Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

To think my BIL is a shit and refuse to go to his wedding. Long - sorry!

47 replies

MrsFunnyFanny · 17/08/2014 15:35

First post...would appreciate some opinions.
Brief history...I've been with DH for 12 years, and in that time, BIL has been with various women. He has 3 kids with 3 different women, and doesn't bother with any of them very much. Whenever he gets into a relationship, he disappears, throws himself into his girlfriend's family and for some reason doesn't bother with his own. On several occasions we haven't heard from him for months on end. It doesn't bother DH, he just says he's a grown man and let him get on with it , but I really feel sorry for MIL who is picked up and dropped, ignored for months at a time, and is generally treated badly by BIL, who's her middle child.
DH is the eldest. They all had a difficult upbringing, violent alcoholic father, mother was victim of DV, and eventually their father left when DH was 16. He had to step up and become 'the man of the house', left school and got a job, paid the bills and paid off his mum's debts etc etc. He has always taken the role of responsibility for his brother and sister, and they tend to look to him whenever the shit hits the fan. Since I met DH, MIL has always said BIL is jealous of him - and he's often been heard to refer to DH as 'golden balls' or similar.
When BIL's last relationship broke up, he came to DH for financial help. He had been left high and dry financially by his partner, who had an affair and then left him, taking their 2 year old son. They had been renting a house, in her name only. We talked about it, and we agreed eventually to buy a house and rent it to BIL, so he had somewhere to start again, and where his children could stay with him. It went as far as me viewing ten or twelve properties, talking to the bank etc. Then all of a sudden, BIL disappeared, didn't answer any calls and was uncontactable. After 6 weeks, he eventually called and said he had met another woman, and would be moving in with her instead. I was just glad we hadn't signed anything, and DH and I just moved on with our lives and thought no more of it.
We barely saw BIL for the next 2 years, just the occasional text message, birthday cards for the kids etc. Then out of nowhere, he called and asked if he and his girlfriend could come and speak to us. In a nutshell, they came and said BIL had got himself into £11.5k of debt, and had gone to one of these debt agencies who advertise on TV. He had to pay them £90, and they went through some legal process to get his debts written off for him. I think it's one step short of declaring bankruptcy. The consequence of this was that he could get no credit anywhere, and could not get a private rental property as he would not pass the credit checks. The tenancy on his girlfriend's house was coming to an end and they wanted to get somewhere together. They basically asked us to buy a house for them to live in, similar to what had been discussed previously with BIL. That would have been one conversation, but they followed it up by saying that they were short of money so wanted us to buy a property and rent it to them for no more than £300 per month. We explained that £300 would not even cover the mortgage we would have to take out, and we would actually be out of pocket, but it didn't seem to register. Their other suggestion was that we take out a mortgage because they couldn't get one, then sign the house over to them at the end for no profit! Talk about high risk - and probably illegal. The conversation was left by DH saying that he would have a think and would see what he could sort out to help BIL, but that it would have to make sense financially for us too, as we have four children to think about, and we want to be able to help them in years to come if they go to uni etc etc.
Yet again things changed, and BIL and his girlfriend were offered a council house, which they took. As soon as they moved in, they phoned and asked us for money to buy carpets and wallpaper "just a few hundred pounds". DH and I talked, and we just feel like they are taking a lend, and only ever bother with us when they want something. We have recently moved house ourselves, and are trying to renovate our house bit by bit. We haven't decorated or carpeted here yet, because we can't afford to do everything in one go, yet here is BIL putting his hand out looking for DH to foot the bill so they can immediately do their house up. I just think he's entitled and selfish. Helping him out when he was in need would have been one thing, and I know DH would never have seen him homeless or desperate, but to expect someone else to fork out for your Laura Ashley wallpaper so you can have it right now is just taking the piss. DH said no, and the next thing we heard, BIL was bad mouthing DH to the rest of the family, calling him a selfish twat, and saying he only thinks of himself. I just can't be bothered any more, and I feel sorry for DH that his brother only contacts him for money, and slags him off when he can't have it. I've made it clear I don't want any more to do with him. He is nasty to poor MIL (who has also 'lent' him money and never seen it again) and I know how he's hurt her over the years with his selfish behaviour.
BIL and DH are still in touch via text. DH is very placid and nothing bothers him. BIL has recently announced that he's getting married to this girl. He has asked his sister's daughter to be flower girl, but not our two girls, who have always loved him, and who he sees as much as his sister's child. It's just a snub to DH and to me, but the only ones who would be upset are my daughters, who would be heartbroken to see their cousin as flower girl, while they weren't included. I have told DH that I will not be going to the wedding, and that neither will our kids. My girls would be really upset at being left out, and I think BIL is an absolute tool for taking out his issues with us on two little girls. He is no closer to his sister's child than he is to our kids - it's a definite snub. MIL is furious and upset, and didn't want to tell me that our girls were being left out. I couldn't give a toss about the whole thing, if it wasn't for the way my kids are being treated. I've said to DH that he must do whatever he wants, and that I won't try to influence him either way, but that I won't go to the wedding or subject our girls to watching from the sidelines (they are 10 and 6). He isn't happy, and I know will try to get me to change my mind. I'm happy for DH to maintain whatever relationship he wants with his brother, but after slagging my husband off while asking him for money, I just don't want anything to do with BIL whatsoever. We haven't been invited to the wedding yet, but we will - they will want a wedding present after all.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

loudarts · 17/08/2014 15:39

YANBU I wouldn't go in your situation.