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AIBU?

to not accept this "apology"?

65 replies

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 20:59

Short version....DD was given a CRB form on Monday for enrolment on her college course tomorrow. She needs 3 forms of ID and we only have 2. She can use a letter from her college principle as she was there last year so I said that that is the only option. She went off in a right stink having a go at me and saying it was all pointless, they wont do it so she wont get on the course blah blah. I pointed out that very few 17 year olds will have utility bills or full driving licenses and she doesnt have a passport, thats the only option.

So she goes off and rings her dad, slagging me off, which doesnt work as he agreed with me so she yelled at him too and said everyone was having a go at her. More verbal, then she eventually comes back down.

She is asking me several favours to get this sorted tomorrow and I said that I would like an apology first. Wow....not had one like this in ages. Yelling "What for?! I havent done anything wrong etc" and then eventually I get a "kevin the teenager" apology, you know the tone of voice that makes it clear that a) they are not sorry b) they dont think there is anything to apologise for and c) that they think that you should be the one saying sorry not them.

So I told her to come back when she meant it and now she is crying and tantruming in equal measure because I am a total bitch. She said sorry and DID mean it so I am being a cow. Yes, that was the short version, her attitude/tantrum has been on and off all fucking day, the apology thing just happened.

AIBU to not have accepted it? She clearly thinks I am and I daresay ex will say I should have accepted it just to keep the peace, but thats the sort of attitude that means the kids have no respect for him and dont listen to a word he says as he always backs down! Oh and her period is due on Friday.....

Teen + PMT = Mummy on the vino!

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LEMmingaround · 27/08/2014 21:02

She sounds quite stressed about the form. That sort of thing stresses me and I'm 44. Maybe cut her some slack. Starting college will be scary for her.

ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 21:03

YANBU

If you are going to accept 'Kevin' 'apologies' you may as well lie down on the kitchen floor and be walked on properly (take the wine down there with you )

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:07

LEM

This is her second year at college, she is changing courses thats all. She does this everytime that anything doesnt go perfectly for her immediately. If there is a tiny issue that needs resolving then EVERYTHING is shit, EVERYTHING is not worth it, EVERYONE is having a go at her if they dont immediately solve said problem.

I dont like solving her problems, she learns nothing. I prefer to point out how she can solve it herself and support her while doing so (I offered to drive her to the bank to get a statement printed as our printer is out of ink for example), but no, I should do it all, now, for no thanks and a mouthful of verbal!

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ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 21:09

It's a lifeskill to stay calm and gracous when things go wrong LEM

dreamingofsun · 27/08/2014 21:10

you know your daughter. is this bad behaviour, or masking a bit of stress at going to college - new friends/routine/will she be up to it etc etc. if its the latter then i think you should cut her some slack. maybe pointing out that this is why you are doing it and reassuring her that she will be ok

Letthemtalk · 27/08/2014 21:10

When it's something as important as a college application is give in on this one... But then I'm a soft touch. Will you really put her course at risk because she didn't apologise properly???

BigfootFiles · 27/08/2014 21:12

Okay, firstly, it's a DBS form not a CRB form. Secondly she needs 3 documents from a long list of acceptable ones. I'm assuming you have her birth certificate, and that she has a bank account and can therefore can get a statement? That with the letter from the school should be fine. Full list of docs here: oisc.homeoffice.gov.uk/servefile.aspx?docid=348

I'd suggest calmly letting her know that it is fine, it can be sorted out, and that you will help her do that - not letting her stew in her own juices, as really, what does that achieve? She's hardly sitting up there in her room seeing the "error of her ways" - she'll just be festering with resentment towards you. When the emotion has been calmed/taken out of the situation, then is the time to talk to her about how copping the attitude isn't helpful. But right now, standing on a point of principle is counter-productive, imo.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:13

Will you really put her course at risk because she didn't apologise properly???

Her course isnt at risk.. She wanted lifts and me to pay for something tomorrow that I would normally not question but it felt like a piss take after the tirade of abuse I had had. The favours were nothing to do with the course (apart from the lift to the bank which I had already offered and would do anyway because its important, I am not that petty!).

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ArsenicyOldFace · 27/08/2014 21:14

Bogey's not putting the college place at risk Let! Her DD is. All she has to do is be polite and apologise.

I really hate this notion that it is ok to swear and rant and tantrum at Mums and Mums have to swallow it. These same teens don't tend to do it to tutors or employers (or even Dads as much).

