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AIBU?

Am I going too far re snappy dog?

57 replies

LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 08:29

I have posted about this before but it's ongoing and significant at the moment due to a family event.

My DM has three sisters. We have always been quite an involved family and my DD loves her great aunts, one in particular who had until the incident described always given her a lot of playful attention.

18 months ago, at a family party at that particular aunt's home, her very spoilt dog tried to bite my cousin's DD, then aged two, in the face. Luckily she jumped back and the dog missed her. Despite my cousin's insistence that her DD had simply been walking past it was dismissed by my aunt as her having provoked him and him reacting Hmm. Regardless, my view is that the dog can't be trusted around children. I suspect it was partly disgruntled because family mebers who had been drinking had been using the dog's squeaky toys to amuse my cousin's baby.

I really feel that if a dog has form for biting, it can't be trusted around children at all. The following week I called ahead of another celebration at the same house to ask whether my aunt would mind closing the dog away. She was a bit snotty about it but replied that of course he would. We went along and the dog, plus other guests' dogs were lose. Another aunt (also a dog lover) seemed to be making a point of playing with the baby at floor level, with the dogs jumping around him.

The incident really opened my eyes to the risks of any dog being unrestrained around small children and I made the decision we simply couldn't risk visits any more, including the other aunt who has two dogs running freely and insists on feeding my DCs crap crisps and biscuits while they are around. She has refused point blank to do anything to restrain her dogs, who are even allowed on the dinner table and fed there by the family.

To cut a long story short this has led to our exclusion from family events. There was another big one last night at the house with the snappy dog. However my cousin took her DCs along and doesn't seem as concerned about the risk as I do. This makes me question myself. AIBU? Should I let it drop now?

My feeling is that the risk is still as great as it was 18 months ago and that when adults are drinking and going off to play with the kids without paying full attention, it's not safe.

I also feel that given our exclusion during a tough year (my DM has advanced cancer) I am ready to cut ties.

But am I overreacting?

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 31/08/2014 08:31

No, you're not.

VivaLeBeaver · 31/08/2014 08:32

I have a snappy dog who used to be muzzled if small kids came over. Dog is 1000x better than what he was and I really don't think he'd snap at anyone now but I still tend to have him on a lead.

LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 08:34

I am very hurt about it by the way. And DD would love to see more of her great aunts. DS is too young to remember them.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 31/08/2014 08:34

No, not at all.

MrsWolowitz · 31/08/2014 08:38

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MrsWolowitz · 31/08/2014 08:39

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Charitybelle · 31/08/2014 08:40

No, too many people confuse their love of their dogs with thinking that makes them safe. No dog is ever 100% safe around anyone, and I say that as a vegetarian, animal lover, pet owner. They are animals and proper precautions should always be taken, especially around children. This doesn't mean you can't love them and share appropriate events with them, but they should be properly trained and it doesn't sound like this is the case here. I think you've done the right thing, and it's v sad that your family seem to value a dogs presence at family events more than you and your dc.
Some will say you're overreacting, and it's true that dog attacks on children are relatively rare (thankfully) but I suspect that's more luck than judgement in many cases. I went to school with a girl who had a terrible facial scar from a dog attack as a young child. Not a vicious pit bull loose on the street, but a disgruntled family pet such as the one you describe. I' m sure she would tell you that you're doing the right thing!

MrsCumbersnatch · 31/08/2014 08:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pepsiaddict · 31/08/2014 08:43

Not overreacting at all. Our dog is an elderly collie and although not overtly snappy or aggressive caould snap if she was accidently stood on. She wasn't used to children before we had them so we're very careful and they are never unsupervised together. If we have visitors with children over the dog is muzzled or contained upstairs / outside. Much as I love her she will be euthanased if she bites so I don't let her get into any potential situations where she could be cornered / stood on. People often tell me she will be fine with their kids but I'm not taking the chance.

tumbletumble · 31/08/2014 08:43

Have you told them (or one of them) how hurt you are? They may think you're using it as an excuse and you don't really want to come?

LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 08:44

Not intending to drip feed but is it significant tha these are not considered typically dangerous dogs? The snappy one is some sort of hybrid, a westoodle I think. The others are miniature schnauzers.

Personally I think that any dog can be dangerous.

My gran also has one of the latter as has complained that she is being made to feel guilty for owning a dog. She allowed hers to jump up at my newborn DS as she cuddled him. I ended up taking him back (this was before the incident).

I think their judgement is poor tbh. But I worry that if (when) we lose my mum we will be sad to have no contact with them. Also I don't really want to make her life more difficult. But I don't really feel inclined to go along and play happy families at the rare event where dogs can't come or arent't welcome (my mum's).

OP posts:
halfwildlingwoman · 31/08/2014 08:46

You are not over-reacting. They have chosen their dogs over your DC. We are estranged from DH's brother's family for many reasons but one is that last time we were there they let their dog run around with lots of food and when it nipped their DC they firstly blamed the child and secondly hit the dog. Not the dog's fault, but you can't risk your DC's.

