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For thinking my online bf is being a twat?

(54 Posts)
Thruaglassdarkly Sat 16-Aug-14 03:08:58

I met a guy online in a game, almost a year ago, after having split from my long term partner for almost 3 years. He lives in the US and was lovely. Seemed to be all I ever wanted in a man. But after 4 months, around Feb time, he stopped writing and drifted off. I told him it was ok, I had no interest in someone who wasn't interested in me and suggested that we be just friends, which he happily accepted.
Then in May, after not hearing from him, I sent him a hi, how are you (casual like - he is a lovely friend and I didn't want to lose that friendship), Anyway, he said he'd missed me and not stopped thinking about me. Could we start again etc. So I said yes. And he went full on from that point, wanting me to write a story of our first date, telling me all the things he dreamed of for us....super, super soppy and shit.
And then....true to form, after a couple of months he started to get busy and make excuses as to why he wasn't in touch.
Eventually. he admitted that he wanted to find a local woman for the physical stuff, which I do get in a way, although I find it hurtful that after the closeness we shared the physical becomes more important than anything else.
He was like, If I am not seeing anyone by the time I have time off from work then maybe I'll let you visit me if that's what you really want. And I reacted badly to this, told him he wasn't all that and that I wouldn't bother then if that was how he felt.
Then he freaked out and started accusing me of being cold and distant like his freakish dad who fucked up his whole life. He suggested he was scared of me sad

Ugh....I am shit with men. really shit....

Look, don't have a go at me. OK? I ain't up to that. I feel shit as can be right now. But any constructive comments are welcome. Am I a bitch for reacting to his remarks???

Thruaglassdarkly Sat 16-Aug-14 03:14:43

Bit pissed off and tipsey btw....sorry...will clear any discrepancies up tomorrow...hic, lol

nocoolnamesleft Sat 16-Aug-14 03:15:14

Long distance relationships are hard work (to put it mildly). It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. That's fine if you both want the same...but it sounds like you don't. I think that he's using you as his safe fall back option. And yes, I'd be hacked off too.

Thruaglassdarkly Sat 16-Aug-14 03:19:10

Thanks nocoolnamesleft - I agree. We had this almost perfect thing going on with us, and I got over him once, but he opened it all up again the second time when I just wanted to be friends. He started the whole romance again and now I don't know why he bothered. He said it's our kids who are stopping things. But our kids are 10,8 and 6....not like they are new born!!!
He knew we had them from the off.

ADHDNoodles Sat 16-Aug-14 03:26:28

Well, sex and physical intimacy really are a big part of a relationship. It's hard to establish one with out ever touching each other even in a platonic way.

In anycase, if he's using you as a "just in case" option, I'd drop him.

Thruaglassdarkly Sat 16-Aug-14 03:27:41

I know...I kind of have dropped him...But I still feel so used and fkn hurt sad

SecretWitch Sat 16-Aug-14 03:38:59

It does hurt, doesn't it? You open yourself to someone and they wind up mistreating you. I think this happens more often than people admit. I know I made the mistake of being very open with a man online and he was an arse. It made me very careful and very suspicious of people on the internet. Although, I will admit, OP, I did meet my husband on a chat site, so sometimes, things can work out..

flowers sorry you were hurt..

Tiptops Sat 16-Aug-14 03:47:30

Could be me getting confused here, but have you actually met this person OP? In person, I mean.

Floop Sat 16-Aug-14 04:14:37

I'm sorry you were hurt, but I don't think this man was ever your boyfriend. Just an online friend.

You've never had any idea what he was doing with his time when away from a computer screen.

Being in a long distance relationship is hard enough, but starting one at distance is damn near impossible. Its not unreasonable for this man to want to have a partner who can better fulfil his needs.

daisychain01 Sat 16-Aug-14 05:02:24

We had this almost perfect thing going on with us.

It will always be perfect when it is just words on a screen without the rough and tumble of a real life relationship. People can say all sorts of wonderful things, when they dont have to commit to you, in RL.

Better if you can try to find someone close to home who you can meet up with. Otherwise it will only ever be an illusion.

firesidechat Sat 16-Aug-14 07:53:43

Was this purely an online thing and was there any hope of you meeting him?

I must admit that I'm with the boyfriend on this one. If I got on very well with someone and I was calling him by boyfriend I would definitely want to be able to see him face to face at some point and have a proper relationship. It's not even so much the sex, but the stuff like holding hands, kissing and just being together. Sorry I know that makes me sound like a soppy teenager. blush

Don't you want that too?

Cornettoninja Sat 16-Aug-14 08:17:17

On one hand I think he's torn between getting on really well with you but perhaps thinking, not unhealthily, that he should make more of an effort in the real world. I can see how people might struggle with that conflict. Although he could make the leap and make you part of the real world...

