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To secretly wish dh's family weren't coming?

(197 Posts)

We are going abroad in a couple of months to renew our vows as our first wedding isn't a very happy memory. At first it was just me, dh and dd (3), but a surprising number of friends and family wanted to share the day with us. (First reception didn't happen) Which is of course lovely.

Dh's family are being just, well, awkward, and making it into a far bigger deal than it is.

Sil kicked right off that she isn't bridesmaid. (Her dd (2) is though, along with dd and my 2 nieces)

Mil has kicked off that we aren't having a videographer (?)

Bil is offended that we haven't paid for their holiday

Sil still has her dd's bridesmaid dress, that needs to be altered and keeps forgetting to post it or leave it at Mils so I can get it altered.

Dh's aunt and godmother wants to be in the bridal party - doing what I have no idea. Apparently nor does she, anything, as long as she has a role

And sil has apparently phoned my florist and asked for a sample from the flowers so she can match her dress and asked if florist can make her a co-ordinating headpiece. (She is blatantly going to turn up in a bridesmaids dress isn't she?)

And now mil wants me to pay for an extra seat at the meal, so she can have a photo of fil there. (Fil died on the morning of our wedding)


Why is it all turning into such a bloody drama?hmm

MrsDavidBowie Thu 14-Aug-14 21:12:20

Fuck that.
I'd get divorced.

MommyBird Thu 14-Aug-14 21:14:44


Albertatata Thu 14-Aug-14 21:16:28

Sounds like a nightmare - reassess what you are doing. It doesn't sound to me that you are going to enjoy this very much so why bother?

Decide what you want to do and tell everyone else that is what your doing.

Albertatata Thu 14-Aug-14 21:17:14


Albertatata Thu 14-Aug-14 21:17:41

We eloped and it was wonderful, highly recommend

Tinkerball Thu 14-Aug-14 21:18:46

Is there any point, it's hardly going to be the meaningful special occasion you want by the sounds of it. I'm usually one for including family as well!

Fairywhitebear Thu 14-Aug-14 21:18:56

I'd tell them you've changed your mind and you're not doing it now.

Then go abroad just you and DH on your own.

My wedding day was ruined too by inlaws/family. I plan to wear my dress again in a few years and renew our vows. I certainly will not be inviting ANY drama queens lol. Indeed, will probably just do it on our own grin

ShakeYourTailFeathers Thu 14-Aug-14 21:21:24

Sod that. You, DH and your DC. No-one else.

Vitalstatistix Thu 14-Aug-14 21:23:16

good grief.

Is it really worth the hassle?

Is there any way to just cancel the bloody lot and go just the two of you.

What a lot of drama they are creating for a simple vow renewal. they must be driving you crazy.

Babiecakes11 Thu 14-Aug-14 21:24:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 14-Aug-14 21:25:28

Are they the reason why the first occasion is not a happy memory

It's a nightmare.

I can't cancel it, 20+ people have paid a grand each to come, more in some cases.

I keep repeating 'but it's not a wedding, we are already married' but they are all completely ignoring me.

Thing is, I get that they are excited, last time was dreadful all round, but this really isn't what dh and I had in mind when we decided, on impulse, to do it again in the sun, and get some smiley photos to look back on.

I need wine and I haven't got any.sad

littleducks Thu 14-Aug-14 21:30:24

How does your husband feel about it all?

PintOfTea Thu 14-Aug-14 21:30:38

I remember your other thread. Sorry to hear it's going further tits up sad They all seem really over-invested, prob because of the fil association. Is DH trying to diffuse things at all?

Also, how much do you like your DH?-I'd be tempted to remarry syndrome else!!!

PintOfTea Thu 14-Aug-14 21:32:14

someone else, obviously. blush

No, not their fault at all.

We booked a big wedding, fil became ill, we bought it forward (by 18 months) to a quick registry office and after bash at a local hotel but sadly fil deteriorated rapidly and died in the early hours of the morning of the wedding.

Dh promised fil we'd go ahead, but we could only face the official bit, and cancelled the reception.

CarmineRose1978 Thu 14-Aug-14 21:32:38

I remember you posting before, I think, about your FIL dying on the day of the wedding after being ill, and your SIL kicking off because she missed being a bridesmaid then, and so automatically assumed she'd be a bridesmaid this time... That's right, isn't it? YANBU... I second/third the eloping idea. They're going to ruin it by making it all about them. Glad you didn't crumble on letting SIL be a bridesmaid!

CarmineRose1978 Thu 14-Aug-14 21:33:09

Cross post...

Dh is excellent at slapping them down a bit, but he is at work tonight and doesn't yet know that mil wants us to pay 55 euros for an extra place, or that sil wants a sample of the wedding flowers and a matching headpiece.

Thing is, until she turns up in it, what can I say? She might only wear a bolero in that colour and have one flower tucked behind her ear. extremely un fucking likely IMO

RiverTam Thu 14-Aug-14 21:37:56

your DH needs to say to his family, firmly, that this is a renewal of vows, not a wedding, and bar the little ones being bridesmaids, no-one else will have any role to play other than being there to celebrate with you. And if they are not happy with that they are welcome to stay at home. Over and out.

Mrsgrumble Thu 14-Aug-14 21:39:48

Cat thief I remember your other posts

I can't believe (well I can, it happened to me) that family think its all about them

Goldmandra Thu 14-Aug-14 21:39:50

I suppose all the flights, etc are now booked so you can't really pull out and have a quiet service without them.

I know the intention was to have a proper celebration because you couldn't do that last time but, clearly, a lot of emotions related to your FIL's death are resurfacing.

Could you find a different way to acknowledge your FIL that doesn't involve a chair with a photo on, as that is frankly rather weird?

Are you able to ignore your SIL's antics, even if she does turn up as a bridesmaid, and just say no to the aunt being in the bridal party?

It's an awful shame that they can't just allow you to have this day to enjoy without imposing their wishes all over it. YANBU to wish they weren't coming. I would feel exactly the same.

OOAOML Thu 14-Aug-14 21:44:20

If I were an evil mean person I'd suggest your florist gives SIL a sample of flowers that will completely clash with what you'll actually have. Probably not worth the fallout though.

Gold mantra I am so glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's weird!

Sil did it at her wedding, mil thinks we should do the same.

The irony is that fil was the loveliest, kindest, totally not batshit man you could ever meet.

If he was still here none of this would be an issue. Figuratively as well as practically.

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