WooWooOwl · 31/08/2014 08:47

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's up to you to do what you think is safest for your children. But I don't think you have been excluded by your family, you are the one making the (possibly very sensible) choice not to be there.

Tbh, I wouldn't shut my dog away for other people's children, but then my dog has never snapped.

sandgrown · 31/08/2014 08:49

My dog nipped my very lively DGS. He has never had a problem with my other DGC but I always make sure he is locked away when the youngest one is there. I value the children above the dog. Sorry to hear about your DM.

LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 08:50

They know how hurt I am and the third (wonderfully kind) aunt has recently taken my part in telling them so. I'm struggling to do so without being over emotional. I think my gran and the second aunt are quite angry. I certainly haven't heard from them apart from the guilt comment, second hand.

The aunt whose party it was, and whose dog snapped, sent me a text apologising because apparently she had offended me. Still ok change though as she was fine with us not coming to the party.

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 08:53

Oh and a final drip feed - my cousin, the first aunt's daughter, first mooted the idea of a big party for her mum. At the time I replied as follows:

'Depends if it's dog free or not. Exactly the sort of situation that's a nightmare if I have to constantly follow the kids around (food/drink/going off with adults who then forget they're watching them). Yes if no dogs; no if there will be x'

I was assured at the time that it would be in a function room then heard nothing. I followed up to learn that it was at home due to numbers (which turned out to be untrue - it was cost, but ho-hum).

My cousin is DD's godmother Sad.

Ok I'm just venting now.

OP posts:
sandgrown · 31/08/2014 08:56

Just seen your last post. I do think you should go when the occasion is at your mum's and no dogs allowed. Your DC can see their aunts and surely your mum would be upset if you do not attend?

Pepsiaddict · 31/08/2014 08:58

Perhaps having that type of conversation by phone would be better than text as it does sound like an ultimatum and could get your relatives backs up if these dogs are treated as members of the family. Your concerns are real and valid but it is difficult to get this across in a text.

LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 08:59

I will, and it's my DB's wedding next year. But we won't be attending the family Christmas meal at a pub as I no longer feel inclined to superficial pleasantries.

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 09:00

I did make the original request on the phone. It got my aunt's back up and was ignored anyway. The text was a response to my cousin's text. My aunt's text was a bizarre substitute for an actual conversation.

OP posts:
LapsedTwentysomething · 31/08/2014 09:01

I don't want them to come and see my DCs on their birthdays. I would prefer that they just forgot about ten rather than DD asking when we can see them. Too much?

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bakingtins · 31/08/2014 09:04

Dog bites are not relatively rare though! there were over a thousand hospital admissions caused by dog bites in under 9's last year ( source NHS choices) and nobody counts the near- misses. Most children are bitten by dogs known to them in a domestic setting and by dogs of any breed. The only reason it's the pit bulls who make the news is they do more damage.

YADNBU not to attend events where the dogs are unrestrained, but I would try and focus the issue purely on the dogs and see the family at your DM's house.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 31/08/2014 09:06

YANBU - my parents have their own very passive dog but also mind a family member's unpredictable snappy dog all day, and my DF is inclined to put the dog (even though its not his) above the kids, and defend it by saying it doesn't mean harm and the kids should not rush past the dog and should stand still if it snaps, so the skin will not tear! The dog's owner is even worse and always blames the one bitten for "provoking" the dog (it has nipped other children and another adult in the family who is well used to dogs but would feel embarrassed making a fuss), not herself for not keeping the dog away from/ supervised with small children.

The first time we met the dog it snapped my toddler's hand as he ran past, opening the skin but fortunately not needing stitches, and it heeled fine, but I was very unhappy when we went to stay there and my parents had omitted to tell me they would have the dog all week as family member was away. Luckily although my DM and I don't always see eye to eye, in this case she agreed to shut the dog away in the sitting room so it would be "comfy", meaning my kids could only sit in the kitchen

I found it telling that my DF took precautions to be sure the snappy dog was kept segregated from their new kitten, but not my toddler.

Some people have a massive blind sport when it comes to their dogs, unfortunately in that case its only responsible to keep our own young kids away from those houses...

WooWooOwl · 31/08/2014 09:08

It sounds like your cutting off your nose to spite your face her really.

I understand you not wanting your children around a dog that you know has snapped at a child before, but I do think you have to have some respect for the fact that at other people's homes they are free to make their own choices for their own pets, and that's not a reflection on you or your children.

You seem to be taking this as a personal insult, but it isn't.

FatherDickByrne · 31/08/2014 09:09

YANBU. I'm scared of dogs. People often laugh at me and minimise or ignore my fears. I take big precautions around dogs, particularly after I met a little girl recently with a lot of facial scarring - she'd been attacked by two dogs in the street. Their owner was powerless to pull them off her & has admitted responsibility, been sentenced etc. The dogs were put down.

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