On the other hand he sounds like bloody hard work. He's scared of you and you remind him of his dad who 'fucked his life up' hmm. I'm really not trying to belittle his upbringing, but confiding in someone and seeking support doesn't mean drama queening and emotionally blackmailing. Basically what he's saying is 'what you said made me unhappy therefore you are comparable to the worst person I've ever known. Don't say things that make me unhappy'. Bollocks to that. If you can't be honest with him without concentrating on the subject at hand then that's setting yourself up for a relationship that's really, really hard work and potentially manipulative depending on how he uses it.

I'd cut my losses to be honest.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 16-Aug-14 08:23:37

No excuse for treating you like that, I would let this one go he's messing you about

Vivacia Sat 16-Aug-14 08:25:44

Could be me getting confused here, but have you actually met this person OP? In person, I mean.

I'm not clear on this either, and feel it's pretty important.

Fairylea Sat 16-Aug-14 08:29:02

I feel like you haven't actually met each other.... is that right?

If so I think you're looking at this through rose tinted glasses a bit. If you were local you'd have been on a few dates by now and have sussed out what you think of each other. Online / Skype or phone is not the same thing. He might smell awful or have really annoying habits ! smile

I think you should get rid of him and get back to dating after a break... local this time.

Watch some episodes of catfish and realise what a lucky escape you probably had

MmeMorrible Sat 16-Aug-14 08:39:35

This isn't a relationship OP, just like playing Fantasy Football League isn't being a premier league football manager. You've shared emails, phone calls etc and fantasised within each other about how great that dating each other could be.

But it's not real.

PiperRose Sat 16-Aug-14 08:40:46

OP, how old are you?

Aeroflotgirl Sat 16-Aug-14 08:42:50

Yes all this it's his wedding he can do what he wants nonesense, not when it involves treating somebody like rubbish especially a child. You just cannot do that it's horrid. So therefore it is right dp goes to his ds wedding and both brothers go later on with op. That is right and proper. It would be awful for op and her ds to go in the evening, and for ds to see his little brother there already and wonder why he is not. He is old enough to realise this.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 16-Aug-14 08:43:33

Sorry wrong thread blush

flyingtrue Sat 16-Aug-14 09:46:57

People can be very lovely over text and email, when you don't actually see or speak to someone it's much easier to hide who you really are and your intentions.

At least he was (finally) honest with you OP. Better then the arseholes who always string you along with 'i really want a relationship' when it's actually 'i want a fuck'. Shame he spoilt it by being a complete wanker and turning it around as if there's something wrong with not wanting as he does.

If you want to PM and rant or talk OP, give me a shot- i've seen and done plenty of dating shit and had the pleasure of people like this. It is confusing and upsetting when you think you have a connection and are on the same page. Sadly you aren't on the same page and he sounds like an arsehole so i think you've had a lucky escape.

Thruaglassdarkly Sat 16-Aug-14 09:52:46

Thanks for your replies ladies and yes, I'm old enough to know better than getting into this stupid situation really sad

Not met him, but we'd been making plans. He'd written me a detailed description of how he envisioned our first date - really romantic and lovely, but realistic too, not cliched.

Yes, of course I really wanted the reality and the physical too. I was willing to go see him and he'd said he'd come see me too. I just wanted us to meet once for a few days and to see if this was going anywhere, as it seemed (to both of us, according to him) that it was special. He was keen on this too until a few days ago.

Meh, it's his choice I guess. He knew where I lived when we started this thing and he messed me about before. Just annoyed he's done it twice now. He basically said he couldn't help himself due to our "amazing chemistry" (and it does seem amazing). But I would have been happy to just be friends before, because he is a lovely guy at the end of the day. Just feel messed about is all. And all the weird dad shit pissed me off.

ClashCityRocker Sat 16-Aug-14 09:55:11

The trouble is, it is easy to be a perfect partner on paper (or the computer screen) - and he's even failing at that.

He sounds like a bit of a twunt, on the other hand the physical side of things is an important part of a relationship - not just the sex, but affection, holding hands, a cuddle, just waking up in bed next to someone and I don't think I could deal with a relationship without that.

ScrambledEggAndToast Sat 16-Aug-14 09:55:22

How old are you OP because tbh, you sound about 13, saying you have an online bf. Sorry to sound harsh but it's a bit ridiculous really, don't you want to meet a RL man who lives local to you? This could be a young boy/group of teenage girls or whatever having a laugh at your expense for all you know.

BringMeTea Sat 16-Aug-14 10:01:56

OP sorry you're having a hard time but seriously rethink this. There is a documentary called TallHotBlonde which might be worth a view.

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