Quite a lot of AIBU's in one go. Sorry

(54 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Thu 14-Aug-14 22:51:39

Just had our first counselling session. Big can of worms opened up as expected.
The main issue is, his family really piss me off. They're so bossy and domineering I hate being undermined by them.
If I tell my dh that something's been said or done that annoys me, he sees red and I'm deemed a trouble maker.
The whole session today was him defending his family.
So I have a few questions:
AIBU to ask to be put before his family as his wife? He said he would never do that and that he will never choose.
I asked that he gets involved if I have a concern or a problem with something that's been said or done. He said it's up to me. Is that normal?
He said he'll speak up if he thinks it's something that needs speaking up about but that I'm a bit too over sensitive so won't pull them up on everything. Is he BU?
I've decided if we stay married I won't stay at their house again, it's too much hassle. Is that BU?
Apparently they're treading on egg shells around me now as they think I have some kind of anxiety disorder and they're terrified they'll upset me.
It's driving me nuts!
Hope some of you can help, I can't see how counselling can solve this but I'm giving it another go next week.

WorraLiberty Fri 15-Aug-14 15:45:46

I agree with everything BackforGood has said here.

Also, I think you are relying far too much on your DH to do your speaking for you.

You aren't happy that he won't speak for you and yet you won't speak for yourself either.

The grape thing was out of order but again, you could have been firm with your SIL over it.

It's not easy learning to speak up for yourself, but ultimately it's better than letting things fester and turn into panic attacks etc.

softlysoftly Fri 15-Aug-14 15:52:02

Oh good for you OP, it does sound like your DF has been stirring!

The thing is In Laws (and others tbh) can be irritating, the relationship can be difficult but its your own emotional response to that which dictates how things are going to be.

For example my MIL is a HUGE help to me, I love her to itty bits but my good god can some things wind me up. I have to just decide what is and isn't important. So shoving the DCS mouths full of chocolate the second they cry I hate but let go because I figure its not harmful if they don't get the same message / overfeeding from me the majority of the time.

However the constantly running kettle and rice cooker was on a toddler head height table and my foot came firmly down and I very sweetly said it may be me being fussy but I heard of "x" child who had been burned this way and the DCs just couldn't come over if the kitchen weren't rearranged with heated items on a higher shelf. I had the conversation with MIL, SIL and DH and the kettle and rice cooker were relocated. Problem solved.

However other SIL (BILs wife) took little issues and reacted to the nth degree, never said anything directly, always via BIL, always saw things as a battle to win / a way of offending her and the whole thing snowballed until everything was a drama, PIL started acting the same way and they are barely in contact. I see how torn BIL is between wife and family and how worried MIL is about never seeing his DCs and it was all so avoidable with better communication.

Aim for the happy middle ground most of us inhabit, you may not be best buddies and agree on everything but as with all relationships you forge a way forward that satisfies all parties on the whole with lines in the sand when things are dangerous (eg grapes) Vs irritating e.g snacks / apartment location.

hamptoncourt Fri 15-Aug-14 16:24:57

YANBU.

I would not stay married to a man who wanted me to play second fiddle to his mummy.

Doubtfuldaphne Fri 15-Aug-14 18:07:29

BackforGood its true, I've seen it many times on here too! I've found this all a huge help for me. I was hoping I was BU and I think I generally am! I love mumsnet for this completely unbiased, 'tell it how it is' advice.
HamptonCourt that's put a spanner in the works! haha!
I've told my DF to back off. I'm willing to stop being so sensitive towards the IL's and have to realise they're different to me but then, everyone's different.
I'm going to stay there less just because I would find it easier if there was a bit of distance and I need a break now and then.
If something's done or said (for example SIL telling of my DS without talking to me or dh first or the dreaded grape episode) I am going to have to speak up. I mustn't just react over everything though otherwise I'll still be seen as a PITA.
I still feel DH should speak up on certain things as I have to know he's on my side. He IS terrified of standing up to his sister. I think she's the only one who I'm worried about causing trouble in the future. MIL isnt so bad.
SIL is very authoritative, I think this is mainly because of her job and the fact she has no children and has been divorced. She is this way with her DM and other family aswell though. No one questions it. It's very hurtful when she undermines me. At least we've pinpointed what the problems are!

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