethemagpie]

I wouldn't invite her. It will just make you feel uncomfortable on the day. I have similar (ish ) situation, an old friend of 10 years standing recently downgraded me to 'acquaintance' and hurt me quite a lot in the process, despite the fact that I went to her wedding she will not be getting an invite to mine.

Don't invite people to your wedding who aren't there for you in real life (relatives excepted)

[Spadequeen]

Yanbu. Stop contacting them and see what happens

[wheresthelight]

I think you would be entirely reasonable to have the discussion but be prepared for him not to feel the same about his groomsmen.

when I got married (pending divorce) I only invited those who made an effort with me/us as we had a tight budget and there wasn't money spare to invite old friends who bought longer bothered with me.

[Stickerrocks]

It's completely understandable that you're hurt that friendships have changed since you had your daughter. It sounds as though you are all at different stages of your lives. With the benefit of hindsight, you must be regretting making plans and promises so far ahead of the big day.

Your wedding is about you & your partner committing to spend the rest of your lives with each other, but sometimes it gets muddled up with family/friend politics. I think that you and your DP need to sit down and have a proper conversation about what you both expect from the day, then you need to work out how many people you each want to invite. It's your DP's decision who he wants to invite from his share of the spaces you agree on.

I'm sure you realise that if you don't invite some of your old friends, especially of you had previously asked them to be the MoH or bridesmaid, that you are opening a can of worms. You may be able to get away with scaling back the size of the wedding party on both sides, but do you really want to not invite them at all? Part of the fun of a wedding is seeing all the different people from different parts of your life in the same place celebrating with you. I haven't seen some of the people who came to my wedding 20 years ago since that day, but I'm still glad they were there, because they were part of my history.

[choirmumoftwo]

I'd say relatives included to be honest maggie. We didn't invite any of my dad's side of the family to our wedding (which we paid for) as we never see them. Dad was fine with it by the way. Why should you invite anyone to (probably) the most important event of your life who you wouldn't want to see on a day to day basis?

[MissBattleaxe]

If the wedding is booked for next year than I think 14 months in advance is way too soon to be fretting about such things.

Sometimes when people have kids they don't have as much time for friendships. Is that the case here?

[MissBattleaxe]

Oh sorry, reading the thread I see you have a DD, not your friends.

I would also say that having lots of groomsmen and lots of bridesmaids sounds a bit excessive if you haven't been in close or regular touch with them all.

You could consider having none at all or just inviting them to the stag and hen if you both wanted to include them in some way.

[Bambamboom]

They don't have children, that's why they don't bother. Me and my daughter and our family aren't interesting to them.
They are at very different stages in life, all of them and I do regret asking them, but actually I thought it was a way of showing them they were special to me and we would like to book things well in advance as actually the caterers we are using are now fully booked for November next year (crazy I know) so unfortunately we do need to talk numbers now.
I can understand that they don't have children yet, why would they want to come to soft play? I wouldn't want to if I didn't have children but you know what I would if it meant I could see my friend I loved dearly. But they don't even reply, don't want to meet up, have no time for any of us and I'm not so sure I want to work my ass off to
Pay for them to be there on my special day.
It's true, I could open up a whole can of worms, I do worry about that but I've tried and tried with the moh and she really just isn't interested :/

[cerealqueen]

YANBU at all, why invite people you feel have been hurtful, and aren't interested in your life anymore.

I can totally emphasise with where you are in your life. Have people there who when you see them, bring a smile to your face, not ones who you feel let down by. Its ok to feel that paths have diverged so much that you don't want certain people there.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

You're right. Do it your own way. The ceremony can mark a new phase where you know who your friends are and let old and negative connections go.

[DwellsUndertheSink]

go to vegas, or gretna, and tell only those close family that you want there. then organise a party for later. job done!

[teachermummy2b]

I think planning a wedding definitely makes you evaluate your friendships. I got married 3 weeks ago and similarly to you only wanted people that are a part of my life now to watch me get married. We were not bothered about a big church wedding so decided early on to get married in a register office. This made it much easier to only invite close family and friends - we had 29 including me & dh at the ceremony and to a meal at a restaurant afterwards, and then had an 'everyone welcome' party in the evening. It was a lovely day, & the ceremony and meal felt intimate and cosy. It had the added advantage that our wedding cost about 1/5 of the price of friends weddings who got married with all their friends and family at a hotel for example.

