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To want to be on my own at Christmas?

(35 Posts)
periperisun Wed 27-Aug-14 11:50:46

Sorry I know it's early.

Basically have had a bereavement this year. Last member of my family so obviously I will be alone.

But I don't want to spend it with friends and I know they'll offer.

How can I say NO and be polite

MrsDavidBowie Wed 27-Aug-14 11:58:53

Sorry for your loss.

Just say that you appreciate their offer but would prefer yo be alone. Or that you've made other plans.
Its none of their business what you choose to do.

Davsmum Wed 27-Aug-14 11:59:02

Tell anyone who asks you have already accepted an invitation from someone else?... but ideally - just tell the truth, that you want to be alone.

hiddenhome Wed 27-Aug-14 11:59:08

Phone up two days beforehand and tell them you have a stinking flu infection and you can't possibly leave the house or receive any visitors.

Tell them you're going away to stay with kindly friends.

Just tell them that you need to be by yourself.

Sorry for your loss thanks

MrsWinnibago Wed 27-Aug-14 12:11:44

Tell them well in advance. Don't call a few days before as they may then think it best to check up on you. Promise them a phonecall but be firm. I am sorry for your loss and don't blame you at all.

periperisun Wed 27-Aug-14 12:11:46

Thanks. I don't want to lie and besides I don't see why I should - it's just I really don't like the pity invites.

So I guess i'm wondering how to stop people asking in the first place!

squoosh Wed 27-Aug-14 12:22:56

I'm so sorry for your loss and can completely understand why you want to spend the day solo.

Just tell people you've made plans already and the plan is to be alone that day. To be honest though there is no way to stop people asking you to spend the day with them. Look on it as a kind invitation from people who clearly care about you.

periperisun Wed 27-Aug-14 12:25:34

I know it is but I don't want to be in a position where I have to keep saying no thank you. It isn't really kind either, people like to make themselves feel better but it does get really embarrassing after a bit .

BackforGood Wed 27-Aug-14 12:32:20

Sorry for your loss.

Totally up to you, and, until your second post, I was agreeing with everything on the thread.
If you want to be alone, then that's fine, just make it clear.

But there are a lot of people in the world who would offer through kindness or just being a decent human being without wanting to make themselves feel better, and without an ounce of 'pity'. I do think you are being rude about these people.

thegreylady Wed 27-Aug-14 12:33:42

Book to go away somewhere over Christmad.

twinjocks Wed 27-Aug-14 12:34:46

I wouldn't make any decisions one way or the other at this point, with four months still until Christmas. You know that this is how you feel about this right now, but you may have changed your mind entirely in another few months. I would kick for touch if possible, say to those you ask you that you're just not in a place yet where you can think about the holidays. Surely they'll respect that request.

periperisun Wed 27-Aug-14 12:37:27

I used to spend Christmas alone anyway. It's a bit complicated.

People aren't kind. They aren't there on lonely Sundays, they can't be bothered to ask if you're ok, they don't care when it's your birthday but at Christmas they want to feel like the ghost of Christmas present and oh everybody look i'm such a good person inviting this poor pathetic lonely woman round.

Er - NO grin

I don't want to go away I want to spend Christmas in MY home!

MargaretRiver Wed 27-Aug-14 12:37:42

Ouch
Sorry for your loss, But don't take it out on other people, they are genuinely trying to help
No need to be so nasty

periperisun Wed 27-Aug-14 12:39:24

Margaret it's not meant nastily but honestly some people really won't take no for an answer and it's very stressful and embarrassing having to say no all the time.

And it's one day. Like I say - they aren't there any other time. Why should I have to accept an invitation to make them feel and look good?

CheeseToastie123 Wed 27-Aug-14 12:43:31

Sorry for your loss.

I spend Christmases alone, I love it. Year before last I ran away to a shepherd's hut in Cornwall, last year I was at home, and this gear I'm running away to a cabin in the woods. Lovely stuff.

