To find it hard being strong after hubby as a heart attack

(32 Posts)
twitchypalm Mon 18-Aug-14 00:06:41

HI all, This probably isnt the best place to post this but it has high traffic here. my hubby had a massive heart attack 48 hours ago we were minutes from losing him but luckily we have the best cardic unit in the country close to us and we got there in time. he has had one operation and is waiting for another.

Watching my hubby nearly die in front of me scared the living daylights out of me. All people keep saying to me is you need to be strong now. I make sure when i go to visit him every day i am happy for him and dont show him how im really feeling.

However once i get in the car to drive home i breakdown in tears. Ive been cryng myself to sleep at night. last night i slept with the pj top he had been wear as it smelt of him.

AIBU o want people to stop telling me to be strong as its bloody hard.

Haggisfish Mon 18-Aug-14 00:11:43

Of course yanbu. Is there anyone you can offload to-your best friend maybe? Or the hospital chaplain-I imagine they are good at listening! I'm glad he's still with you-modern medicine is amazing. I would maybe say 'actually I'm doing the best I can but it's bloody hard. Please don't say that to me again as I don't find it helpful. It would help me more if you said how well I am doing and offered to make me some dinner'! Or something they could do to help?

Pipsqueak11 Mon 18-Aug-14 00:14:30

So sorry to hear your news . Completely understandable to feel scared - and no yanbu to be fed up of "advice" to be strong . I guess people struggle to find the right thing to say though in such traumatic circs . Hope things get better for you and dh over next few days x

meltedmonterayjack Mon 18-Aug-14 00:16:48

So sorry to hear about your poor DH. I hope he is soon on the mend. It's amazing what can be done with stents, new valves etc. Even my 85 year old dad had a new lease of life after having 4 stents after a serious heart attack.

You must be so shocked. YANBU to not want to be told to be strong right now. All the attention at times like this is focused on the person in hospital, and your needs and feelings often get totally disregarded. Seeing someone go through what your DH has just been through will have knocked you for six mentally and physically and will take some getting over. Is there anyone in RL who could offer you a bit of support and a listening ear?

Be as kind to yourself as possible and make life as easy as you can while you are going back and forward to the hospital. Get as much rest as you can whenever you can. Hugs and best wishes to you both.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 18-Aug-14 00:18:14

Yanbu

Thinking of you and your DH.

How awful poor you, poor dh.

How long will he have to be in for now?. Hope you have someone looking after you aswell.

twitchypalm Mon 18-Aug-14 00:20:11

Thanks for the responses I know people mean well every one has been sending their best wishes to him to get well soon. But all i get is you need ot be strong for him.

I feel like screaming at them hello i was holding his hand as he was dieing in front of me is anyone interested in how im feeling.

One positive is he has just messaged me from his hospital bed asking me to marry him. Sorry about refering to him as hubby earlier we have been together so long its like being husband and wife just never made it offical grin

We have been to hell and back the last 48 hours and have a huge journey ahead of us still with more big operations likely but it has brought home how close we were to losing each other.

ddubsgirl77 Mon 18-Aug-14 00:22:39

Nope I cried myself to sleep when my dh had collasped lung and was minutes from having his heart crushed sad you will find the strength when you need too and you need those around you to support you aswell

antimatter Mon 18-Aug-14 00:29:31

You should cry when you feel sad. Or when scared.
No point bottling your emotions!

"Be strong for him" - is what people say when they run out of words, and that happens often when we re facing sadness and someone being unwell.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 18-Aug-14 00:33:12

YA abso-frickin'-lutely NBU!

I, too, almost lost my DH 2 years ago to acute cardiomyopathy. The doctor basically told me to 'be prepared' as I drove 180 miles at 90+MPH to be with him. He had collapsed in the ER where he had gone after feeling 'bad' whilst camping. I have never been so frightened, cried so hard, nor prayed so hard in my life. Luckily, he pulled through after being given a 15% chance of survival.

You will just naturally be strong for him, as he will be strong for you. You will be able to smile, hold each other's hand, and take care of each other. But the two of you will also share your fears and your tears. After all, it's what we do when we love someone, isn't it?

So you don't have to be always be strong for him or for yourself. You are entitled to cry, fear for him, and seek support. Tell those who say you 'must be strong for him' that you will be strong for each other.

Tikimon Mon 18-Aug-14 00:36:57

Being on the other side, I'm sure he feels like he needs to be strong for you, so you don't worry.

It's ok to worry. You almost lost someone you love. That's not an easy pill to swallow.

twitchypalm Mon 18-Aug-14 07:53:22

Thank you all im back off to the hospital now to spend the day with him going through more tests. The amount of redbull I have going through my body its a good job im not having a blood test as it would be pure redbull. hoping for more positive news today. i just want him home now where he belongs.