I think you would be able to explain that you are having a very small affair and most people would understand. Especially if you have a bigger celebration in the evening. I presume you havent semt actual invites yet? I would have a chat with your dp and re-evaluate say 6-8 months before the big day.

[Bambamboom]

We've discussed going to Denmark to marry and having a celebration when we get back. Perhaps this would be far easier, just a shame but would be easier than explaining why people are no longer part of the wedding party etc.
Think it's more feeling a bit hurt and let down but I can kind of see how people grow apart, maybe that's just a fact I have to accept

[LizardBreath]

I get married Dec 2015 and having similar dilemmas. I've decided to park it all for now and worry about it next spring.

It's a difficult one with your bridesmaid, one of my friends was in a v similar situation to you but she kept distant bridesmaid in. It's the one thing she regrets about her wedding! They've literally not seen one another since and she was a pain to get to fittings. Maybe see how things go with your friend over Christmas (and don't make any more effort yourself) and then decide?

[BecauseIsaidS0]

I chose to invite a friend who had been a rather difficult friend, for the sake of years of friendship. She behaved appallingly. Other than that, I'd been really good at not inviting people I didn't want there. If I was to do it again, I'd be even more brutal.

[Iconfuseus]

YANBU when it comes to your own friends. It sounds like you have drifted apart and I can't really see what you can do about it.

I think you are right to stay out of the situation between your DP and his friends. In my experience mens friendships are different. He has a few friends who he sees very rarely, but when they do catch up they seem to pick up again as if they'd never been apart. Just seems to be the way they do things.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I wish you a very happy future.

[LapsedTwentysomething]

Why are you paying for every penny of the wedding yourself OP? Is it a sort of trade off in which DP is paying for x while you pay for that? I ask because it might help you to feel that it's more of a joint investment.

Otherwise I understand where you're coming from entirely. I have recently stopped contact with a number of people who just don't bother. They don't appear to have noticed. I would say YANBU and that dp will have to understand re the groomsmen, particularly if you're footing the entire bill.

[Bambamboom]

If I'm completely honest, I'm paying for a heck of a lot including the 20k worth of debt dp wracked up before we were together he will be paying for the mortgage & the bills once the debt is payed and I will be paying for the wedding (from wages) and the debt from inheritance.
Wouldn't be doing it if we didn't have a child together but it needs to
Be payed for financial stability etc.

[skippy84]

I would say don't invite your friends who have let you down. By the sounds of it they'd probably be relieved not to have to go.

I would let your husband to be make his own choices regarding his friends though. It's up to him if he wants them there or not.

[CrapBag]

I had a couple of friends as bridesmaids. I'd asked them whilst we were good friends, then I got ill and they just weren't around as I couldn't go out clubbing and things anymore. My hen night confirmed it, it was all about them and they couldn't have given a shit about me. After me reception, I wasn't aware I was suppose to arrange their transportation (wedding was local to our city) and they made it clear later they weren't happy about it. I saw them once after my wedding and dropped them after. I regret it big time, because of the cost to have them and they are in all of the main wedding photos.

You will regret it if you have non friends just because you have asked them already, ultimately, who cares if they get upset by it when they have proved they aren't real friends?

[CrapBag]

So you are paying for his 20k worth of debt and the wedding from your inheritance, I'd say you have every right to bring up his groomsmen with him.

[Bambamboom]

Yup.
I think it's at least fair of me to say if he wishes to have 8 groomsmen he can at least pay for them of he insists on having them all, including the useless ones. Or just invite them as guests and I'll pay?
Goodness knows, I'll see how he feels about cutting back on bridesmaids and groomsmen and see how he reacts.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, are you dead certain this is the man for you? I know that's not what you're asking, but you are paying for his debt (that presumably you didn't benefit from) from an inheritance? And you are paying for all of the wedding, too? And he is letting you do this?

I can think of men I'd like to have married that really wouldn't let that happen.

[Bambamboom]

He will be paying over 1k a month of bills including the mortgage etc. he can't afford to do that whilst he had the debt but will effectively pay me back within 20 months of paying bills and mortgage etc.
I see how it looks, but he's not nasty he's just a complete idiot.