To offer to be a surrogate for my friend

(61 Posts)
Catzeyess Sat 09-Aug-14 09:38:52

This is hypothetical in the sense it will not be for quite a few years.

A close friend cannot carry a child (but can have a genetic one) she has no sisters or cousins and her mum is too old. When she told me my instinct was to offer immediately but I didn't as felt it would be bad to offer then think about it and withdraw the offer later. As I feel it would be much easier for her to have a close friend who she is comfortable with than a stranger.

Hypothetically I mentioned to my mum I would think about being a surrogate for a friend and she freaked out and basically said don't even concider it (my mum doesn't know this is a potentially real situation)

I've never had a baby and would want one of my own first and assuming that my dh agrees (he would obviously have to be completely comfortable and on board) and I can actually have children am I unreasonable to be concidering this?

I don't want to actually offer unless I am serious as I think this will be really unfair.

Wolfiefan Sat 09-Aug-14 09:40:20

I really wouldn't offer at the moment. Have your own first and then see how you feel.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 09-Aug-14 09:44:08

Yes, what Wolf said.

Roonerspism Sat 09-Aug-14 09:46:39

I agree .

I would love love to do this but although I am otherwise healthy, I'm high risk during labour and I only found this out after DC1.

You might not know how you fare in pregnancy/labour and then have to retract your very kind offer.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 09-Aug-14 09:46:46

Definitely don't offer until you have a child of your own as the experience can change the way you feel dramatically and it would be so unfair on your friend - as you say.

If I were in her situation I think I would prefer a stranger surrogate rather than a friend tbh.

ALittleFaith Sat 09-Aug-14 09:48:24

That is an incredibly generous thing to offer. I think you'd need to do your research into surrogacy. Practicalities of it all, how you'd feel carrying a baby to then give it up and watch your friend raise him or her? There's time to mull it over before she's at the point of needing it.

WildFlowersAttractBees Sat 09-Aug-14 09:50:57

What a big heart you have.

You need to think this over long and hard. Having a baby changes you, it would be so emotional.
On a practical note I am fit and healthy but ended up in HD and critical care after 2 births. Fine with the other one.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 09-Aug-14 09:53:08

I would consider doing it for a stranger but not a friend.

I also wouldn't do it before having a child of my own.

Branleuse Sat 09-Aug-14 09:54:48

no way. not ever.

You dont just lend your womb out because a friend cant have children and then give the child away.
Many people cant have children. She hasnt even asked you anyway.

I think its a pretty horrid concept,

thecageisfull Sat 09-Aug-14 10:05:28

I thought about it for a relative but my last pregnancy was so physically damaging I decided against having another baby of my own and definitely wouldn't have one for someone else. Another cousin did offer after she had a second child but withdrew her offer later which was horrible. The infertile woman in this case can't carry a child due to something that happened during her first birth so it was always on my mind that it was something that I could never do until my own family was complete.

Catzeyess Sat 09-Aug-14 10:06:55

Why not Bran? It wouldn't be my child anyway so I'm not giving it up? And she can have children, just not carry them.

Yes you are all right, it's not fair to offer until I have had my own family. I am about to ttc (which is what actually promtted the conversation as I told my friend and she burst into tears)

I'm interested that people feel it would be easier with a stranger. I feel it would be easier with a friend as you already feel comfortable around each other.

Think I will do some more research but def not offer for now

Pinkrose1 Sat 09-Aug-14 10:08:23

This is a very lovely gesture but I wouldn't say anything until after you have had a baby yourself. The intense feelings you get when pregnant may make you rethink the offer.

Pinkrose1 Sat 09-Aug-14 10:11:11

I think doing it for a friend would be a better situation for you both. Much less likely to get emotionally attached to the baby because you are already emotionally attached to your friend and would not let her down by keeping the baby, or not doing all the right things during the pregnancy.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Sat 09-Aug-14 10:16:02

I don't think it's as simple as thinking well it's not my baby biologically so I could just hand it over. Many women develop a real bond with the baby they are carrying and when you think about it, that's a good thing as it is one of the factors that primes the mother to nurture the baby when it's born. I missed having a baby in my womb after my first was born. I thought I was an utter weirdo until a young work colleague said the same thing years later.