Rokenswife Mon 18-Aug-14 08:33:01

My Dad had five by-passes at 47 and it was such a difficult time for us. My poor Mum had just had to put her Mum into a nursing home as she had dementia. Everybody rallied round us (my Dad is self employed and had to shut work for a long time) but I remember my Mum coping really well.
She's usually far too nervous to drive past our local city but somehow she managed to ship us all over to Brighton and back every night for six weeks.
We wouldn't have survived without accepting everybody's help - our car died so one of Dad's friends gave one to us, we had an anonymous cheque through the post to buy us another week's food and my godmother sat up all night with my mum on the night of dad's op.
Accept help and have a good cry if you need to. I hope your DH is ok xx

londonrach Mon 18-Aug-14 08:44:42

Sending you so man hugs and support op. Being the supportive person is not easy. Please talk to a friend in the real world. Ask for help be it someone cooking a dinner, cleaning the kitchen, doing the shopping, driving you to the hospital or just listening to you. Almost losing someone you care about us scary. Not to the same extent but when mum had breast cancer I was there for her and dad (who collapsed and couldn't even visit the hospital) and it wasn't until I went into the breast information centre to get some information that I realised I'd worn myself out. Those lovely ladies held me for 30 mins whilst I cried and listened to me before i put my happy face on to visit mum again. Please talk to someone and start planning a wedding. What a lovely positive thing to come out of this. Xxxx

Preciousbane Mon 18-Aug-14 09:13:18

Congratulations on the marriage proposal

I almost died a few years ago and it was this that made me agree to try for a child and we had DS. You realise what is truly important when faced with that and it crystallises everything.

In your situation which is one of total shock and fear I would ring Samaritans and talk it through with them. I actually think talking to someone who doesn't know you in this first instance more helpful.

Hopefully people will offer help but don't be afraid of asking either.

twitchypalm Mon 18-Aug-14 09:31:07

Thanks for all the messages we are currently sat here waiting for the drs rounds and the ultrasound so we know what is going on.

You certainly find out who your true friends are when something like this happens

meltedmonterayjack Mon 18-Aug-14 09:50:35

Hope you get some more information today twitchy. Did you get any sleep last night?

I know red bull and chocolate etc are the first things you tend to go to to keep you going but if there's any way you can eat slow release, nutritious stuff, it will give you more energy and strength in the long run. If you are too stressed to eat (which I was when my Mum was really ill) then how about Build Up/Complan shakes? You don't have to chew or force stuff down but still get your protein/vitamins.

You might feel you need to talk about the trauma you went through. It's a way of processing and coping the experience. My Mum stopped breathing in front of me in hospital and it was a full crash team and emergency tracheostomy etc. I felt I HAD to keep going over and over it with anyone who would listen. It's just the most shocking thing ever to see your loved one in such a state of extremis.

Try to get a break from sitting with DH. A bit of fresh air or if possible going home for a bit of a lie down. You can so easily wear yourself at this stage and need to pace yourself a bit if you can.

Thinking of you both.

Preciousbane Mon 18-Aug-14 18:55:06

Just so you know I'm thing about you and yours twitchy thanks

Preciousbane Mon 18-Aug-14 21:09:12

That should read thinking, sorry.

nocoolnamesleft Mon 18-Aug-14 22:18:52

Yanbu! You've just had the living crap scared out of you. You believed (with reason) that the worst was happening before your eyes. You're scared, knackered, probably neither sleeping nor eating properly, and every time you close your eyes you're reliving it. Of course you're bloody allowed a wibble!

To be fair, your family and friends are probably saying daft things because they don't know what to say. But not helpful. Give them useful things to do if local - do your washing, or cook you a meal, or drop off some shopping, or clean the bathroom. And you focus on what's important.

Planning your wedding! (Well, something to look forward to may actually help...)

Ludoole Mon 18-Aug-14 23:32:44

I had a hospital bed proposal too. Congratulations!!
Being told to "be strong" is bloody unhelpful...
I hope you have good people around you
to talk to as ive found people have stepped away from me and im pretty much left to deal with my mixed up emotions. Hopefully it will be different for you.

Keep yourself well and I hope your husbands recovery is rapid. thanks

twitchypalm Tue 19-Aug-14 19:09:29

Hi all thanks for the messages of support. I'm glad to say Dh is a home now they are doing the further tests and possible further operation as outpatients.

We are both totally shattered mentally and physically so we havemanaged to upset family by telling them for the nest 48 hours we are shutting ourselves away and having time together to get our heads around what has been happening the last few days. Now to start the long road to recovery.

londonrach Tue 19-Aug-14 19:11:19

Op x you do whatever you want to. Rest rest rest....recover

ICanSeeTheSun Tue 19-Aug-14 19:22:25

Hope you both recover soon.I bet it was a very frightening time and still is.

So when's the wedding :p

WitchWay Tue 19-Aug-14 19:27:26

It sounds like he's getting the best possible care.

I assume you said Yes BTW grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now