To make sure my exdh pays for DD's clothes he ruined.

(30 Posts)
Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 13:31:01

DD came home from spending 2 weeks with her father. I was told that a pair of pjs and a pair of trousers had been ruined in the wash and that they would pay for them.

I get home and discover they are totally trashed, So send a text saying ; i see what you mean, yes, £15 should cover it'

exdh then got cross and said i was two faced and nice tohim in person and sticking the boot in when i got home.

The next day i found a dress that had had the same treatment, He denied it and said if it was a bit stained i was being a snob and she could wear it, even though it was a red dress and is now the colour of purple sludge.

Just unpacked the rest of her clothes and found a fewmore items that have recieved the same treatment, including her favourite monsoon dress. I photographed it and sent it to him and he replied ' ffs there is nothing wrong with any of that'

even though the dress that was once coral is now sludge colour and patchy as hell.

Hes getting all aggressive and shouty atme about it, even though he did it and first offered to pay.

gentlehoney Sat 23-Aug-14 13:34:01

What made him think you were two faced?

ValerieTheVodkaFairy Sat 23-Aug-14 13:35:12

Good grief, what is wrong with his washing machine?

OwlCapone Sat 23-Aug-14 13:35:19

Wash it all with Dylon Colour run Remover because that's what it sounds like it needs.

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 13:37:10

lord knows?

i think its more that hes cross at me because he fucked up.
its a theme thats just continued from when we were married.

When they told me ( him and his wife) they said a stray sock had got in and things werejusta shade darker.
I said ok, they said they would pay for it... all sorted

i got home, the shorts which had been pink and white, were purple and black, the trousers they didnt even send back as they were so bad.

so i text to say, yes, it wasquite bad, and then he blew up at me,

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 13:38:12

i think its too late for that, they had washed it all loads of times, thenwashed it on a reallyhot wash in a last ditch attempt.

Timeforabiscuit Sat 23-Aug-14 13:41:14

If the clothes are fine in his eyes, then he can keep them at his?

micah Sat 23-Aug-14 13:42:53

Just don't send clothes you mind getting ruined or lost.

If he want her to wear something for a special occasion, he can buy it.

gentlehoney Sat 23-Aug-14 13:44:24

I would ignore his complaints and funny ideas because you cant do anything about it if there is no reason, but I think it is a horrible idea to make him pay for the clothes.
Presumably, he pays an equal contribution to your daughter's needs, and so no need for him to replace them, as if he was a stranger. You wouldn't pay him if you did the same thing, would you?
It would be nice if he could take your daughter shopping to buy new things.

Username12345 Sat 23-Aug-14 13:46:15

It's his choice if he doesn't replace them but tell him you wont be sending anymore clothes for him to destroy as you can't afford to keep replacing things. If he wants her to stay he needs to buy her clothes that he can keep at his.

OwlCapone Sat 23-Aug-14 13:46:16

It might be too late. It might not be. It costs £3 compared to whatever the cost of replacing the clothes is.

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 13:47:43

he doesnt really pay an equal amount, no.

He gives me 125 a month, it should be higher, tripple that, but he takes it off me for a joint debt that i saw no takings of, and was forced to sign the paperwork for.

Hes on 38k a year, with a full time earning new wife and no children, i earn 10k.

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 13:50:16

gentle, you are also assuming hes a nice chap, theres no way he would take DD shopping, he never has done, never will do.

The odd thing she did have at his, he got cross with me because she outgrew it too quickly, then sent it back to her to wear all the time, when it didnt fit her anymore.

LadyLuck10 Sat 23-Aug-14 13:56:46

I agree that they should replace everything but all your responses to him came across very pa and not very nice.
Does this happen always? If they did replace it, but bought cheaper clothes would you have a problem with it? I don't think it's something to start a battle over tbh.

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 14:01:44

why were my responsesPA?

i didnt see the clothes, they were very vague about it, then when i saw i let them know, and agreed to them paying for it

might not be worth fightiing over if you have enough money to clothe your child all the time, however, i dont.

Evert penny counts and since dd hasgrown stupidly quickly and is in age 12 - 13 clothes due to her height, and size 4 feet, clothing needs replacing even quicker than normal, i cant keep up.

