To refuse to allow DS aged 11 to use Snapchat app

[MissyHils]

DS3 aged 12 has pleaded with me to allow him to have the Snapchat app on his smartphone so he can send and share pics with his friends. We had the same conversation around 6 months ago and I said no, as I felt he was too young to use it responsibly. Cue rant from son about me being world's worst parent etc. He asked again today, as some of his primary school friends are moving to a different secondary school and he'd like to stay in touch with them using Snapchat. I'm still not at all happy about allowing this, as I feel that he's too young (official snapchat age limit is 13 yrs) . Also, with Snapchat I can't monitor his activity as, according to the Snapchat publicity, images / messages disappear 2 - 10 seconds after they are sent.
I am ICT savvy, and regularly have the "staying safe online" conversation with my children, as well as monitoring all of their online activity at my home. Situation is slightly complicated by the addition of an over permissive ex-h who allows the children to decide what they have access to when at his house, and tells the children I'm over reacting and out of touch - no bitterness or anger there on my part - honest.
I'm really welcome other mumsnetters opinions here, as maybe I am out of touch and over reacting on this one.

Thank you

Hil

[MrsWinnibago]

YANBU. He's too young and you know him best.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

Have spoken to Ds2 - 16 and Dd - 18, who uses Snapchat a lot, both say you would be a bit unreasonable as you can set Snapchat so you can only receive friends' chats. They both have had great fun using\reading it and, it's free!

[notagainffffffffs]

Too young. I think it was originally created for sexting so I feel weird about kids using it at all.

[RedToothBrush]

Snapchat, is perhaps the one social media thing, that I would say a flat no to.

Too much room for abuse.

[MrsWinnibago]

Here's the thing. Why do 11 year olds need to delete their texts after 10 seconds?

One reason only.

They're not suitable.

[Dawnlight]

I have said yes to snapchat but am very closely monitoring. Tbh, have said no to everything else except email and iMessage. Dd caught me off guard with this one and I should have said no. Seeing how it goes for now though.

[MrsWinnibago]

Dawn can you see all your DC sends on it though? How can you monitor it if they disapear so fast?

[Tikimon]

You need a phone to use snap chat. Why can't he simply text his friends instead?

I wouldn't let my child use it. It lulls kids into a false sense of security, and all they have to do is take a lewd photos and their friends can screen cap it.

Or, more likely, someone can send inappropriate images to your child.

[MissyHils]

Thank you all for your advice and comments. DS3 is very influenced by his friends (school report 6 weeks ago also highlighted his propensity for entertaining his friends in school time ) so I'm not very confident about his personal judgement.
Dawnlight, how do you monitor Snapchat, as the company info says you can't retrieve sent messages etc?

[everydayvalue]

I would let him have it, but only let him add friends.

[MrsWinnibago]

Don't feel bad if you decide not to. He will survive. The kids who are allowed ALL the apps and devices aren't any happier than those who are not.

[MrsWinnibago]

Everyday unfortunately "only adding friends" is no protection from bullying.

[everydayvalue]

Feeling out of the loop makes some kids unhappy.

[Dawnlight]

Mrswinnebego She's quite open about how she uses social media and will show me stuff and check if it's ok to send things, or ask permission first. She knows the rules (and why they're there) and I trust her. We've had some very frank conversations about what can happen with your photos/videos/messages and she reads the papers so she's fairly clued up.

I don't think for a minute that there is any danger of her taking 'lewd pictures' and sending them. Mostly the pictures are of her nails or the guinea pigs. However, if she wanted to hide stuff from me, she would have no problem deleting texts or messages anyway.

It is hard finding the balance. I think I would rather she tested out how to use social media while I have her confidence than leaving it till 13/14 when I possibly won't have as much control. At the moment, all our devices are in the living room, and used pretty much only there. I doubt this will be the case in a few years time.

[MrsWinnibago]

everyday yes but being "in the loop" isn't always good for them. It depends what being in the loop involves. When I was 13 it involved going to a certain girl's home on a Friday evening when her parents were out, drinking cheap cider and snogging boys you didn't particulary want to snog.

I did it a couple of times and hated it....then I realised that being in the cool gang was actually a bit shit.

[Dawnlight]

I wonder if that happens less these days.

I would be less inclined to snog a grotty boy if I thought a photo of it might end up going viral.

[MrsWinnibago]

I don't know Dawn....I hope so. I do think that girls are far less likely to be pushed around than they were in the 80s...that's for sure. I also think kids are more savvy...in a general sense. So hopefully.

[cromwell44]

I think it's interesting that you did the ' in the loop' thing mrswin and decided for yourself that it wasn't for you. Your parents didn't forbid it but you made a decision for yourself. I know I'm aiming for my children to be able to make sensible choices for themselves but they need a bit if practise to develop those skills. Saying no to everything on their behlaf doesn't give them that practise. You know your child best and probably know what's an acceptable level of freedom for him.

[MrsWinnibago]

My parents never forbade me anything. It's not relevant because I had too much freedom. Practically brought myself up. I was far too streetwise, far too young. I was never a free and easy happy kid because I was aware of too much too soon.

[sashh]

Also, with Snapchat I can't monitor his activity as, according to the Snapchat publicity, images / messages disappear 2 - 10 seconds after they are sent.

They do not show up in searches but they are not deleted.

There was someone on the teenagers section a week or so ago whose teenage dd, legally an adult, was being sent unsuitable pictures.

What is he going to do if he receives an unsuitable picture?

[saintlyjimjams]

Snap chat is the one app my 12 year old really likes (he's end of year 8). He uses it to talk to friends - he's really not at the sending dodgy photos stage yet (I know some kids his age might be) - but he likes taking selfies & writing stuff over the top & drawing love hearts etc. I can't see that it's something I could ban forever (he's nearly 13 anyway) but he's still young enough for me to stick my nose in a lot. He uses iMessage as well but is using an iPod linked to my account so that comes up on my phone - I guess I could do the same with snapchat? While he's young, obviously he'll reach an age when he's not going to tolerate that and it wouldn't be acceptable.