To have said no to IL

(63 Posts)
Albertatata Fri 08-Aug-14 08:44:03

Lots of past history PIL are nice people but massive favouritism to SIL and her family (although they do live closer so its easier for them to be involved).

We have no help at all and very rarely ask for help. We are going to wedding this weekend and we asked if PIL would come and look after DC aged 2.9 & 9 months. They agreed, it's MIL birthday so we checked they had nothing planned and they actually offered.

There is a bit of back story and built up feeling of resentment if I'm honest, last time they visited was in Jan (it's a 2hr train journey) they don't return our calls or FaceTime etc but they are amazing and involved grandparents with SIL family. Last time we went to visit (we went in march & June) they basically ignored us and our DC. All quite upsetting

So DH was hopeful for this weekend. They had booked thurs to tues to stay. Anyway in the last 48hrs plans have changed, they are now going back on the Monday, they have arranged to meet an old friend today and tomorrow when I'm bridesmaid at the wedding & it's the first time DC2 (10months) will be put to bed without me or DH PIL have arranged for aunties, uncles, there son & his girlfriend to come round. Nobody even asked the auntie just left a message on my voicemail.

I've said no to extended family coming as wanted them to concentrate on DC for just one day and esp as I'm worried about him going to sleep/staying to sleep (he is breasted & not very good with bottle) and he isn't too sure on who PIL never mind all extended family coming as well - I just didn't feel it was fair on him. I've said they can come on the Sunday instead (at least I will be here then)

Anyway PIL have arrived and its very frosty, MILbasicallynot speaking to us, they came last night and it was so awkward and this morning she has got up and not even said good morning to us! They are off visiting old friends today - rather than seeing their grandchildren. We had booked a birthday meal for MIL but considering cancelling now!

AIBU, maybe I am a bit overly previous but I would like them to spend some time on their own with grand kids. TBH I'm really upset that someone can be so rude to me in my own home - really want just kick them out!

Albertatata Fri 08-Aug-14 08:45:41

Please sorry about all typos and grammatical errors on a cracked iPhone!

Backtobedlam Fri 08-Aug-14 08:50:21

I can understand your frustrations, really I can, but I can also see mil probably thought it was a nice idea to have family round and your dc would get to spend time with lots of them, also making her babysitting easier. If it was just this I guess you might think it's annoying but probably not do anything, however, if you already have a difficult relationship every little think just adds frustration to that. Not sure what you can do though as you need her this weekend, sorry.

eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever Fri 08-Aug-14 08:51:03

I think it was jolly cheeky for them to invite people to your house without checking with you. How odd.

ApocalypseThen Fri 08-Aug-14 08:56:54

Really? They're going to be there for days on end. Is it really that outrageous for your mother in las to see family on her birthday weekend?

cansu Fri 08-Aug-14 08:57:43

I can understand you feel a bit pissed off that she has invited all these people round. I think it would bloody irritate me as well. She is supposed to be doing you a favour and probably would be unimpressed if this was to happen in her own house. Being charitable she probably thought it would make the weekend nicer for her and they would all get to see the baby. It won't affect your baby though you are being a bit precious about that!

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 08-Aug-14 09:01:12

I think its incredibly rude that they've arranged for people to come to your home without mentioning it first but you have to the wedding so for the sake of peace I would let it slide until after and then mention something. Although it's not right they obviously don't have the same time for your DCs as they do for you SILs while its frustrating you need to remember that is their loss

Whilst I can understand your miffiness about guests in your house while you're not there you're cutting your nose off to spite your face, no wonder the atmosphere is frosty.

How did you tell them to uninvite the extended family?

PiL are unlikely to be keen to help you out again in the future.

DaisyFlowerChain Fri 08-Aug-14 09:08:38

So they are doing you a huge favour but you don't want her combining it with seeing other relatives? You're lucky she didn't tell you they were not coming.

Everything sounds a little to much "me me me" as you mention they don't visit enough etc but it works both ways.

Albertatata Fri 08-Aug-14 09:11:29

I was just really worried about DS2 as he wouldn't know any of these people and it is the first time he will be going to sleep without me (& without boob) he is very clingy with me at the best of times. I just wanted them to concentrate on getting them to bed as that is what they agree to do, look after the children. I don't know, maybe it's the straw that broke the camel.

SpicyPear Fri 08-Aug-14 09:13:51

I think it's absolutely outrageous to invite people to your house without discussing it with you. If she'd asked perhaps you could have had a sensible discussion about DC's routine and when would be best for a visit. I can understand her wanting to see her family but if she's there to sit the DC's it should fit around their needs.