There are women who can be surrogates and all power to them. But you won't know whether you could be one of them until you've had the experience of carrying a baby.

TenMinutesEarly Sat 09-Aug-14 10:19:00

Have your own baby first. You may sail through pregnancy or you find it very difficult. I wouldn't do it. That feeling and mass rush of hormones when you give birth won't go away just because the baby isn't yours.

ALittleFaith Sat 09-Aug-14 10:21:38

I definitely think you need to have your own family first too. I thought I'd love being pregnant (visions of wandering barefoot in floaty dresses) but the reality was an irritable uterus, regular Braxton hicks and lots of oedema! I could do it one more time to have another for myself but I don't know if I could put myself through it a third time for someone else!

naty1 Sat 09-Aug-14 10:30:13

I would probably not do this for someone who already has a child.
Did you read the tread on the downs baby twin left in tailand by boilogical parents. The surrogate wouldnt abort for downs syndrome.
You would need to think about that. What you would do if there was something wrong with the baby?

The womans chances of success with ivf will decline from age 35.

Pregnancy and birth is one of the most dangerous things you can do.

Greyhound Sat 09-Aug-14 10:37:32

Your instinct is right - don't say anything.

Surrogacy is such a huge commitment, emotionally and physically. It doesn't alway work out.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 09-Aug-14 10:48:09

I used to love the idea of surrogacy, before.my own kids. I am now pregnant witb my second and pregnancy is just so tiring and physically hard.

However - I would go through this for a friend. But only a vrry close one and it would need to be entirely their bun. Id just be the oven.

Ive noticed during both my pregnancies that I dont have that much of a bond with my bump. I could handle the emotional involvement. But its a massive physical sacrifice so id only do it for one of my three best friends or my sister.

AlpacaPicnic Sat 09-Aug-14 10:52:43

Also - be prepared for her to reject your offer. It may just feel 'wrong' to her, she may prefer to explore other options, such as someone she is not close to in real life so that its easier to keep the experience impersonal.

Fwiw, I think its a beautiful gift to offer your friend. But prepare yourself for the fact that she may not feel the same way.

Branleuse Sat 09-Aug-14 10:56:18

make sure its not an over inflated sense of needing to please, wanting to be useful or needed. Some martyr complex?

What if your friend and you fall out. What if she then parents in a way you find hard to deal with?

What if you find you cant actually hand the baby over and it kills you inside.

What if giving birth tears you back to front and you dont even have a child for it.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 09-Aug-14 11:01:32

At the moment you are facing your friend's tears and feeling guilty you can have a child but she can't. However, it is far from clear, for all the reasons that people have mentioned that surrogacy is a good option for all concerned. Once you have had your family, and she has had a few more years to think through what she wants to do (she may prefer to adopt, use husband's sperm only, be sad but not have children etc) come back to this option if you still feel you can do it. Don't mention it now, there are reasons very few people use or offer to be surrogates.

todayisnottheday Sat 09-Aug-14 11:07:42

I've often thought about surrogacy after my mum couldn't conceive, she did eventually but the thought stayed with me. I've now completed my own family and the thoughts are back. Ultimately though I think I'm decided. Regardless of the biological parentage I don't think I would be able to relinquish a child totally. I think I would struggle not knowing they were ok on a daily basis (stranger surrogacy) or if they were parented wildly differently to my own parenting style (known surrogacy). Basically that means I'm not suitable to do this. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. I don't think you can really get an inkling about those things until you are a long way down the road with your own. It's a lovely idea but the reality is quite stark. Come back to it later, if you feel the same later then certainly look into it but be prepared for your feelings to change totally once you have your own dc. Don't mention it to your friend until you are certain you would do it if she agreed.

dolicapax Sat 09-Aug-14 11:08:33

Have your own child first and then reassess. I could not under any circumstances have given up dd after she was born. There is a huge emotional, physical and hormonal bond after birth. Some women say they don't feel it, but I did. It was like being hit by a truck. I was completely blindsided.

I toyed with the idea of surrogacy for a family member who suffered repeated miscarriages, also before I had a child myself. I am so glad I didn't offer.

JellyStrawberries Sat 09-Aug-14 11:09:22

As someone who had hyperemesis twice, no I would not consider this. Wait and see what your own pregnancies and birth are like first.

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