ILovePud Sat 23-Aug-14 14:03:46

I feel for you it must be infuriating to have lots of her nice clothes returned ruined however the title of your post is about whether you should 'make sure' he pays for the clothes and ultimately you can't. He offered to and hopefully he'll honour that but if he doesn't I don't see what you can do. I'd definitely be sending her over in cheap and dark coloured clothing from now on though.

Nomama Sat 23-Aug-14 14:06:30

Though how the hell "yes I see what you mean, £15 should cover it" is PA I don't see!

Really LadyLuck?

Vintage, try the colour run stuff, you never know. And then leave it up to him and DD, if she wants him to know how upset she is that her favourite dress is ruined she can. You don't have to make it better for her, lie for him, she knows what happened!

If you ever find out how the hell they did that you will come back and tell us, won't you? I can't imagine what would have - well, a new pair of cheap indigo jeans, maybe?

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 14:09:57

they said it was a sock. I think thats bull smile

Unless he pays im not going to send her with anything and he can get his own clothes for her. I shall pre warn him of this.

She wont say to him, they dont have that sort of relationship.

Castlemilk Sat 23-Aug-14 14:14:51

Well maybe this is the impetus you need to take him to CSA. Sounds like it would work better for you if he is forced to pay what he owes without defrauding you for your 'joint' debt. Can you talk to a solicitor about the circumstances of that?

Nomama Sat 23-Aug-14 14:17:33

That's a pity, I suppose she will make the decision not to bother with him soonish then?

Just a thought but have you gone on a charity shop safari? I just took one of our vulnerable kids out on one (at work) she had so much fun, we did budgeting as well. There are loads of frock exchanges springing up all over the place too. They have some really nice things for crazy prices.

You could also buy a sewing machine and learn to make over stuff too. There are loads of online sites for ideas, free patterns etc.

If she gets to find and make/modify her own stuff she might not be as upset over the loss of that Monsoon dress.

Apologies if that was an egg sucking moment smile

Stop sending clothes. You have to. He's a grown person and he can sort clothes, but he doesn't need to as long as you are doing it for him, does he?

I stopped sending the DCs in any clothes that I remotely liked to XHs. They invariably get lost, left at someone's house, or ruined. When DD had a pair of new Clark's boots come back that were chewed up by a dog, that was the last straw. XH earns bit money but DS doesn't have more than one pair of trousers at his house as "Daddy hasn't found any in the charity shop yet". He comes back to me in holey, too small clothes - but that's not up to me to fix.

You have to take a step back.

Bogeyface Sat 23-Aug-14 14:22:14

I agree, claim via the CSA then he cant make deductions as he chooses, then you wont have to worry about this sort of thing so much. Although that said, if he is the kind of ass hole I suspect he is, as soon as he gets the paperwork he will stop paying until they force him to. My ex did this (and still does) so be prepared for that. Its worth it in the long run though.

Bumply Sat 23-Aug-14 14:23:39

I learnt never to send DSs in anything I cared about, be it clothes, toys, books etc. Couldn't guarantee to get them back. Worst thing used to be their one and only winter coat would be left behind at Dad's by mistake and they'd have to freeze in a lighter coat until they're next visit when I hoped and prayed the missing item would return.
Now they only go once in a blue moon, and they take what they're standing up in and nothing else. Did mean DS1 aged 16 coming back in his Dad's clothes once as he'd got wet in a rainstorm and not had time to dry them out.

Vintagecrap Sat 23-Aug-14 14:36:54

ive tried the CSA, nothing happens, he just ignores the letters.
Ive chased the CSA up, again, nothing happens.

The solicitor wouldnt touch it, said it was the banks issue, the bank would discuss it, but only if he would speak to them, he refused to.

we got divorced with no financial settlement, my solicitor said the divorce and financial settlement were two separate things. The divorce happened, and again, he just ignores solicitor letters, time lapses and then legal aid changed and i cant afford to chase it up or do anything about it.

I didnt want to have to send DD in crap things where she feels bad about herself, i was trying to avoid that, but if he cant look after her stuff then ill have to. bit shit really.

needaholidaynow Sat 23-Aug-14 14:37:35

If you ruined them, would it ask for a contribution from him or pay for it all yourself? You are human so a mistake like this could happen to you at some point.

If you would then replace it all yourself from your own money then YANBU. If you would ask him to help pay towards them then YABVU.

Whoever spoils the clothes should replace them really. Or go halves.

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