AIBU to want to get engaged?!?

(132 Posts)
Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:08:44

My dp & I have been together nearly 5 years (something he pointed out today) and whilst I have no desire to get married any time soon, possibly never, I would love to get engaged. (I sort of see that as basically married just don't want all the fuss of a big day & none of the legal complications if you break up)

we're 22 & 23 have an ASD ds (3) and have definitely had a full 5 years of richer/ poorer, better/ worse, sickness & health and have managed to stick together and work through any difficulties we've had. Must point out we are very happy and have been stable our whole relationship (just outside situations that have been difficult)

So I put the suggestion forward tonight subtlety and he freaked out saying its way to much of a commitment and the thought of it scares him even though he knows I wouldn't be pushing for a wedding. I fully trust him & know we're both in this for the long run but I just want something a bit more official (albeit socially rather than legally) Aibu?

I have to be honest, I find couples who get engaged and never married a bit odd. You get engaged, set a date and get married imo.

Fanjango Tue 26-Aug-14 00:13:39

YANBU. A child is a major commitment, an engagement is just a celebration of that commitment. What does he think is going to happen? I know some men ( and women) can have commitment issues but that's a null and void argument if you have children, he's a committed parent after all. Maybe it's the thought of it. Were his parents married and were they happy. It can have a major baring in how done one perceives marriage.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 26-Aug-14 00:14:56

Getting engaged with no intention of getting married is pretty pointless.

You'd also have people ask when 'the big day' is and have to explain you're not actually getting married.

BeyoncesCat Tue 26-Aug-14 00:15:24

YANBU. a child is the biggest commitment surely?!hmm

AlpacaMyBags Tue 26-Aug-14 00:20:51

You are both being unreasonable. Why would you want to get engaged if you don't actually plan to get married? And why would he be scared of the commitment of marriage when he already has a child with you (unlike a marriage, you can't get out of that one!)

Legally, you have a lot more protection if you're married - it's worth considering for that alone.

PenisesAreNotPink Tue 26-Aug-14 00:22:40

Engagement is in contemplation of marriage - to get engaged without getting married isn't engagement, it's buying a ring.

NoTedInTheBed Tue 26-Aug-14 00:24:24

It always baffles me when people who have children together say they or 1 of them don't want to get married as it's too big a commitment. I mean, what?! Sure, don't get married if you don't want to, there's no law saying that you must. But, seriously, what bigger commitment is there than having a child/ren together? Or is it that one or the other can still walk away without some pesky legalities following them?
Your DP is BU just for that, IMO.
OP, YANBU to want to get engaged if you feel it would cement your relationship and make you happy.

BigPawsBrown Tue 26-Aug-14 00:25:30

Getting engaged with no intention of getting married is like getting pregnant with no intention of having a baby.

Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:26:14

I know my ds is the biggest commitment, not to sound selfish but I want something that is a display of our affections beside the fact that we have a family & I have no issue telling people we'd have no plans of setting a date I know quite a few people in their 40s who are a perfectly happy in this situation

Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:27:08

Wow big paws that was a bit extreme!

Hiphopopotamus Tue 26-Aug-14 00:28:18

What do you think getting engaged is, if no marriage follows? That makes no sense. Getting engaged is saying 'I am ready to be married' Or do you just want the pretty ring hmm

Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:28:50

Fanjango you may have hit the nail on the head there!

LittleBearPad Tue 26-Aug-14 00:29:34

An engagement is what's you do when you plan to get married.

Hiphopopotamus Tue 26-Aug-14 00:29:43

Big paws is not really being that extreme - it's a logical follow on! What do you actually think being engaged means? confused

Sorry OP, you may find this a bit patronizing but...
You're fine to want something. You're fine to be a bit uneasy about your P's reaction. What I think you actually want (and perfectly reasonably) is some sort of official acknowledgment and protection. Is your current home, whether it's bought or rented, in both your names? Have you both made wills or at least informed relatives who should look after your DC if both you and your partner get hit by a bus or fatally explode?

Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:31:21

Hiphopoptamus I want the public display of commitment. I'm not even particularly fond of jewellery grin

BigPawsBrown Tue 26-Aug-14 00:31:54

Yes... I wasn't referring to abortion or anything. Just that being engaged is to being married like, say, going on an aeroplane is to flying. One follows to other. What is means to be engaged is that you have plans to get married. Being engaged with no plans to get married is really strange to me. It's not really being engaged at all, it's just wearing a ring. It symbolises commitment BECAUSE it means you're about to get married. It's not a halfway house between being boyfriend and girlfriend and being married.

Hiphopopotamus Tue 26-Aug-14 00:34:28

But it sounds like you want the display without actually getting married (please correct me if I've interpreted that wrong!)

Surely engagement without marriage is completely meaningless.

LittleBearPad Tue 26-Aug-14 00:35:14

A marriage is a public display of commitment. An engagement is only a commitment because it's an intention it get married.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 26-Aug-14 00:35:51

Being married isn't really that much of a commitment any more anyway.

I was married and had DS. Didn't stop the man I married from dissapearing, starting a new family, denying DS was his and dodging the CSA for 9 years and counting.

If you're committed to each other emotionally and feel safe together then you don't need to acknowledge it socially. Being together and being happy is acknowledgement enough.

smile

Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:36:09

Solid he would be the one unprotected as everything is mostly in my name although I would be financial fucked without him to pay his half, wills are on our current list of things to get sorted (although after that thought they may be at the top if the list in the morning)

Booboosmummy22 Tue 26-Aug-14 00:38:18

Hiphopopomus you've interpreted it exactly how it is. It would mean a lot to be even if the rest of the world sees it as pointless .

Viviennemary Tue 26-Aug-14 00:40:06

It's up to you what you do. But getting engaged is a promise to marry. If you aren't going to get married what's the point of getting engaged. But it depends on what you think being engaged means. I'd be quite nervous of being with somebody for five years and having a child together who then says getting engaged is too much of a commitment. confused

Fanjango Tue 26-Aug-14 00:42:34

So you are after a personal show of commitment to your relationship? I can't see a problem with that. Apart from the legal side, which a lawyer can sort out, there is no need for a marriage. You want the statement of intent, not setting a date etc. smile

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