To check it's not normal to be spoken to like this?

[ToughTimes1]

I feel like I'm going mad sometimes but think I've just had a very uncomfortable lightbulb moment in my marriage.

My DH has just told me to 'F*k off' several times during a minor row, and when I told him it was disgusting to be spoken to like this and I didn't want to be in a marriage like this he said 'You're going to divorce me now you fing bitch? Divorce me then. You're going to take my son off me you Fing bitch? Go on then.' I then went to leave the room and he was in my face, hand on my shoulder, not wanting me to go (with anger, not out of apology), I told him to leave me alone, get his hands off me etc. and as I walked by he pushed me saying something like 'F off, bitch' again. The push wasn't any more than a tap - it isn't right though is it? And as for the language and losing his temper so quickly, I feel he is completely out of control.

Believe it or not, we have a very close, affectionate, stuff in common, laugh a lot relationship, he is a fantastic Dad and always there for me blah blah, but when we row it is horrible. We've had a bad patch recently and I've begun to wonder if he is quite emotionally abusive as he's very 'good' at arguing and I'm often left feeling like I'm to blame when the starting point is he's snapped at me or said something not very nice, etc. etc. Anyway, we were trying to work on things, and I was beginning to accept this 10% unreasonable behaviour, as he was trying to not speak to me badly / lose his temper easily. However I am now upstairs shaking and thinking that it really isn't normal is it? Our arguments never feel healthy, I never feel I get to have my say, and things always seem to get turned around.

Does anyone else's DP speak to them this way whilst still having a good relationship? Or have I had my head up my arse for 7 years?

I haven't posted this in relationships as I really do want to know what is normal - or not, and I guess most people in relationships have been in bad relationships and I want to be given it straight / objectively.

Thanks.

[Doilooklikeatourist]

No , not normal
He's not nice , or a good father if he speaks to you and treats you like that

[bearfrills]

It's not normal at all. Fair enough you have the good bits but the bad bits should never be as you describe. DH and I have our share of arguments but he would never call me a bitch or tell me to fuck off.

[Summerisle1]

It's not normal, no. This sort of controlling and abusive behaviour has no place in a healthy relationship. Every relationship has highs and lows but for sure, there's no patch bad enough to warrant calling your partner a fucking bitch before trying to physically restrain them.

[bearfrills]

Do you want to stay with him or are you thinking of kicking him out?

[AskBasil]

Yes it's absolutely bog standard normal if you live with an abuser.

Sorry.

[googoodolly]

He sounds abusive.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

No it's not normal. DH has never ever spoken to me like that.

It's abusive behaviour OP.

[ErmagerdANerknerm]

I've shouted fuck off a fair few times when having a heated argument with DH over the years, but to shout 'fuck off, bitch' repeatedly and to lay his hands on you - even if just a tap, is wrong. You know it's wrong. The question isn't whether it is normal behaviour or not, it is what are you going to do about it?

[AskBasil]

By the way, the push which wasn't any more than a tap - you're minimising.

That's how physical domestic violence starts. First the pushes, then the "accidental" too hard pushes, "accidental" slaps etc., then five years down the line they don't have to pretend it's accidental anymore, but by then they'll have convinced you it's your fault.

You are living with an abusive man who is on the cusp of upping his abuse levels.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

No, it's not normal. it's also not normal to feel you never get to have your say and that he always manages to turn things around.

He's an abusive arsehole and bad-tempered and foul-mouthed one as well. I'd never tolerate being called a "fucking bitch" by anyone, ever.

[RedRoom]

I can see why you are asking as it's not as black and white as a blanket rule of 'swearing at your partner = leave them'. In some relationships, people swear a lot and call each other names and it works for them. My PIL have been married for over 50 years, adore each other, and call each other fucking idiots and tell each other to bloody well shut up on a daily basis. Baffles me. The difference is that both are okay with it. His words are upsetting you and therefore are absolutely not okay at all. It's abusive if it is language that offends you or upsets you. If you are so upset you are shaking, then he is way out of line.

[ToughTimes1]

Thank you. The part of me with a brain thought it wasn't normal, I don't know how I've become this. I feel like such a dick.

I really don't know what I want. Part of me thinks if we can work on this bad bit, it isn't worth throwing away the 90% good bit. Another part of me thinks I have been a bit brainwashed into thinking like this.

During the recent bad patch i was seriously thinking about us separating, I couldn't believe I was, my brain seemed to switch really suddenly from being in love to starting to imagine life on my own with DS. I think the main motivator was an argument in front of DS (not as bad as this but still wrong and he was out of line, but didn't seem to see it). I realised it so isn't how I want to raise our child, who is 15 months.

Then when we tried to sort things out a bit and though he still didn't seem to think he was in the wrong - he says he loses his temper etc. but that I have to take responsibility for that too..? Anyway after that I started thinking that I couldn't imagine not being with DS for part of the time, or a possible confusing future for DS if we separated, spending part time with him, part with me and all that. Added to that that on the whole I feel (felt?) the relationship was good, I thought we could really work on the bad bit and as long as there weren't rows in front of DS again we could both try harder overall.

