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AIBU?

Another bloody friend thread - AIBU?

14 replies

bitnonplussed · 23/08/2014 13:26

I get the strong feeling I've been un-invited to my best mates' 50th birthday party. I've known her for a long time.

Now: so as not to drip feed but also not wanting to out myself I'll say why and the explanations I've come up with if it's true.

Months ago she excitedly told me it's going to happen. It's a shared thing with another person whom I know too. Immediately we agreed that of course I'll be there……

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. She was staying at mine as she is regularly ATM. It's a case of mi casa su casa (sp). She went out with the fuckwit she knows is a borderline piss-head but has recently decided she is in a 'proper' relationship with Hmm. I don't mind him although I took exception to him when he became physically aggressive to her last year

I got up around 2am, it was hot. They had come back to mine. All was well (they were both very pissed) until I got up to go back to bed and he makes a really inappropriate remark about my body (in his world I guess he'd see it as a compliment). I left them to it. I know he's an idiot but I'm not the one who wants a relationship with him. She was angry with him about that. Since then, contact between us has diminished.

So on Monday I went to collect something of mine she'd borrowed. I asked her when her do is and suddenly she's all evasive and is planning a low key affair mid week. No mention of the bash. I know it's going ahead. I'm thinking:

A. I ask her again and see what she says.
B. I say nothing (my least favourite option) since it would be a bit passive
C. I assume that somehow she's angry with me for him saying something which was really off after she has decided they are 'together' - and therefore I'm not wanted there
D. I don't know.

If I have been un-invited I'll be really very angry. I support her a lot in many ways, not least listening for 2 years to the complaints about said BF.

How would you play it and AIBU to be imagining this? TY

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redexpat · 23/08/2014 13:34

She is cutting you out rather than the partner by the sounds of it. It sucks. Sorry.

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Ragwort · 23/08/2014 13:35

If you have been 'un-invited' - do you really want to go even if your invitation is re-instated?

You could ask the other person who is having the joint event, but what is the point if your 'friend' is clearly implying that she doesn't want you to go.

Doesn't sound much of a friend to me - I wouldn't want someone like that, with her boyfriend, staying at my house and treating me like that.

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brokenhearted55a · 23/08/2014 13:37

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YouTheCat · 23/08/2014 13:38

Ask the other person if it's still going ahead. If they say it is, confront other friend with the fact and then tell her you'll not be having her and her bf at yours any more.

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bitnonplussed · 23/08/2014 13:46

That's what I thought you'd say and that's what I'm thinking.

No I bloody don't want to go to a party I'm not wanted at. I don't want to 'remind' her. If it were mine I'd be "don't forget next week", or whatever, ensuring my friend was going to be there.

I've tried to think rationally. Yes, we rely on each other at times, but her more than me it has to be said. Yes, I wondered before whether I'm convenient when it suits. If I see other person I intend to ask……but I already know it's confirmed.

It will spell the end of our friendship for me. No doubt in my mind about that.

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LadyLuck10 · 23/08/2014 14:01

I would firstly find out for sure if the party is going ahead and let it go ahead without enquiring more. If you were excluded then I pretty much would cut her out. Do you really need a friend who chooses someone who abused her over her friend who was there for her. Nope.

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Sandthorn · 23/08/2014 15:02

Ummm, I might be wrong, but it sounds like there's been a breakdown of boundaries in the whole set-up. I wouldn't extend an open invitation to anyone, much less an aggressive piss-head, even if he's your friend's boyfriend. Anyway, if I were you, I'd want to establish a bit of healthy distance, and even if your friend has overshot the mark, it might not be the worst thing in the long run.

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bitnonplussed · 23/08/2014 15:44

The invitation wasn't to him - actually I had no idea he was here because they'd been so quiet about coming back - and now I think it's because she knew i'd be a bit Hmm. He went home after I went to bed. He's never been my favourite person precisely because he has no boundaries.

But anyway I think it's pretty academic now. The party is tonight and I've heard nothing. Says it all really.

Thank you all.

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MrsWinnibago · 23/08/2014 18:32

She sounds awful and you will be better off without her.

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PerpendicularVincenzo · 23/08/2014 20:09

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Frontier · 23/08/2014 20:21

So, her BF has told you (and her) that he quite fancies you, or words to that effect?

I suppose it's not surprising she doesn't want you and him at the same party, although from what you've said, it seems outrageous that she's chosen him rather than you but unfortunately that's what women in relationships with terrible men seem to do.

Being completely charitable, could you contact her, tell her you know the party went ahead and that you understand know why you were uninvited but that you hope she had a lovely time and a Happy Birthday. The leave it there so she can come back to you once she's got rid of him?

I know you probably don't feel like doing that but I try not to burn bridges (not always easy or successful)

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Frontier · 23/08/2014 20:22

I agree though that even if she does come back the friendship won't be what it was.

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Laquitar · 23/08/2014 20:55

I would go with b option. I wouldnt fancy going to the party anyway.

The drunken boyfriend, his comnent to you, the friend gets angry with you and un-invite you to her birthday..... all this reminds me being 20yrs old with my roommates and our 'boyfriends'. I couldnt do this now . Maybe you are well rid.
She will probably come to you crying though when he gets drunk and comments on another friend's body. Or when he attacks her again :-(

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bitnonplussed · 24/08/2014 00:17

Perp and Frontier and Laq

I don't know what explanation she could come up with that would be acceptable to me. I've thought that one through and the permutations that would be possible (other than the do didn't go ahead)

He's a dickhead. I know it, she knows it (most of the time) and I have been her friend anyway. He doesn't fancy me at all. He's a drunk and drunks say stupid things. It's her reaction which bothers me, not what he said. And she won't get rid of him.

The bit that bothers me the most is not so much the man and his assholeness it's her reaction which I believe is immature, hurtful and - put together with other behaviours is the proverbial straw.

I have been charitable, many times. But this time I'm not going to be.

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