To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?(278 Posts)
We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the Â£40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.
Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.
We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.
I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.
I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.
He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.
Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!
Well, YANBU. But are you sure they're definitely worth what you think they are?
I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. And he knows it. I call cocklodger.
So money is clearly all you care about. Here is what you spend your money on: mortgage, food, electricity, ALL the bills, petro to go up to see HIS kids, vacations, restaurants. So he does not have to pay to have a roof over his head and food in his belly. Why should he change? With you working overtime, bills are being paid. Think about it.
I bet its not actually worth 100,000's...he is deluding himself, and maybe doesn't want to find out that its actually a load of old junk!
OTOH, he should be furnishing you with details of exactly how much he earns, how much child support he pays and what is left over. Then you can both decide how to budget what you BOTH have.
Of course he should try and sell them. That said, I bet he is in for a nasty shock when he finds out how much they are actually worth.
I agree with mrs TP
Even though the stuff is probably worth a fraction of what he thinks it is, it's the fact that he is willing to contribute absolutely zero to support himself , while owning any kind of salable asset at all
YANBU and his behaviour seems really odd. but perhaps he doesn't want to "liquidate his assets" and spend them because he his dc to keep in with him with the promise of an inheritance.
is this the first time you have tried to assert yourself/discuss a difficult subject matter? if so then your dh might be sensing that you "feel lucky to have him" and therefore thinks he can take the piss.
you will need to value yourself more if you are to be an equal in your marriage as your dh sounds unreasonable and stubborn and if you can't communicate reasonable views without him going into a strop you will end up biting your tongue, not respecting yourself and resenting him.
To be honest I doubt they're worth as much as he says they are either... But even so I think any financial contribution he can make to our life together would ge good.
I've focused on the 'stuff' there, as my first reaction, but that's wrong really. The real issue should be what you said here:
'He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.'
I'm not sure that I can comment usefully on that; it kind of speaks for itself really, doesn't it?
You are getting a glimpse here of what he's really like, and it ain't pretty...
exactly - so how much is left over from his salary after he's paid for child maintenance?
it would mean something if he could just say "I'm sorry I can't contribute more, but here is a tenner for a take-away tonight"
but he doesn't even do that, right?
he is taking the piss
I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially
And he knows it. I call cocklodger
It was my first thought. He's got a good little set up here.
I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially.
He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.
I don't see why you feel lucky if he's willing to leave you over fucking star wars toys. Think about that for a moment. He is willing to leave you. He's willing to leave you over toys that are just sitting in an attic.
Does he feel lucky to have found you? It doesn't sound like it if he's willing to just toss out a 2 year relationship over one argument.
Personally, I'd call his bluff. But if you don't want to do that, stop paying for everything. He's an adult he can pay his own way for things. Generally, the one that's not paying for anything makes up for it in other ways by raising the kids and taking care of the house. Is he taking care of the house for you? Or are you doing all the chores too? He sounds like a freeloader.
I have a FIL who has a coin collection that he could have sold to take care of his wife who needed handicap accessible features in her house. He didn't. They had bedbugs and he refused to sell his coins to get rid of them, and slept somewhere else leaving her to deal with them. In the end she died because of the sheer apathy towards her, and the only thing he saw her for was what she could do for him.
You don't want someone that only sees what you do for them. If he doesn't care about you now, while you're still newly wed and in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, he's not going to.
I'm not sure what the current arrangements are, but under the old CSA rules he'd only have been paying 25% of his take-home pay on child maintenance. Presumably he paid his own rent/bills/transport costs/holidays out of his 75% before he met you, what's he spending it on now?
(Don't let him contribute to the mortgage, btw...)
I'm agreeing with the cocklodger analysis.
Thanks for your replies. I'm glad you all think INBU but it's really worrying that telling him how I felt made him get into such a massive strop and threaten to leave me. We should be able to discuss these things like adults instead of it turning into a huge argument. We've had minor arguments about money before but never this bad.
He does buy some things for us - he brings home bottles of wine which we both drink. Not really good enough I know.
I'd be making it my business to drink my money's worth, but that isn't very helpful...
Bottles of wine hardly makes up for not contributing anything. How did he survive before he met you?
He knows he's got a good deal here. He should want to be contributing OP.
Oh and bringing home a bottle of wine is normal behaviour, it's nice but nothing extraordinary. Nothing that means you can't pay the bills.
He needs to be contributing to the household. He needs to explain where the rest of his wages are going because it is not fair that you are funding his lifestyle.
Unless his mum is a doormat no way would she fund this without any contribution. Plus for for the time he spends with his children.
The flat you bought. Did you purchase this before you married this man child? Is his name on the deeds if he is paying nothing?
OP your DH is lucky to have YOU!!
if it wasn't for you (and to put the most negative spin on it) he would be a sad, skint, middle aged divorcee who lives with him mother!
whereas you are solvent, kind and able to be a great stepmum - ie you are a catch!!
and if you are angry at your dp for you not having dc then you must raise this now as the issue is not going to go.away.
however if you are not desperate to have children you are therefore free from the tyranny of the biological
clock and you should. be aware that you are in a position where you don't need to settle for someone who feels that they are doing you a favour for being with you.
if you quite naturally try and work things through with your dh then you should :
a) let him know (calmly) that you think his stance is U.
b) give him time to ponder it himself (he may have felt he was being forced/put on the spot) and may realise himself that he is BU and also that he has exaggerated the worth of his toys
c) work on your communication skills jointly and consider couples and individual counselling if you feel that you are not being valued by yourself or in your relationship.
RUN as fast as you can. In the opposite direction.
Sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh but he really sounds like he is using you. You support him and he has the nerve to get in an argument with you about selling some stuff. Do not love the way he brings home a treat for you which is something he can drink half of.
Where on earth is the rest of his salary going?!
He got stroppy with you as he knows you're cottoning on to him and basically doesn't want his cushy number rumbled of not having to pay for boring stuff like bills when he can get you to pay them.
If I were you I'd be wanting to go over his bank statements with him.
I've just been doing an inventory and I have never been in a relationship with a good man who has threatened to leave. I have been dumped but always cleanly by the good ones.
I am going to say that IME none of the good men threaten to leave.
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