Now I'm just in shock but know I really don't want to carry on like this. I don't know if I would even be brave enough to end it though.

[MyrnaLoy]

I'm so sorry because that doesn't sound right to me either.

OP, if we all, or most of us, tell you that we think that's not a normal way of behaving in a loving relationship, what will you do with our answer?

Do you know what it is you want to do?

[Corabell]

It's not normal. Not at all.

[Hurr1cane]

No, not normal. When me and DP row one of us usually leaves, we cool off, then go on like nothing has happened.

We don't usually row about important stuff though. Today it was because we were going somewhere and I said "there, it's there, look it's there" and he drove past it. He told me it pissed him off, I told him not to swear at me, he said, well, it winds me up, I said he winds me up and then we carried on with our day, because in the scheme of things, missing a turning isn't worth a massive fight.

If he'd have called me a bitch I would have left him.

[MyrnaLoy]

I have a partner with a horrible temper. He scared me once and once only (not wth anything directed at me, but it was still bad). I was deeply upset and he got counselling in response.

He's still bad-tempered, but the frightening anger has gone.

But for that to work your husband would need to realise that the problem is his.

Can he? Would he?

[PistolWhipped]

My DP changes entirely, too, when we row (which isn't often). I have only just got to the bottom of why he does it and it is a release valve for the despicable way he is persistently spoken to by his (female) boss on a daily basis. She emasculates him at every opportunity and makes him feel inadequate in what is a very demanding, physically exhausting and poorly-paid job. When we row, he hears her voice and feels her condescension.

OP, do try talking to your husband about the baggage he is carrying around in terms of his temper. There is something very real underpinning his aggressive over-reactions. If he refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of his rages - or do anything to be rid of them - it is time to threaten separation.

[ToughTimes1]

Bold: That's how physical domestic violence starts. First the pushes, then the "accidental" too hard pushes, "accidental" slaps etc., then five years down the line they don't have to pretend it's accidental anymore, but by then they'll have convinced you it's your fault.

I really think I have been brainwashed haven't I? There is always a reason, something to make me doubt myself when I challenge his behaviour. This push has happened two or three times over our seven years, not for several years now. It's always been because of something I've said, or because he hasn't finished, or really wanted me to listen to sort it out and so on. And afterwards although he has apologised, he's actually got annoyed at me, in a 'how dare you suggest this is abuse, that is not what that was, I would never do that' and what a stupid cow I was, to actually think 'yeah, it isn't proper abuse, he's right.' I feel like I've lost myself and the single girl I was before this must be up in arms at my behaviour.

[Corygal]

No, it isn't normal, but you knew that, didn't you.

Does he drink? How often do you fight like this?

[needanew]

shouting and swearing seems normal in a row not the shoving or pushing though .

[RandomMess]

We have had some vile arguements in the long ago past but nope never repeatedly called names like that! May have had a "stop being a bitch" but tbf I was very likely being absolutely horrid at the time.

Big thing is we both apologised and both worked on the triggers etc. both knew it wasn't acceptable!

[EmeraldLion]

If he'd have called me a bitch I would have left him

I feel that's way ott.

I've told dh to fuck off in the past, he's told me to. He called me a spiteful bitch in an argument, after I called him a selfish prick.

As an isolated incident, a bad argument where you call each other names isn't a reason to dump the whole relationship surely?

[Castlemilk]

No it's not normal.

Remember that.

The worst upbringing for your DS, by far, would be as witness to an abusive relationship and to be abused himself. Which he will be, and is right now.

He's only 15 months.

Think hard about what you want to do, but one thing I would actually do right now is call 101 and report the abuse. I would explain that you felt intimidated by his actions and you want to get that on record.

[GlaceDragonflies]

No, it's not normal and he should have more respect for you. What an idiot (trying to be polite....)

[ToughTimes1]

Myrna - I guess I am looking for genuine experiences and opinions and probably for validation that I'm not BU in expecting not to be treated this way. I'm really not sure he would acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong, and can't be excused by the fact that I'm arguing back (the twisting thing / telling me it's my fault for winding him up). I would love him to get some therapy / anger management and I'm glad your DP did. Did it really improve how he dealt with difficulties or issues?

Pistol - Thanks for this and for being so honest, as above I just don't know if he will work on himself, though I would love him to. I'm glad your DH has started to work things out, but I hope you are ok as it's not an easy thing to live with, as there will always be conflict won't there? x

Corygal - No he only drinks now and then, socially, neither of us have drank much since having a baby! We used to fight a lot, every 3 weeks I'd say, in the last two years this dropped to every 2 months, and rows not as bad as this, recently it's been every couple of weeks. Not as bad as tonight, but not 'healthy'