To want to rip ex's head off over his comment to 5yr old DD?

(79 Posts)
iProcrastinate Sun 24-Aug-14 18:49:17

Ok, excuse my fuming-ness - I've had this recounted to me by an upset 5yr old!

ExH and his new GF took DD out for a day, he hasn't seen her in a few months and GF hadn't met DD before, but they wanted to take her for a day to a local attraction. DD was keen to go. This I have no problem with.

Apparently, at some point during the day DD had been playing and another person, innocently, said something along the lines of "you look like you're having a nice day out with mummy and daddy" - DD apparently said "that's not my mummy" and ExH stepped in and said to the person that it was, and later said to DD that his GF was "her other mummy", said that she should call her mummy because she was the same as her mummy.

DD was quiet when they dropped her off which I expected as she would be tired, but later recounted the story to me and got upset, I think she was confused by the whole thing.

My inner tiger mother wants to rip ExH's head, just for confusing and upsetting DD, but I wanted to check first whether I was being silly! AIBU?

myknickersknackersknockers Sun 24-Aug-14 18:51:53

Not being silly at all!! Surely he would just introduce her as her name and that would be what your dd would call her. I would definitely speak to your ex and say dd was confused and upset!

amy83firsttimer Sun 24-Aug-14 18:51:54

YANBU!
Surely GF would only be other mummy if you and her decided to shack up together cos of how useless EXDH is??!!!!

FatewiththeLeadPiping Sun 24-Aug-14 18:52:06

Ridiculous behaviour from him. Idiot.

Have a talk and a hug with her when needed.

roundtoit Sun 24-Aug-14 18:55:28

no you are not being silly , she is not her other mummy and she is not the same as you. Good god you DD has never even met this woman before today.

DD has met her ONCE? And she is 'Mummy' as well? Fuck that shit. He is more unreasonable than most.

LadyLuck10 Sun 24-Aug-14 18:56:10

Yanbu! Ffs it's the first time she met your dd. How very confusing for your dd, just reassure her that she has only one mother. Your ex is an idiot.

SteeleyeSpanx Sun 24-Aug-14 18:56:51

Hmmm, on the face of it YANBU, however, as a step parent myself, one of the hardest things to deal with is when other people think I am DSC's mother.

What exactly is a good thing to say? Saying that they are not mine sounds so offensive to them, but saying nothing is disrespectful to their DMum.

Can I suggest you cut them some slack on this occasion and have A Talk about how to manage situations like this going forward?

Summerisle1 Sun 24-Aug-14 18:57:10

YANBU. I really get very cross when adults who should know better, attempt to force children into this sort of confusing deception. It particularly upsets small children.

furcoatbigknickers Sun 24-Aug-14 18:58:03

Hes a tosser. She will be dd step mum if the move in together. She will never be dds other mummy. She has one and you are all she needs.

tittifilarious Sun 24-Aug-14 18:58:08

In what deluded way can he possibly think that is ok? YANBU

Patrickstarisabadbellend Sun 24-Aug-14 18:58:36

Release the hounds....

I'd be fuming!

iProcrastinate Sun 24-Aug-14 18:59:37

Thanks everyone, I shall unleash the wrath!

DD is going through that phase when she is fiercely defensive of her position as my DD and my position as her mum, which I don't think helped matters, I've had a chat with her and she's settled down, she's quite a level headed little thing (on a good day) so she will bounce back. But ExH might be walking funny for a few days ;)

Itsfab Sun 24-Aug-14 19:02:08

Sod the cutting of slack.

He cared more about a stranger's feelings than his daughter's and more about how he looked than his daughter's feelings and more about his wants than his daughter's feelings.

It really doesn't matter what a stranger calls you, SteeleySpanx. You don't have to say she isn't mine, you just say I am her step mum if you feel you have to say something.

Saying this woman is the same as the woman who gave birth to her and who has looked after her every day since is disrespectful and completely unacceptable. Even if they were too marry she still isn't her mum. What with only ever being able to be born to one woman but if the DD then wants to call her mum, fine, but forcing the issue like this so soon is totally off.

LetticeKnollys Sun 24-Aug-14 19:02:23

From a stepmum: No, YANBU and he is being a massive twat. I am sure he would be livid if you told her that your future partner was her 'other daddy'. Not sure what you should say to him though, because I don't know what he's like and it depends on that a lot to keep things stable/civil for your DD.

Summerisle1 Sun 24-Aug-14 19:03:31

I'm a stepmother too. My DSC have always called me by my name and it never caused any awkwardness nor did it cause problems with my own sons who have always caused DH by his name. Had we forced them all into the artificiality of "Other Mummy & Daddy" I doubt we would ever have become such the close, extended family that we're lucky to be.

Although I do recall a kindly, elderly woman being rather taken aback when my dsd announced "She's not my mother, she's my Wicked Stepmother!". A term that is used fondly in our family, I hasten to add!

Castlemilk Sun 24-Aug-14 19:03:54

'He hasn't seen her in a few months...'

Release the hounds.

And tell him if he wants to alienate his daughter completely, he's going the right way about it... and when he does, events like today will only help ensure that when she decides she doesn't want to bother, you'll be right behind her.

needaholidaynow Sun 24-Aug-14 19:05:26

He is being an idiot.

It's not fair on DD, not fair on you but also not fair on his GF as well to say that.

hoobypickypicky Sun 24-Aug-14 19:11:24

Rip his head off and shove it up his arse.

Then reassure your daughter that she'll only ever have one mummy and that one mummy will never let her down and will always be there for her unlike her tosspotting daddy.

wine

gentlehoney Sun 24-Aug-14 19:11:35

I consider what your child's father said as emotional abuse.

Castlemilk Sun 24-Aug-14 19:13:51

Oh and you might want to point out that nonsense like this is such a stupid move on his part, really. He sees your DD rarely. She lives with you. If you end up in another committed relationship, your DD is going to have a stepfather - a proper, full time, lives with her stepparent. And at that point, the job of making sure the position of her biological father is maintained and respected in her head, in her home, is largely going to be down to you. So way to go, dumbass, for alienating you in this particularly hurtful way. I would think it's now ten times more likely that when/if you meet someone, you're going to end up really not being terribly bothered if your DD starts seeing that person as her 'dad', and are not really going to feel enormous guilt if he ends up marginalised.

Silly way to make sure he shoots himself in the foot - all for half an hour of playing happy families with a woman your DD might not even meet again. Stupid man.

x2boys Sun 24-Aug-14 19:15:14

Yes your ex is being an idiot his girlfriend is just that his girlfriend not your daughters other mummy I wonder how he would feel, don't know if you ha ve a partner but if you do your daughter said it was her other daddy ?! !

Whatisaweekend Sun 24-Aug-14 19:16:30

I would def (in a mild and non-confrontational way) check with the ex if this is indeed what happened.

If yes, frankly, ripping his head off would be going easy on him. If that happened to me, they would be picking him up with a sponge.

Is he usually this much of a colossal jerk?

LiverpoolLou Sun 24-Aug-14 19:20:22

YANBU at all. I feel really cross on your behalf. I've been with my DH for 16 years, married for 13. My 21 year old DD only started referring to him as her dad about 2 years ago.

Cabrinha Sun 24-Aug-14 19:21:26

Of course it's not a difficult situation. I got referred to as my boyfriend's son's mummy in front of him last week. I said "oh he's my boyfriend's son". Job done. Nobody felt disowned or awkward.

OP, I'd be steaming. Your pool girl!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now