However, you seem to be angry at people who haven't even asked yet - is it really so hard to say 'that's kind, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing my own thing'? I don't want to leap to conclusions, but are you actually angry about something else? Have you been feeling unsupported by friends?

CheeseToastie123 Wed 27-Aug-14 12:44:43

Ah. Cross post.

sunbathe Wed 27-Aug-14 12:44:44

When they ask you, could you say you don't want to think about Christmas just yet, but you'd love to pop round/have them round one Sunday?

Yes peri I understand perfectly. I spend christmas alone. I've done it for four years now. There is no fucking way I want to spend christmas sitting around other people pretending to be happy when inside my heart is broken. I said no to the offers form friends with the reasoning that I couldn't think of anything worse than having to sit smiling at their christmas dinner table when it was a lie. In fact, iirc the first year I kept it secret - if people asked what I was doing I was vague "oh, I'm not sure if I'm getting a turkey crown from waitrose or m&s, what are you doing?" - mostly people don't actually want to hear anyway, they just want to tell you their own stuff.

periperisun Wed 27-Aug-14 12:51:50

Thank you trashcan

I do understand.

The problem is the persistent invites are people you don't know well so it's doubly embarrassing and like I say it's not kind.

When you're fairly young and successful and all that suddenly realising people see you like a charity case is horrible .

Roussette Wed 27-Aug-14 13:01:36

But are they seeing you as a charity case or is that just your perception because of other things?

For all you know, it is just a case of simply knowing you are on your own and being kind.

My family Christmasses are very important to me, I wouldn't just ask anyone to join us unless I really meant it in a very genuine way. If I did ask anyone to come to Christmas here I would hate to think they would be imagining I think they are a charity case and I just do it to make myself feel good.

TalcumPowder Wed 27-Aug-14 13:20:14

Don't lie. Tell them you are planning to spend Christmas by yourself. Repeat as necessary. I can't think how you can pre-emptively refuse invitations that haven't been issued yet, though.

Though I admit people can be very strange about solitary Christmases, though. Years ago, I sometimes spent lovely solo Christmases in a remote house in the west of Ireland, and was fending off invitations from virtual strangers who perceived this as the tragic solitude of a crazed, pathetic loner.

TalcumPowder Wed 27-Aug-14 13:21:15

And I'm sorry for your loss, Roussette.

MargaretRiver Wed 27-Aug-14 13:33:40

Sunbathe's suggestion is a good one

It's entirely fine for you to prefer to be alone, but there's no need to think that people have selfish motives for inviting you
They're probably just thinking about what they would want in similar circumstances, is all

Summerisle1 Wed 27-Aug-14 13:57:39

For all you know, it is just a case of simply knowing you are on your own and being kind.

This ^

My DM loved her own company at Christmas and even more so after her (really rather unpleasant) partner died. She was not at all lonely and had many good friends. She certainly didn't think she was a charity case either but equally, wanted to spend Christmas her way, at home, with the dogs and some very luxurious edibles! She didn't like to lie either so always thanked people for their kind invitations but said she'd already made plans. Which was true.

I'd honestly not assume ulterior motives here, OP but instead recognise that for some people, Christmas is a hospitable time that they wouldn't like anyone to experience alone. Christmas is an emotive occasion which is why people can have difficulty understanding that being alone is not evidence of unhappy solitude but actually a welcome alternative.

Just decline invitations in a non-committal way. But don't necessarily think badly of the people who offered hospitality.

Davsmum Wed 27-Aug-14 14:28:50

If I am learning anything from this thread,..it is:
'do not ask anyone I know who has recently suffered a loss or who will be alone at Christmas, round to my house because they will think I am wanting to look good and I think they are poor and pathetic' !

There must be many people in that position who would love someone to invite them! Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone unless I really wanted them to come.

It is not difficult to say 'No' especially if you think the people asking are doing it for the wrong reasons! and it is certainly not unkind to turn down invitations you do not want to accept.
If people are offended then their intention was never good anyway.

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