To think this is not fucking on

(233 Posts)
SureY Mon 18-Aug-14 14:20:12

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

antimatter Mon 18-Aug-14 14:21:51

no, he is trying to minimize damage by blaming you!

momnipotent Mon 18-Aug-14 14:22:27

YANBU! I would be seriously fucked off too, and, if I had gone as far as you and was giving him a second chance this frankly would be the end of it.

Good luck to you OP!

LadyLuck10 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:23:00

Why are you choosing to accept a cheater ? He's obviously lying to you, and you can do something about it - leave him.
His whole 'chill out' attitude says it all.

Fudgeface123 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:23:03

Agree with PP, he's a dick and it's probably been going on all this time. He's trying to shift the blame on you

Twitterqueen Mon 18-Aug-14 14:24:33

Wow - "no marriage if YOU don't chill out"... That takes the biscuit in terms of dodging all responsibility and making it your fault.
I'm gobsmacked - truly. You're spoiling the holiday?

If he's saying these things to you now, he's clearly not feeling that guilty and obviously has no plans to accede to your wishes..

He's not going to stop- you know that don't you?

Spanglecrab Mon 18-Aug-14 14:25:34

Do you believe no sex? If they can't resist the temptation to email when he knows the marriage is at stake then why would they have managed not to sleep together?

He has gone from begging for one more chance to not giving a shit how you feel. This is because he has no respect for you. Relationships would be a better place to post.

Yanbu at all - how dare he essentially blame you when he is the one in the wrong angry

DrunkenWhore Mon 18-Aug-14 14:26:05

No he's a dick who is trying to minimise the damage he has done to your marriage by blaming you and your reactions. Whether or not you decide to LTB is up to you (I would), but if he's now blaming you for overreacting to him contacting the OW it won't be long before he starts to meet up with her and call it "friendship". He hasn't ended things with her and will continue his affair and at the same time make you think you're overreacting and petty.

antimatter Mon 18-Aug-14 14:26:26

I will have no such idiot in my life as a friend let alone a fiance!

punygod Mon 18-Aug-14 14:26:36

That's an opening gambit text.

Telling him where she is, mentioning good coffee.

Next thing, I fancy a good coffee... Etc etc.

Pinot4me Mon 18-Aug-14 14:26:46

It's definitely not on! He should be moving mountains to keep you happy and regain your trust. If non work related contact is such an issue to him you need to discuss why! Good luck OP - I hope you manage to sort things out.

AtSea1979 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:26:52

What Twitter said

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 18-Aug-14 14:27:49

No contact means no contact. He is completely trying to minimise the whole thing and push the blame on to you. He doesn't care, OP. Especially about your feelings.

MamaLazarou Mon 18-Aug-14 14:28:00

YANBU.

Simplesusan Mon 18-Aug-14 14:28:17

Agree with everything that has been said. Accept this and it will progress to more chit chat. The chats will lengthen., the subject matter will become increasingly intimate, until before you know it they are talking like a pair of love birds.

Either nip it in the bud now as in no contact, under any circumstances.
Or prepare For the affair to start again, if indeed it ever finished.

Your h cannot expect you to tolerate any of this.

YouTheCat Mon 18-Aug-14 14:28:28

He's a dickhead who is probably lying to you anyway.

Get through the holiday and then reassess whether you can be bothered to live with someone you don't trust who shows you little respect.

Fudgeface123 Mon 18-Aug-14 14:28:54

He certainly doesn't care and obviously has zero respect for you

AlpacaYourThings Mon 18-Aug-14 14:29:57

sad that must have been horrible to see, OP.

He should be respecting the ground rules you have laid out, if he can't then there isn't a marriage to save, is there?

LEMmingaround Mon 18-Aug-14 14:30:10

He has and is still fucking her. How DARE he make this your fault. You have no marriage he expects you to put up with continue contact. If you want your self esteem to be trodden into the dirt. Stay with this man

DejaVuAllOverAgain Mon 18-Aug-14 14:31:22

LTB seriously. Why would you want to stay married to someone who has no respect for you and has no intention of ending the affair. Oh, and get an STD check too.

mineofuselessinformation Mon 18-Aug-14 14:31:45

I'm not usually one to start shouting LTB, and I won't here....
But IMO he hasn't stopped communicating with her at all - you just happened to see this set of messages. And sorry, but I was spun the 'no sex' line too....hmm

PossumPoo Mon 18-Aug-14 14:32:09

No sex? YABU to believe that! No contact means just that. I'm sorry OP but I think he's already checked out of your marriage and probably just trying to get through this holiday...

ithoughtofitfirst Mon 18-Aug-14 14:33:42

LTB

AlpacaMyBags Mon 18-Aug-14 14:33:50

YANBU. If you 'have no marriage', it will be because of his affair, not because of your (understandable) lack of trust in him.

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