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AIBU?

To think this actually isn't ok?

23 replies

LeelaLomax · 08/08/2014 23:41

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place. Just looking for advice...I have a family member I am extremely close to. We are similar ages, get on really really well, have similar interests and are currently living together. Recently, however, it have noticed something which has only just dawned on me is not ok. When this person gets moody or annoyed, or sometimes for no reason at all, they freeze me out. They totally ignore me,or treat me like dirt and won't tell me what I've done wrong. I can literally be having a conversation with them, a laugh, go next door to put the kettle on, and come back to an icy silence and no response for the ret of the evening. It dawned upon me today that if my DP treated my like this, he would have been history a long time ago, so why accept it from family? I think it's because 99% of the time we get on fantastically! and I genuinely adore them. Any advice would be hugely appreciated, AIBU to think I've had enough of this??

OP posts:

Report

lionheart · 08/08/2014 23:47

Do you ask them about it at the time?

ithoughtofitfirst · 08/08/2014 23:47

Call them out on it and make them feel really awkward. Come back into the room dressed as a chicken or something.

queenofthepirates · 08/08/2014 23:52

Big smile and 'oh okay then, I can see you're having a moment. Let's chat again when you're okay' and saunter off. Obviously what they are doing is not okay but they'll only continue as long as they have a reaction from you. If you let it was over, it will soon stop.

AgentZigzag · 08/08/2014 23:54

Definitely not on, what have they said when you've asked them about it?

Have you told them it makes you feel like shit?

Need to know what's behind it too, have they always been like this, do they do it with everyone, how do they start up talking to you again?

DoJo · 08/08/2014 23:57

Is this when they are annoyed with you or just annoyed in general (not that either is ok, but at least if it is something you have done they might be trying to compose themselves and process it rather than starting a row!)?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 08/08/2014 23:58

Has it only started happening since they are living with you?

AgentZigzag · 08/08/2014 23:59

I'm not sure I could do that queen too much of a gob on me I can understand why you're suggesting it, but why should her housemate get to choose when things are OK/not OK?

Especially as they're not letting her in on why she's being punished.

That's pretty weird.

Backing off from confrontation so you don't blow your top is one thing, but freezing someone out when nothing's gone on must make the OP pretty nervous.

LeelaLomax · 09/08/2014 00:09

It usually goes on all day/evening, then the next day they are usually fine!! And as far as I know it's only me, they quite often make a point of calling or Skyping friends in they room REALLY loudly and obviously, and make comments about people who are always there for them, best friends etc etc, which does hurt.
zigzag I think you've hit the nail on the head! it is a case of them choosing when things are ok/not ok, usually for NO reason!! And it does feel like I'm being punished, but I don't know what I've done wrong! If I try to ask or discuss it while the freezing is happening, I get totally ignored, or they leave the room. It's getting to the point where I'm almost tempted to back off from the relationship, painful as it would be, because I can't take the uncertainty of which mood they will be in! Not drip feeding, but I have recently distanced myself from a group of not nice friends who were quite two faced about me without my knowledge, so it hurts more when family treat me like is iykwim? Really at my wits end!!

OP posts:

Squidstirfry · 09/08/2014 00:23

You really need to ask the question "what have i done now?" i couldn't live with a pita like that!

MrsWinnibago · 09/08/2014 00:31

Oh you need to change your living circumstances. WHy are you putting up with this!? It's abusive!

Is it your place? Get them out. No need to live like this. They sound very unstable. Is it a cousin? Sibling? What's the relationship?

AgentZigzag · 09/08/2014 00:33

You say you get on 99% fantastically, are you sure about that? Or could they have made you feel as though you do when in fact they're manipulating you in ways you hadn't thought to be a problem before?

Taken individually you might not notice and think it's maybe part of the give/take of living with someone else, but if you put them together with this tantruming they look a bit different.

I'd probably give them a chance, have a firm pack it in or I'm out chat, (they'll probably try and turn it round into it being your responsibility for 'making' them angry, which is bollocks of course) if they have a problem with you then they can either say it to you as it comes up or don't say anything at all (ie they should leave it rather than freeze you out).

Being family doesn't mean they can treat you like shit and not be pulled up on it.

AgentZigzag · 09/08/2014 00:35

Asking 'what have I done now' suggests the OP is actually doing something and taking responsibility for it squid.