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:16

I'd suggest calmly letting her know that it is fine, it can be sorted out, and that you will help her do that - not letting her stew in her own juices

thats the point though, I have done exactly that and still got a face full from her. I went through the list and showed her the bit at the end about the letter and said that if she goes to enrolment tomorrow and asks how to get this letter then that is problem solved. But it wasnt. Because she is determined that they wont give her the letter so she wont get the check and she wont be able to start the course. And that is somehow my fault because I cant click my fingers and produce an up to date passport!

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Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:17

Apologies in advance.

I think this may be a "AIBU?" and to anyone who says yes I am, I will say "NO I bloody am not because....." :o

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VanitasVanitatum · 27/08/2014 21:18

As you say her course isn't at risk and you have told her how to sort it.. Of course you can't reward this behaviour. She needs to learn how to calm herself down from these tantrums and to appreciate people who help her, neither of these things will happen if you do it all for her.

thisonebreath · 27/08/2014 21:23

I don't have teenagers (yet). But, I was this type of teenager. (The shame!). You're doing the right thing. My parents refused to mollycoddle us - which obviously made them awful at the time, but when I left home (aged 19) I realised how self-sufficient they had made me, without me even noticing it!

Spadequeen · 27/08/2014 21:23

Stick to your guns. You wouldn't accept a tantrum from a toddler, and that is how she's behaving

jacks365 · 27/08/2014 21:25

I've got one of the same age who for some unknown reason is in a slightly grumpy mood today so you have my full sympathy oh and have a

Yanbu

annielouisa · 27/08/2014 21:27

What ID does she actually have? I have experience of plenty of tantrumming teens 4 DD and a 14 year old DGD they always convince themselves that every other student signing up for something will have everything done perfectly.

PushedToTheLimit · 27/08/2014 21:32

It doesn't have to be a full driving licence. Does she have a provisional?

MammaTJ · 27/08/2014 21:38

The trouble is, she is an angry teenager, you are a (rightly) angry adult.

She is only going to get angrier and so are you. It will just get worse and something has to happen to break that cycle.

You being the adult will have to be responsible for that.

I am not saying give in by any means. Just find something to break it.

Share some ice cream or something and have a calm chat. That may be enough to do it, only you know your DD. Then she may actually give you that genuine apology!

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 21:38

< misses point >

We found the 3 forms of ID a nightmare too. The blurb we had said 3 forms of ID that included a home address! Impossible for a teenager, I woudl say.

I think we ended up using passport, NI card and prov driving licence.

JustAboveTheDogPan · 27/08/2014 21:45

fwiw big up dad for supporting you, and being shouted at for the effort..#beenthere

Tomorrow is a different day..

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:48

I know AF! Like your average 17 year old has a gas bill less than three months old, even I dont have one as all my bills are paperless!

She doesnt have a provisional no. She has toyed with the idea of getting one but as driving lessons are beyond my pocket at the mo, as is putting her on the insurance, and she is happy to get the bus and have more money for going out there didnt seem any point.

Next stop after college tomorrow will be a photo booth to get her one of this ID card thingies. I am toying with the idea of getting one for myself as I only have a driving license since my passport lapsed.

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TheFairyCaravan · 27/08/2014 21:48

It is a battle I wouldn't have picked, tbh.

She'll be panicking and stressing over the form and IDs, plus the PMT. I'd make her a cuppa and have a calm chat about how it can be sorted. I can be a soft touch though.

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Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:50

Just he doesnt often it has to be said, but I appreciated the fact that he did this time! The problem isnt that he is a PITA but that he has no logic or common sense. So if I said to him I need a bank statement and had no printer ink he would suggest I emailed it my dad who would print it out and then post it to me, taking a good couple of days. I would say "Why dont I just go to the bank?" he would say I was making things more complicated! Its very difficult dealing with someone like that!

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PushedToTheLimit · 27/08/2014 21:51

I struggled with this myself recently. I needed a DBS check done and don't have a passport, driving licence needs to be updated with my new address and I couldn't find my birth certificate. It's a nightmare, but necessary. Made me realise I need to sort out my ID.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 21:54

Thanks for all the replies.

She and I usually get on really well but the downside of that is that I get all the shite when things are not going well. I know she trusts me the most out of all the people in her life and so of course she feels secure at kicking off at me because she knows I will still be there for her. She rarely does it with her Dad because she doesnt have that security with him, having no boundaries doesnt feel safe.

And when she gets like this she really will not be reasoned with. If you point out how to fix something it either wont work or you have just called her an idiot. If you say "Please dont speak to me like that" you are having a go at her. If you shout back (and yes I do!) then you are screaming abuse at her. You really cannot win, not that its about winning but ykwim. If I do nothing I dont care, but whatever I do isnt right or enough.

I like wine though. Wine's nice :)

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