aibu to ask which was harder? being a SAHP or working?

(182 Posts)
jellybelly701 Fri 22-Aug-14 08:39:26

I've just had yet another argument with DP, he was moaning that it is "disgusting" that has no clean clothes for work. I understand his point he should have clean clothes for work, but at the minute we have no tumble dryer and the washing line is out of use due to fleas from the garden hitching a lift on our lovely clean clothes and biting the crap out of me. so our tiny clothes horse has been mainly full of 9mo DS clothes. Also he just leaves his clothes in the bedroom, I don't know what's clean and what isn't. If he actually put them in the washing machine they might get done more often.

So then he brings up the fact that for the past few days I haven't done much cleaning, I've cleaned the living room and kitchen but I haven't really bothered with upstairs much. We are both quite messy people, him more than me. so what should be a every couple of days/once a week household chores are actually everyday ones. There is ALWAYS some cleaning that needs to be done, I can get the whole house up to MIL visiting standards and by the next day it's like I didn't do a thing.

My daily routine is so tedious and repetitive it is driving me insane. Just once I would like to come down stairs in the morning to a clean living room, to not have to move plates and glasses into the kitchen and take empty drinks bottles into the conservatory before cracking on with cleaning the kitchen hobs and work surfaces. we have a DS so my days are repetitive enough as it is (having food thrown/spat into your face 3x a day anyone?) I don't mind this part of course because I love my son, but what I do not love is cleaning.

I am still very sleep deprived and I have been reduced to tears I'm that tired. The broken sleep in the morning from his fecking alarms doesn't help the situation. I managed to persuade him to only set three last night instead of the usual 100, that just meant that I had to fully wake up at five in order to wake him up, he wouldn't get up, not until 7:30 (I did sleep in short fifteen minute bursts in this time)

DP seems to think that all this is easy, that women seem to manage juggling childcare with housework all the time and have no problem so why can't I? DP does work very hard at his job and I am incredibly grateful that he goes to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I feel that I deserve some appreciation too.

I'm not trying to compete at 'who does the most' I just want to show DP that it's just not as easy as he thinks to be a SAHP

So which did you find harder? Being a SAHP or working FT?

PlumpPartridge Fri 22-Aug-14 08:43:26

A) your dh is a douche.

B) I've done both and they are both hard, but in different ways. I am very glad that I have a dh who feels that housework is at least 50% his responsibility too.

C) millions of posters will be along shortly tp tell you that the situations can't be compared. They are probably right.

SecretSpy Fri 22-Aug-14 08:46:26

They are both hard time.
When you are a SAHP you have lots of time but less money to do stuff and trying to do housework with a toddler is like herding cats.
When you are working you are still busy when you are home but you have had a break from the tedious baby stuff for a few yours and if you both work it's easier to expect to share chores iykwim
That said, he is an adult so he needs to take responsibility for ensuring he washes his own clothes. You may be a mum but you're not his mum grin

Fairylea Fri 22-Aug-14 08:47:41

I've done both. I think both are as difficult as each other in different ways.

It's ridiculous that your dh doesn't seem to appreciate being at home is hard work. Does he ever have ds for the day / overnight so you can go out and he can see what it's like being you for the day? (Give him a list of chores so he doesn't just look after ds).

I'm a sahm at the moment and I do expect dh to not leave plates about. Dirty stuff must go in the dishwasher or in the washing basket. That's only respectful of my job to do the basics on his part.

I do the washing and I hang things in the doorways on hangers at the moment as it means they dry quite well and need less ironing. Could you or dh try that? I tend to think if he's working long hours then house stuff is usually the realm of the sahm or dad but if the baby is up half the night or very demanding then both need to pitch in with chores as the other is "working" more hours.

The last of respect and appreciation is key here.

SecretSpy Fri 22-Aug-14 08:47:44

time = IME
Few yours= few hours
Damn tablet

Erm, if I'm honest, work was much harder. And it was an easy job. I had 2 under 2 and still thought that. They both sleep really well though, so I suspect that's why I find it easy. If I find it easy doesn't really matter though, you don't, so that's what matters. Your DP is being mean

blueVW Fri 22-Aug-14 08:49:10

A) why are you expected to pick up his clothes after him?
B) no idea, I have always worked so I don't have to rely on a twat like your dh
Dh and I share the housework and have a cleaner. We both put our own dirty clothes in the laundry basket
Hope that helps

purplemurple1 Fri 22-Aug-14 08:50:21

Myself and OH have each taken 6months parental leave while the other worked ft. We both feel being at home is harder although mostly because it s quite boring.

It does sound like the constant cleaning is making it harder than it needs to be though.

eltsihT Fri 22-Aug-14 08:51:34

I found my dh much more understanding of what I got done round the house after leaving him alone with our ds for 3 days.

Working ft and staying at home full time are very different

PlumpPartridge Fri 22-Aug-14 08:53:15

Could you afford a cleaner? I think that would improve the quality of your lives tremendously.

If your DH starts in with the 'You shouldn't need one, you should be able to manage fine' rubbish, you have bigger issues with him being a selfish twat.

KoalaDownUnder Fri 22-Aug-14 08:55:02

Both are bloody difficult if you're living with another adult who doesn't pull his weight!

The stay-at-home parent's domestic jobs usually include (from what I've seen) big jobs like: cooking, food shopping, scrubbing bathroom, hoovering. It does NOT mean that the other adult gets to walk around dumping dirty clothes on the floor, wet towels on the bed, leaving kitchen surfaces unwiped, used coffee mugs in the living room...you get the idea.

