To feel hurt and pissed off about something so childish

[inmyshoos]

My dd has been friends with another little girl since i met her Mum at toddler. They went to pre school together and have been firn buddies throughout (with the usual toddler squabbles of course)

So they are at school now. There are only 3 girls in the year and so before they started school we (the Mums) had talked briefly about how 3 can be tricky and we should make an effort to keep them as a 3 so no one left out.

The Mum who i am most friendly with is by her own admission insecure and likes to be popular. She also has had some experience of her older dd being left out by other girls and this is a huge stress for her. I understand all of this however since the little ones have been at school she has made constant efforts with the other mum and her dd to the point that she constantly encourages her dd to call the other girl her 'best bud' and 'bff'. They do classes together at weekend and play at each others house. My dd never invited.

If it had just happened then fine but it is the complete disregard for my dd and i know if i had done this (constant invutes for play dates, classes together, nights out with the Mum) then this mum would be playing the 'im so hurt, my poor dd, why were we not invited'.

I just hate the fact that she is so sensitive when she is on the receiving end but completely insensitive to how she makes others feel.

She will text asking what im.uo to and i will text back what im doing and say 'what about you, what you doing?' And then she doesnt text back but a week later will text say ' hope everything ok? Havent heard from you in ages'.

I want to be her friend but i cant help feeling quite hurt by her actions.

I know i probably need a good slap but we live in a tiny community. There are only a few of us and i feel we need to stick together.

[holyhell]

She's a user.

[inmyshoos]

Id hate to think she was a user. I do think most of it stems from insecurity. Her and I get on really well mostly and i do with the other Mum too but i dont have the inclination or energy to manipulate the situation like she does. It is mostly hurtful because i know if she was in my shoes it would be a major deal for her. And i would never be so insensitive anyway.

[MrsJoeDolan]

Nope.sorry. User. If her dd dropped other girls she would be back like a shot

[Nanny0gg]

Being insecure doesn't stop her being a user.

Just invite the other girl over occasionally for play.

[MrsWinnibago]

I'd move DD. It's awful being in a situation like this ....can you really see it going on and on for the next 5 years!?

My DD was in a similar school and I moved her at the end of year 2. Best thing I ever did.

[inmyshoos]

Honestly feel inviting the other girl over would be me 'playing the game' and she would 'up the game' because thats how she works. Its hurtful and i hate all the game playing.

[inmyshoos]

mrswinni there is no where to move to and have other dc at school too.

[PecanNut]

Only 3 girls in the year? How many boys are there?

Round here every class is full to bursting so I'm slightly surprised that there would be so few.

Can you encourage your DD to be friends with any of the boys or the girls in the year above / below?

oh and I agree with those that said this other mum sounds very selfish.

[inmyshoos]

Yes pecan i know seems bizarre to have such few numbers but we are very rural.
There was one new pupil this year and dd has been playing with her. Dd also happy playing with others. She isn't lonely or unhappy which i know is the main thing but she does notice. Will say how the other two are bffs etc. Who started all this bff stuff!? I hate it. Why cant they all just be friends!

Small school is lovely but friendships even more tricky in small numbers.

[redexpat]

do you feel able to approach the third mum and explain your feelings?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Tbh, what have you got to lose by texting/contacting her and asking why she is deliberately excluding your dd - especially as she knows how painful it is when a child is excluded?

[RhiWrites]

Why can't you talk to both mums that having agreed to keep them as a 3 you feel your daughter is being left out of a lot of things. Explain that you don't expect her to be invited to everything but it would be great if their daughters could include her more. And see what they say.

[whois]

Being insecure doesn't make someone less of a cow bag.

I think the best solution is to call her out on it and ask why she is pushing to exclude your DD all the time.

[effinandjeffin]

Missing the point entirely, but is there any way your dd could go to another school? I had this at my primary, only 3 girls in the class and it was utterly, utterly awful. We were forever falling out with two of us going off and leaving the other out. Not always the same two, I might add, but if you were the one whose turn it was not to be a bff, twas shite.

Anyway back to the point, for the mother to encourage leaving your dd out on purpose is horrendous especially when you all spoke about it beforehand. However, as much she might want it, you can't force a friendship and as the children grow older, it may backfire. Btw, the mother sounds immature, needy and pathetic.

[Maisyblue]

She knows what it feels like for her dd to be left out but thinks it quite fine for your dd to be left out. It might seem childish but perhaps the only way is to invite the other child over for tea or a nice outing and wait for this mothers so predictable outrage. Then you can say something like, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise it might upset you, I just thought that with you doing the same thing on my dd that was the way you wanted to play it..... shall we stick to the original plan then and make sure no child is left out"?

[confusedandemployed]

I'd be inviting the other child over too. Then, if the expected shitstorm happens, you can directly draw the comparison with her own behaviour. She sounds like a self-absorbed cow.

[LEMmingaround]

Why do girls only have to play with girls??? How many boys in the class? Could you encourage friendship with some of the boys?

[BarbarianMum]

If your dd is happy and has plenty of playmates then it might be she doesn't want to spend all her time as part of a 3 way friendship. Suggest you ask your 'friend's' dd over occasionally, the other little girl over occasionally and have plenty of playdates with other children.

I know you thought 3 could be a problem but maybe it won't be because your dd has other friends.

[SavoyCabbage]

I've two dds and both of them have 'best friends' who are boys. That's just the way it has happened.

There are seven classes in each year at our primary. I can't imagine having such a small group of dc to play with.

[WipsGlitter]

Can you have both of them over to play? So all three of them are together at the same time.

[monkeymamma]

LEM do you not remember school at all??!

If there's no chance you can move her you may have to leave the kids to sort this. I imagine at a certain age the girls will actively ignore invectives from their mothers and pick their own bffs. Agree three is shit, but you never know, one of the girls might leave or another arrive. If your dd gets to the point where she's unhappy you need to try and take her to out of school activities where she will meet kids from other schools. My rural primary was tiny but I joined the regional kids orchestra and met a wider group that way, I think this kind of stuff is important for kids anyway, especially in rural settings.

[inmyshoos]

Thanks for all the replies.
Bit embarrasses to say i am slightly scared to call her on it as im not sure i could stand the backlash. I find where i live hard enough and having it out with her will im sure mean she turns it round so it looks like poor her and horrible me for suggesting such a thing.

Wish there was another school nearby but my other dc are happy esp the eldest. Actually i am also happy with the school in general so would hate to move because of this.

Makes me so sad because she is supposed to be my friend.

[tittifilarious]

If I was you, I'd invite both girls over and try not to get into one at a time. What the other mums do is up to them.

Like other posters have said, be open to her having other friends too - boys and girls play really nicely at that age.

[starlight1234]

I would also invite the 2 over..Firstly it sets president doesn't need to be just one invited at a time also you get to see the real dynamics of the 3 girls together.

Can you get your daughter involved in other activities at the weekend?

While girls and boys do gravitate together my Ds has a few friends who are girls and has had play dates with quite a few girls..don't assume they won't get on.

[ProfYaffle]

We live rurally too and, tbh, this kind of thing is why we decided to avoid the really tiny village primaries and go for a large one. At one stage my friend's dd was the only girl in her year!

I'd agree with the advice to invite both the other girls round but also can you investigate something like Brownies or Rainbows to give your dd a circle of friends outside school? This approach could also be beneficial when they get to high school stage as your dd may then know other girls from other feeder schools and have ready made friends for year 7.