Which she isn't and shouldn't.

BerylStreep · 09/08/2014 00:39

I can only add that this is wrong, you don't need to put up with it.

Can you discuss it when you are 'in the good books' again?

DaintyLaLa · 09/08/2014 00:45

Hi Leela. This person is stonewalling you, a quite effective EA technique. Please think carefully about your relationship with this person.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/08/2014 00:53

It doesn't sound great. And if it were me, I'd definitely have a blunt 'why do you do this' conversation.

But it's not like a partner, is it? You're living with this person, they're family - ultimately, if this is how they respond when they're pissed off, you do have the option to ignore them. I mean, you're entitled to a little more emotional privacy from family than from a partner.

If you talk, and they know they're doing it, and they know you don't like it, all you can really do is decide how you're going to respond. It seems really immature and annoying to me, but if my brother did this, I'd just assume it was how he was. I wouldn't want to live with him, but I also wouldn't feel as entitled to demand he changed his behaviour as I would with a partner.

TamzinGrey · 09/08/2014 01:48

Sounds exactly like my (much adored) older brother. Completely washed my hands of him 10 years ago and I've been so much happier since.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 09/08/2014 01:52

Ok I will admit I do that, it's a coping mechanism. I can't help it but it's I shut down and can't compute what has been said or done. I do it instead of getting angry or having a fight, just literal shut the world out.
I hate myself for it, I try and stop it but I can't. Sometimes it will last days, then my old trates take over, like counting corners millions of times in my head.
How am I stopping it? I can't but started going to countsilling, which I hope in the long term will help. But it turns on like a light switch and goes just the same it just depends on the length of the shut down, but that doesn't seem to relate to hugeness of the issue. It differs every time.

AgentZigzag · 09/08/2014 02:26

You're trying to do something about it Prisoner, half of the problem's solved just by being aware of it

I shut down a bit if I come up against a situation I have difficulty coping with, but the OPs housemate is using as a tecnique to hurt the OP, like when they skype someone and have digs at the OP when she's sat there right in front of them (the cheeky fuck!). Even if the OP knew what she'd done to deserve it, that's a pretty nasty thing to do, and not what you're describing?

fun1nthesun · 09/08/2014 07:51

Sulking/silent treatment. It might be that they do not want to insult you and so are keeping their mouth shut, or it might be that they are trying to punish you with their silence.

Either way, telling them how you feel about the situation when they are calm is the way forward

MammaTJ · 09/08/2014 08:46

My DM used to do this. She would sulk when we were children and tut and sigh. We were meant to guess what we had done 'wrong' them put it right.

I took my DC to stay with her for a few days last year and she tried it then.

I lost my patience a little and said 'Mum, the sulking thing barely worked when I was a teenager, I'm damn sure it won't work now I am in my 40s with children of my own. Give it up, there's a dear'

She hasn't bothered to do it since!

MrsWedgeAntilles · 09/08/2014 09:07

I think you have to bear in mind this is caused by nothing you are doing, this is coming from inside her.
From what you've described I think your relative enjoys the attention she gets from behaving like this. She cuts off her agreeable behaviour to you and you react to get it back because its unpleasant to be subjected to disagreeable behaviour. It puts her squarely in control of your relationship.

What do you think would happen if you just ignored the frosty behaviour? So if she started behaving like that you just drink your tea, put the telly on, phoned your pals, generally just give her no attention.

That might sort it in that kind of reward the good behaviour/ignore the bad thing. However, if you feel she'd get worse, then it is time for you to find somewhere else to live and maybe rethink the relationship.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 09/08/2014 18:57

Ok I will admit I do that, it's a coping mechanism. I can't help it but it's I shut down and can't compute what has been said or done. I do it instead of getting angry or having a fight, just literal shut the world out.
I hate myself for it, I try and stop it but I can't. Sometimes it will last days, then my old trates take over, like counting corners millions of times in my head.
How am I stopping it? I can't but started going to countsilling, which I hope in the long term will help. But it turns on like a light switch and goes just the same it just depends on the length of the shut down, but that doesn't seem to relate to hugeness of the issue. It differs every time.

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AgentZigzag · 09/08/2014 20:21

That's a bit of a lag you've got there with your double post Prisoner

18 hours between them must be a record, surely?

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