He needs to start picking up after himself on a daily basis, until it becomes habit. What he's doing now is disrespectful to you, and plain lazy. You're not his live-in domestic.

Also, the alarm thing has to stop. I have lived with men who do this, and it is also selfish and crazy-making. He needs to find a solution that doesn't disturb his partner so much.

jellybelly701 Fri 22-Aug-14 08:56:34

I just wanted to show him other peoples experiences and opinions, as in his mind other women can do all the housework, childcare and work with no problem at all. I would like him to realise that they are both challenging in different ways and people will cope with each one differently.

In my experience, working is harder because I still have to do some domestic things when I get home! Cooking, laundry etc. DH also took 6 months off to look after DD and loved it. When I was at home I would do these things during nap times and generally have a lovely time seeing friends, having coffee etc. Not comparable in my mind to slepping it in on the northern line, working for 10 hours, slepping back etc.
However, it sounds like you could do with getting some help, especially if your LO is not sleeping? Perhaps a cleaner even once a week?
And the clothes rules are - if its in the laundry basket it gets washed.

What do you mean by 100 alarms?

plantsitter Fri 22-Aug-14 08:58:58

I'm a SAHM and for me it's not exactly harder but makes it easier to feel miserable IMO. If I had the choice a again in would not have given up work.

However your problem is not staying at home, it's your DH. I've made it very clear to DH that his clean work clothes are his responsibility. I probably do end up washing them most of the time because I wash in loads not by person but generally I have no idea whether or not he has enough clean pants or shirts because it's not my problem.

You're a stay at home mum and the ''mumming" should be your priority - mothering your child, not your husband, that is.

However I reckon the only way you'll sort this out is by going back to work.

Purpleflamingos Fri 22-Aug-14 08:59:04

Your DH can put his own clothes in a wash basket. Both are equally hard but trying to do housework with young children is hopeless. As soon as I tidy one room there are two more covered in toys and crumbs whilst I've been doing that room.

OwlCapone Fri 22-Aug-14 09:00:03

TBH, your question is not really the question you need to ask. It isn't a case of which is more difficult but one of what he expects you to do compared to what you expect him to do. Plus an understanding of what each other does.

HumphreyCobbler Fri 22-Aug-14 09:00:09

Work was easier than two under two, definitely. I wasn't getting any sleep though. This time, with two in school and one baby it is easier being at home. BUT my DH is supportive and does housework.

Why is your DH leaving all that mess around for you to tidy up in the morning?

weatherall Fri 22-Aug-14 09:02:01

Your problem is that you have an arseholes DP.

I really think you should post over in relationships about the way he treats you.

Are you his slave?

Why does he have no respect for you?

Longdistance Fri 22-Aug-14 09:02:22

I'm a sham, and if dhs clothes are not in the wash basket, they don't get washed. Even my dds who are 3 and nearly 5 put their stuff in the wash basket when I ask them to

So it's your dps fault that his clothes aren't washed, as like dh they are on the bedroom floor, where they shall live until he puts them in the wash basket or washing machine himself. I'm not a washer woman, neither are you. You need to tell him to put it in the basket/machine. I told my dh, but he just puts it in the machine now, and I'm lucky if I see a pair of his socks in the wash basket.

Ive started to look for work, as dd1 starts school in September, and I'll have one lot of nursery fees for dd2. I find it relentless and boring being at home tbh.

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 22-Aug-14 09:02:52

One of the best things about working and having kids in nursery / school is that no people in the house all day = fewer opportunities to make mess

petalunicorn Fri 22-Aug-14 09:03:52

My dh has done a stint of parental leave as well and he also preferred work He was good at being SAHP and always had my dinner waiting smile . For me life with a SAHP was easier than life prekids as all house stuff was done, I just got to play with kids, help with bed and do diy and ironing as he hates that. It was great for our relationship as I was reminded about the annoying things about work too.

I think it's about routine, if you have a good, reliable routine and you're working, life is smooth. If you're on top of things as SAHP then life is ok too. As a sahp you feel a lot of responsibility to do things 'right' whereas good childcare will share that burden with decent food, stimulating activities etc.

In your case it sounds like it's not about SAP/WOH. Anyone should clear up their own mess, you shouldn't have to clear his cups and laundry. My dh used to be messy and I just used to scoop it all up and dump it his side of the bed. It's selfish as our house was small enough that mess equalled no space for kids to play or space to prepare food. He should be putting his washing in a laundry basket. I wouldn't want him putting it straight in the washing machine as I'd want to sort loads. It sounds like you need to get more organised too, could you put washing on hangers to dry and hang it on doors/in shower or something?

Mrsgrumble Fri 22-Aug-14 09:04:03

I think he needs to put he washing in the basket.

Even get one of those lights darks basket.

Then, in no uncertain terms tell him you are not his minder but you will put a way on if he has done the above.

Mrsgrumble Fri 22-Aug-14 09:04:20

Wash on

Sandiacre Fri 22-Aug-14 09:05:48

I think it depends on each personal circumstance.I have done every permutation FT/PT and SAHM.

Being a SAHM was easier for me but that is personal to me and not you. The most enjoyable for me was working PT, having a DH that did some stuff and a cleaner as well. Life of Riley as DH used to joke, that set up lasted 8 years and was great.

Your DH sounds lazy if he is leaving crockery in the living areas and as much as his remarks and the actual situation needs sorting out you also sound very bored. I took a course when I was a SAHM.

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