Horrified to think this could have been a mumsnetter

(33 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

wotoodoo Mon 25-Aug-14 12:29:04

Obviously I don't know and of course it does no good to speculate but given the high numbers of women killed by their dh every week, I can't help wondering whether the 18th August killing of a woman teacher in the news at the moment was the woman we gave advice to who complained her dh strangled her, (also possibly a teacher)whose posts also dried up after 18th August. I don't remember the exact title of the thread but it does seem to me that there have been several threads like this one.

I know it doesn't help anybody with such speculation, just wanted to know if anybody else worries about what happens to some Mners in RL after they have posted some harrowing stuff on here?

todayisnottheday Mon 25-Aug-14 12:32:49

Do you have a link to the article? Speculation is never really healthy but I'd be upset if we found out something like that had happened. I know there has been panic in the past and lovely mners set out to find the poster. They did and she was in difficulties but not a dv situation from memory more mh.

Ledkr Mon 25-Aug-14 12:34:49

Do you have a link to the thread? How horrible.

HeySoulSister Mon 25-Aug-14 12:35:54

That was a 'troll' of sorts I think! Ridiculous situation and not mumsnet AT&T it's best iirc!

HeySoulSister Mon 25-Aug-14 12:36:48

*at!

And that was directed at today post not the op's

DiaDuit Mon 25-Aug-14 12:38:02

No more horrifying than any woman, MNer or not, being killed by her partner.

DiaDuit Mon 25-Aug-14 12:39:44

And statistically quite a few MNers will have been killed by partners.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Mon 25-Aug-14 12:42:31

How does someone's post 'dry up'?

Surely they either stop posting or they name change?

Bifauxnen Mon 25-Aug-14 12:42:37

A terrible tragedy whether she was a MNer or not but this will play on my mind now.
Many cries of ltb are justified imo but don't always acknowledge that that can be the most dangerous time for the woman. Brings home the limitations on the help that people can offer over an anonymous forum no matter how much they want to help. sad

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 25-Aug-14 12:44:39

If everyone put their batman costume on and fired up the reliant every time a mner posted that they were in trouble, the roads would be gridlocked. And most mn interventions end in tears.

And for every genuine case, I bet there are 50 creative writers. Sadly, if mn has done anything for me, it's honed my bullshit monitor.

Obviously it is beyond dreadful if a mner were to have been murdered....but how deeply we get involved is down to us. It's something quite topical and I'm sure something hq are quite concerned about.

StillFrigginRexManningDay Mon 25-Aug-14 12:44:47

I think statistically there have been a lot of MNers killed by their partners, its two women a week iirc. That always catches me, two a week. If it was two men, two gay people, two black people, two people with blue hair that had been killed after a campaign of violence it would be headline news.

Tikimon Mon 25-Aug-14 12:46:12

Well, there are millions of users and the site's been around 10 years or so. The odds are there's a few dead ones on here from something or another.

Maybe that's the creepy thing about the internet. You can still read their posts like they were still alive. It's like a time capsule.

Statistically it's very likely that some MNers have been killed by partners or ex-partners, given the numbers involved. I have occasionally been concerned about particular posters myself - when there's an awful abuse situation and the poster is progressing towards leaving, and then the posts suddenly just stop. But thre'#s nothing we can do. (Mercifully, the one that alarmed me the most in recent years the OP did make it known that she had got away safely.)

HeySoulSister Mon 25-Aug-14 12:50:27

The bread and milk poster got to me... She escaped with help of MN.... Posted a while back as well. This happened years ago

todayisnottheday Mon 25-Aug-14 12:54:28

Soulsister, I think there was a person behind the post and that they needed help but not for what they said, more for mh reasons. The mners were wonderful. I do remember being decidedly uncomfortable with the whole situation though which I haven't felt in other situations where mners have pulled out the stops irl for posters. It all just seemed so dramatic. I don't recall many details now though, it was a long time ago!

StillFrigginRexManningDay Mon 25-Aug-14 12:56:03

I have posted before about how my mother helped and hid fleeing women. I think the best advice for anyone wanting to leave is to gather documents, make a plan, act normal. If an abuser thinks he/she is losing control this is a very dangerous time.

rookiemater Mon 25-Aug-14 13:02:23

That's a really chilling statistic stillfriggin and one I didn't know.

StillFrigginRexManningDay Mon 25-Aug-14 13:25:03

rookie it is very chilling. In a group of 10 women statistically at least one is a victim of DA.

SugarSkully Mon 25-Aug-14 13:26:45

we need to be careful this thread doesn't turn into speculation on past posters.

Whiskwarrior Mon 25-Aug-14 14:17:17

The odds are there's a few dead ones on here from something or another.

Jesus, Tikimon why don't you try and be a bit less sensitive while you're at it?

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 25-Aug-14 15:01:49

Yes, tikimon. And some of them were our friends.

UptheChimney Mon 25-Aug-14 16:26:52

Mercifully, the one that alarmed me the most in recent years the OP did make it known that she had got away safely

Funny how one story will stick in your mind, isn't it? The poster's story I remember was the one about being tricked persuaded into a 3rd child and fearing the same persuasion coercion into having a 4th child. She was asking if not wanting a 4th child was unreasonable. The threads were chilling in her apparently calm acceptance of an abusive husband.

She stopped posting but someone else came into the other place and said she was OK. I hope she still is. From something she said about getting a job, she was a trained professional; I hope not a school teacher given the OP.

If it was two men, two gay people, two black people, two people with blue hair that had been killed after a campaign of violence it would be headline news

^^ This. I've seen it called "gendercide" but if you say that, you get the "what about the menz" response. Well, it's the menz who are doing it, so that's what about them, really.

tinklykeys Mon 25-Aug-14 16:38:40

I find this very hard. There is a poster I am constantly thinking about who suffered horrific abuse but her thread was deleted. Every day I wonder. But I'm glad she and others on here for got the support they did..

Maryz Mon 25-Aug-14 18:39:54

The difficulty here is that this is an anonymous forum, not manned by experts in dv or anything else.

For every extreme situation posted about by a genuine poster, there will be many more that are exaggerated or completely untrue. So what are mn to do? Take every poster at face value and report all possible violent incidents in the hope of "saving" people? That's simply not feasible.

This death is no sadder if she is a mumsnetter; every woman who dies as a result of dv is a tragic statistic to the newspapers, and is a more personal tragedy to her family and friends.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now