To feel this holiday should not go ahead?

(119 Posts)
juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:38:06

My mum is receiving cancer treatment -radiotherapy for cancer. She's recovering from major surgery but is OK for now. Anyway, my brother-in-law and I sat in on the meeting last wednesday (my sister at work). The treatment is scheduled for next few weeks. During the meeting, my brother-in-law piped up with 'we're going on holiday on September' (regarding my sister and him) in quite a firm tone.

My mum is 79 and they live close by. I can of course visit my mum but I know she'd prefer my other sister (brother-in-law's wife) to be around. I don't begrudge this; it's just the way it is.

It's an aggressive cancer. The treatment will be intensive and they have grown up children, are quite wealthy and can go on holiday at some other point.

I don't know -maybe I am being unreasonable but I just think the way he piped up with this in the meeting was quite thoughtless. AIBU? Genuine question.

And I'm thinking, well the sooner she has treatment the better?

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:39:11

Sorry, should add that the treatment will be delayed owing to the holiday.

nancy75 Mon 25-Aug-14 11:40:28

Why will the treatment be delayed?

Seriouslyffs Mon 25-Aug-14 11:42:29

shock
What does your mum think? I don't know whether they should delay the holiday, it very much depends on their circumstances but delaying he treatment is ridiculous.

WaffleWiffle Mon 25-Aug-14 11:43:01

Could you take two weeks off work to look after your Mum at her home while your sister and brother-in-law have their holiday?

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:44:26

It will be delayed as she wants them around During treatment so therefore if they're away it won't start until after they get back.

She is very close to my sister. Like I said, I don't begrudge this.

HeySoulSister Mon 25-Aug-14 11:45:29

So it's your mum who will delay it?

magoria Mon 25-Aug-14 11:45:59

Perhaps your BIL thinks that your sister really needs a bit of a break if your mother is going through all this and she prefers your sister to be there? It must be hard for her being the one there all the time?

KissMyFatArse Mon 25-Aug-14 11:47:44

I don't think they're being unreasonable as sounds like your sister does the lions share of the cover and help at the moment.

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:48:21

Maybe so. I just thought it a bit heartless of him, that's all.

nancy75 Mon 25-Aug-14 11:48:30

If the treatment is going to be long term and your sister is going to be the one doing most of the caring for your mum I can understand why they might want a holiday now, as they might not be able to have one for a long time after. maybe you could stay with/near your mum while they are away so that the treatment can go ahead

WaffleWiffle Mon 25-Aug-14 11:49:12

juditz Can you take time off to look after your Mum for your sisters holiday?

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:49:50

The thing is that he is controlling of my sister and I think that my sister would prefer NOT to go on holiday during this time, anyway. But that's between them I guess. Just think he's a bit of a heartless so and so

kslatts Mon 25-Aug-14 11:49:50

I don't think the treatment should be delayed.

How does your Mum feel about your Sister and BIL going on holiday? If I was your Sister I would probably cancel my holiday, but I know my Mum would try to insist I go.

Boysclothes Mon 25-Aug-14 11:50:16

I think the holiday should go ahead. Who knows what's going on there and your sis and BIL might really need a holiday. I assume it's not a six month RTW trip but a bog standard fortnight? Besides which your mums treatment and subsequent treatments might go on for years.

Your sis needs to tell your mum very firmly that she's having the treatment and she'll be there for her when she gets back. I thinks a bit emotionally manipulative of your mum actually.

LocalVelvet Mon 25-Aug-14 11:50:45

I think that whilst I can understand your worry, if they are all happy with that plan you should leave them to it and not cause any upset which will likely upset your mother.

Maybe visit a couple of times when they are away to keep her company and distracted.

Becca19962014 Mon 25-Aug-14 11:51:34

I think the point is that the mum wants OPs sister to be available and with her during the treatment and not OP (apologies if I've misunderstood OP)

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:52:16

Hey I'm not going to say any of this in real life; just want anonymous opinions. I will be obviiously visiting her when they're gone, but the truth is: my mother thinks my sister is the one she wants around not me. I don't begrudge this fact, but that's the way it is

MrSheen Mon 25-Aug-14 11:54:10

If the holiday is already booked then it's unlikely that they will get their money back due to a 3rd party having hospital appointments.

Your mother is being unreasonable to guilt trip your sister like that.

It's bloody difficult being the go-to person all the bloody time <bitter>

WaffleWiffle Mon 25-Aug-14 11:55:01

You keep saying that you don't begrudge the fact (that your sister does all of the caring of your mother).

Have you considered that sometimes your sister may begrudge the fact that she has to do all the caring?

Bakeoffcakes Mon 25-Aug-14 11:55:01

How long are they away for?

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:55:13

Only 10 days

MajesticWhine Mon 25-Aug-14 11:55:22

Not necessarily heartless. Perhaps he felt he needed to be clear and firm. It's not that easy to change a holiday. I don't think the treatment should be delayed, but I am not sure that should have to change their holiday plans. Could you not persuade your mum to get the treatment started, and arrange plenty of support and care for her for the time they are away.

Bakeoffcakes Mon 25-Aug-14 11:57:11

I agree with Waffle, that our mum shouldn't have cancelled the treatment because her DD is on holiday. It's a bit mean of her not to accept your help too. If she's like this is day to day life, I think your sister should be going off on holiday.

juditz Mon 25-Aug-14 11:57:37

That would be no use, MajesticWhine, the family dynamic is that I am the useless younger sister (in spite of having a professional career and a phD!) I've learnt to accept this but I can't change it. My sister is the one she wants around, not me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now