wibu to refuse to help friend

(19 Posts)
wheresthelight Tue 19-Aug-14 17:11:07

A friend of mine has had issues with her daughter and her school that have resulted in her removing her daughter from school and is now struggling yo get her into another senior school as they are massively over subscribed in our area. She asked me months ago if i would consider doing some tutoring with her dd so she didn't fall too fat behind. I have a background in teaching and have done work with her before to help her as her dd has sen but her primary school refused to statement her and trying to do it here without the schools input is a minefield and backlogged.

We have arranged 2-3 sessions and each time at the last minute friend rings to say her dd has been invited to X,Y/Z and can we reschedule. Each time I say yes no problem as I understand that there are other issues surrounding her dd's confidence etc that is just as important to resolve buy I am getting a little bit miffed at putting in work amd arranging childcare just to find out minutes before she is due here or I am due at hers that it's all been cancelled

Would I be a complete bitch to say actually if you and dd don't see the importance then I am not prepared to keep putting myself out. I font have readily available childcare so end up paying for a babysitter for my dd and having to pay even though I am then cancelling or picking up early.

londonrach Tue 19-Aug-14 17:15:41

Tell her what you've written here about the babysitter etc. if she's a good friend she won't do it again, will possibly pay for babysitter and certainly apologies.

klmnop Tue 19-Aug-14 17:16:42

No I don't think you'd be a bitch, does she realise that you have incurred cost. Appreciate it's sensitive but perhaps you just need to gently flag this to her

wheresthelight Tue 19-Aug-14 17:24:27

Yeah she knows and to be fair she would offer to pay for it of i tell her and is very apologetic. But I am just getting fed up of being messed about.

I know it's not my friends fault and her dd is 14 and stubborn. Her dd has some serious mental issues due to having been abused as a child (friend adopted her when she was 4) and she really struggles to connect with people so I do understand why the being invited to stuff is important but she was thence who was so upset at the thought of falling behind at school

Grrrr am just gonna have to suck it up and bite my tongue aren't i

AbbieHoffmansAfro Tue 19-Aug-14 17:32:03

Grrrr am just gonna have to suck it up and bite my tongue aren't i

No, you really aren't. Tell your friend, don't let this fester. She has been inconsiderate.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 19-Aug-14 18:37:18

It's not being a complete bitch to withdraw the offer if they keep cancelling. It's called being sensible.

wheresthelight Tue 19-Aug-14 19:24:01

I think I will have to lay ot on the line that if she wastes my time once more then I can't continue to help.

LadyLuck10 Tue 19-Aug-14 19:33:54

I don't think you even need to go the route of explaining all this to her. The next time she calls to reschedule just tell her that you've made arrangements and paid for a babysitter. She will probably feel very bad and either make her dd keep to the arrangement or she will get the message that you're not happy.

Purplepoodle Tue 19-Aug-14 19:58:29

Simple just say to her if she cancels again she is going to have to pay for your childminder

wheresthelight Tue 19-Aug-14 20:26:31

She has sent me a text to apologise again so have said that if it happens again then I can't continue to waste my time arranging lessons and childcare just for her dd to cancel at the last minute as it simply isn't fair and she has said she completely understands and agrees.

Just feel really bad as I know how much my friend is desperate to get her dd back on track and she is kind of relying on me.

OwlinaTree Tue 19-Aug-14 20:30:16

Could the friend look after your children while you tutor the daughter?

yellowdinosauragain Tue 19-Aug-14 20:31:43

Excellent suggestion owlinatree. But you're right to to tell her this can't continue.

eddielizzard Tue 19-Aug-14 20:31:52

ok but her relying on you shouldn't be wasting your time. that isn't helping her dd in any way, and it's costing you time and money.

i think you were absolutely right to say it's the last chance. i bet she doesn't fuck it up this time.

Hissy Tue 19-Aug-14 20:34:23

Make her pay for the sessions, up front in a block of 5.

expatinscotland Tue 19-Aug-14 20:38:24

Now walk the walk. It isn't fair on you.

FloatIsRechargedNow Tue 19-Aug-14 21:13:04

Dear where - it's so decent of you to help your friend out and there are loads of people out there with dc with sen that could do with a friend like you. It's such a shame your friend doesn't recognize this but she seems to but is probably overwhelmed by the whole situation, which can't be underestimated in it's devastation for the dc and families that go through this.

Further to your standing firm with any arrangements you make (if it was me you would be the priority but it's not me and I don't know) maybe you can help your friend find some state-provided education. It's a quagmire out there when it comes to sen, parents often feel they can only give up with the state provision, often with good reason, and they don't want to or can't fight anymore. I have that T-shirt (and others).

Still, thanks from me for what you have already done.

Castlemilk Tue 19-Aug-14 21:23:05

'The only way I can do this now is if you can arrange to pay me 2 days in advance for the babysitter. I don't mind helping, I don't mind being as flexible as possible, I don't mind rescheduling, but I'm currently £xx out of pocket because I've paid for childcare in advance and you've cancelled. I'm so sorry and I know things are tough but I simply can't afford to do that again.'

Itsfab Tue 19-Aug-14 21:52:08

Make her pay

Her faux "I understand" means fuck all when you have wasted money.

wheresthelight Tue 19-Aug-14 21:52:10

unfortunately her looking after dd isn't an option as i normally go to their house and if dd was there with me she wouldn't stay with anyone else. she is fine being left with someone but if i am there she will want to be with me - she has only just turned 1 so is still quite clingy.

Float - am already in the process of helping! Have attended several of the school meetings to try and support them both and also act as translator as a lot of the lingo and jargon can be confusing when you are upset and stressed. The whole situation has been an absolute nightmare, it started with her dd being bullied horrifically and the school refusing to do anything and in spite of being driven to school and walked in the door her dd would truant the second she could get out, she had a really nasty accident and broke her leg but it shattered the bone so she ended up having a massive operation to have it all pinned so wasn't allowed to go to school due to health and safety, but the school failed to send any work home or acknowledge my friends emails, calls, turning up on doorstep and asking to see senior staff. A week before she was due to go back to school she slipped over and shattered the other the leg and the whole process started again. During this time the school was put in special measures and the senior staff and governors all sacked so she got lost in the shuffle of all of that and ignored again. Like i say the biggest issue is that she went to a very small primary school - like less than 50 kids - so they could do pretty much 121 with her so didn't see the point in statementing her dd. The parent partnership team are helping her mum apply without the school but because there is no statement her dd is getting zero support and is falling further and further behind. Without the statement a new school won't help

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