To be upset that ds has had no invitations all summer?

(20 Posts)
CeliaFate Tue 19-Aug-14 16:22:05

Ds has been having huge emotional problems this academic year. I've posted before about him. I've been to the g.p., we're having CAMHS involved.

He is very down, negative and upset a lot of the time.

I think he's pushed all his friends away. He hasn't had one invitation this summer. Usually he's invited to tea, sleepovers, parties, to go to the park etc. but this year there has been nothing.

We've invited friends over and he's had outings with mates at our expense and invitation, but nothing reciprocated.

I feel very upset that his friends don't want to bother with him - I can understand it's hard for 11 year olds to sympathise with someone who's miserable a lot of the time, but how do I break the cycle?

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Aug-14 16:23:55

Will he be starting secondary school in September?

If so, that might help. You know, a new group of friends etc.

eyebags63 Tue 19-Aug-14 16:27:55

Could it be the other parents feel they can't 'deal with' your DS, rather than his friends dumping him?

CeliaFate Tue 19-Aug-14 16:29:39

He will be starting a new school, yes. Hopefully that will be a new start. But I have found him hard work this summer, so his friends must do too.
He used to be so popular, now nobody asks him to play.

CeliaFate Tue 19-Aug-14 16:30:58

I don't think the other parents are the issue, but I take your point they may feel unable to put up with it.

His behaviour isn't bad, he's not a nightmare to have round by any means. But he's always moaning, nothing's ever right and he constantly puts himself down.

SallyMcgally Tue 19-Aug-14 16:35:54

It's so hard, isn't it. We have a lot of worries like this with DS1. The summer, I think, is especially difficult as it's so long, and so the isolation seems greater, but it really is the case that so many people are away. Might that be part of the problem? Even DS2 who doesn't have any friendship difficulties hasn't really seen much of anyone (and when he has I've instigated it).

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 19-Aug-14 16:37:05

It is upsetting when your child never gets return invitations. We have had the same problem with DS1, albeit for different reasons - he has Aspergers and is rather socially awkward. I could cry at times, as he is envious of all the invitations to friends' houses that his brother receives, but he is hard work and his friends just want to have fun and play not discuss maths or write code for computer games. YANBU, it is upsetting, though I'm not sure what the answer is. Could you chat to him about how his mood/ attitude affects others' perception of him, lots of reinforcement of how you know how much fun he can be, that he has lots to offer, but he needs to try harder to be positive and make an effort with others.

Curlyweasel Tue 19-Aug-14 16:38:24

Oh thank god for that Sally - was starting to think DD was really unpopular - she has seen so few friends this summer - DP struggling to find things to do with her...

LizzieMint Tue 19-Aug-14 16:44:32

We've hardly seen anyone either, and tbh that's usually the case in the summer holidays. The only ones we've seen this year have been because I've made a huge effort to organise something way in advance. It does sometimes feel like there's a party going on that we're not invited to, but I don't know whether that's the case or just that no one meets up!

BackforGood Tue 19-Aug-14 16:47:33

I think there's an element of him (and all his peers) being another year older there too though.
At 11, I've not been involved in 'inviting dcs friends round in the holidays'. By the time you've had your family holiday and they've been away with Scouts, and you've fitted in the shopping for new uniform / dentist / haircuts / other boring stuff trips, there's not a huge amount of time, and your lucky if the time available coincides with your dcs friends time available too.
My (now 12 yr old) hasn't spent lots of time with friends - they tend to occupy themselves at this age.
So it might be nothing to do with your ds's issues.

BackforGood Tue 19-Aug-14 16:48:00

x posted with Lizzie there! smile

SallyMcgally Tue 19-Aug-14 16:52:13

I've been feeling a bit paranoid too, curly, but Facebook photos from parents have confirmed that people really are away. And then there are visits from grandparents etc . . . And any kids whose parents are separated are even less available as they're spending time with the other parent. I hate the summer holidays! though DS1 at least happily settled into a drama workshop till the end of August, thank god!

spindlyspindler Tue 19-Aug-14 17:25:18

I don't know how things work now, but when I was a kid I honestly didn't see my friends that much during the school hols as people tended to be either away or going on family days out.

Thenapoleonofcrime Tue 19-Aug-14 17:30:39

I can't say either of mine have been deluged with invitations this year, the odd child has been to knock. One child has had one/two and another none! They both normally have a reasonable amount of invites, parties etc.

People are often away in the summer, I don't think it's that unusual not to see school friends that much in the summer unless they live close/you are always around there.

That's not to say that you haven't got anything to be worried about, it does sound a difficult time with your son, just don't over-estimate the extent to which this is a rejection.

MrsWinnibago Tue 19-Aug-14 17:53:51

Don't worry celia from experience I know for a fact that many people can't be bothered or are too busy working!

My DDs are both sociable and quite popular...they've had a grand total of TWO invitations this hols!

I'm not worrying!

Homebirthquestion Tue 19-Aug-14 18:26:12

We've been away, had dm to stay, done uniform shop, had the neighbour over for half an hour and are seeing other neighbours' children. One proper play at our house.

It's been absolute bliss and I've decided to step off the Ferris wheel of play dates. A lovely relaxed holiday. Others are probably doing the same.

deakymom Tue 19-Aug-14 18:26:59

my 14 year old has had literally one person to speak to this holiday and she is not even in her year group she is older than her! her main group of friends seem to treat her as term time only my son on the other hand has had loads..........he is 5 hmm

i shouldn't worry about it unless you live in a village children just don't socialise like they used to

SorryForTheTypos Tue 19-Aug-14 18:38:50

It probably isn't personal. I've just realised we've not had a single child round this summer holiday. We've been on holiday, DC's friends have been on holidays different times and now I'm back at work so they're with a childminder this week. I feel really bad now I've worked that out.

autumnmum Tue 19-Aug-14 18:52:28

Another awful mother here who hasn't asked a single child round to play smile My kids have played out with a few children who live on the same street and they've played with friends we've run into at the park. We've been away, I've been working and quite frankly I am not a huge fan of entertaining other people's kids! DD has been invited to a friend's once and DS has been asked on a playdate later this week, but doesn't want to go. It's probably not personal just lots of parents who really can't be arsed.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 19-Aug-14 19:00:09

Have to say it's been a really quiet summer here too. I haven't seen any kids out in the street, no one knocking on the door constantly and ds1 hasn't asked to go out and knock for anyone either.

We've met up with a couple of friends at the park etc but other than that we haven't invited people over. Yet the holidays have flown by.

Maybe now they are older parents just don't bother to instigate get togethers as much?

I must admit I find having 10 year olds around the house hard work because they are either glued to the computer or moaning that they are bored so I have avoided inviting ds's friends to play

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