I think they would still have taken great care with the children regardless of how many people were there.

I do think you've over reacted and am being unreasonable.

Surfsup1 Fri 08-Aug-14 09:27:43

YABU I'm afraid.
I think you'd have a point if she had invited a whole bunch of people over while you were there and expected you to cater for them etc, but you won't even be there! Why can't she have some family over for her Birthday?
If she has family close by to your house then I would have thought you would have suggested a little get-together so she can still enjoy her Birthday even though she's been kind enough to look after your children.

Albertatata Fri 08-Aug-14 09:34:45

The auntie family is about an 1hr 20 mins drive from our house. I have absolutely no problem if she wants to celebrate her birthday, she can do that in anyway she wants but the fact of the matter is that she offered to come and stay at our house and look after our children. We would of got someone else to help if we knew they didn't want to do that. I just thought my children needs would come first this weekend.

Sick of her not speaking to me in my own home. Just want them to go.

How did you phrase your request that they postpone the visitors?

Albertatata Fri 08-Aug-14 09:39:45

Not sure DH did that, I have a feeling he didn't handle it very well

ZenNudist Fri 08-Aug-14 09:40:28

Yabu. You do say resentment has built up - which is probably why you over reacted. Is it too late to apologise and change plans so she can see family?

Babies really don't require that much looking after. It just seems like it to you as you're a first time mum.

Worst case scenario your dd would be really unsettled and they'd have to cope with it whilst seeing visitors. It'd be fine and not your problem. It wouldn't affect your dd adversely.

ApocalypseThen Fri 08-Aug-14 09:43:49

Its's hard to know how to phrase the request to mind your children over a few days but definitely don't feel at home diplomatically, in reality.

Cerisier Fri 08-Aug-14 09:48:31

I can't imagine my parents or PIL would ever invite other family members to our house without discussing it with us. It is a very odd thing to do and implies they don't respect you or DH but expect to do what they like. Thank goodness DH stood up to his parents.

YANBU in the slightest.

Albertatata Fri 08-Aug-14 09:48:51

Not first time mum got a 2.9yr & 10 month old. No support and probably have difficulty handing over control as so used to doing it all myself. Very apprehensive about DC2 as when I have tried to go out and DH look after him it has ended in disaster and him screaming for hours until I got home. Anyway got to go now and entertain in laws (who aren't speaking to me!)

You need to clear the air otherwise the atmosphere will fester.

Mouthfulofquiz Fri 08-Aug-14 10:02:12

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable at all. They should want to concentrate on the children, seeing as they don't spend that much time with them. My Inlaws do a huge amount for my SIL and her boys because she is newly single. So they spend a lot less time with us - but, when they have the time, they are excited to come and see the kids and are fantastic around them. I just can't believe they would invite people round without you being there - plus having a baby to look after that they are unfamiliar with.
You MIL sounds like a bit of a nightmare to me....

NanooCov Fri 08-Aug-14 10:02:44

I'm not sure having other family there would have distracted from them putting DC2 to bed - wouldn't the visitors have been there during the day and be gone by bedtime? Even if not, I'm sure they would have excused themselves and not had the whole family in the room with DC2 trying to put him to bed.

I think the combination of an already strained relationship plus your nervousness about anyone looking after the children (including your DH) has resulted in an unfortunate situation.

They seem to be being a little childish with the silent treatment but is it possible they feel a little unwelcome? Perhaps why they haven't visited frequently before now?

I understand it's difficult when there's a perception that one couple and their kids get more attention or support than another but to be honest I think it's inevitable if one couple live in closer proximity. I'm not sure you'd be welcoming of more offers of babysitting anyway given your nervousness about others taking care of your LO?

The situation isn't irredeemable - they clearly have experience looking after kids (their own and other grand kids) and while I understand you're worried about how your DC2 will be, I think you need to let go a little and try to relax. Easier said than done I know but if the babysitting goes well, perhaps it will lead to more visits and more offers of help?

however Fri 08-Aug-14 10:12:22

Can you arrange an alternate babysitter and ask her to leave?

I would. I refuse to be given the silent treatment and made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. MIL learned that the hard way.

It is beyond rude to invite people around to someone else's house without asking. And I don't blame you for wanting them to concentrate on looking after your baby, whom you know will probably be upset.

LuckySaint Fri 08-Aug-14 10:17:10

I agree with However.
Yanbu

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