To get really annoyed at how spoiled my DN is?

(71 Posts)
alwaystired81 Wed 06-Aug-14 14:58:48

Ok bit of back story, my Dsis had her son when she was a teenager and so was still living at home and continued living there till he was about 3. He is now 10. Because of this my parents have (naturally) always had a closer bond with my DN than any of my DCs, I don't like it but understand it and have come to terms with it. What annoys me is how incredibly spoilt he is by my parents he is allowed to completely rule the roost and gets whatever he wants from them and whenever my mum is coming over to see my DCs she always turns up with DN because (in her words) he would "go mad if he thought he was missing out". As its the summer holidays me and DH have some trips organized and we are going to chessington, my sister doesn't want to go but my mum has now said she is going to bring DN on her own because DN couldn't possibly not go if my DCs are going. Also we are going to Butlins for a week and she's talking about bringing him down for the day because "he won't like that your DCs are going on holiday and he isn't". I have said to her "you know it is ok for the children to learn they can't have everything/go everywhere" and she just says "oh I know" and then carries on treating him like a little Prince. He uses the way she acts to his advantage too for example if my DS asks for something and I say no DN immediately goes and asks my mum and if she says yes he then brags to my kids so then I feel I have to go back on what I have said. I know that probably AIBU but it is just so frustrating.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 06-Aug-14 15:03:11

That sounds exhausting and tbh, they are gonna set him up for a fall in his adult life.

Just stop inviting your mum to things so your DC can actually enjoy things without your Mum turning it into a big thing for your DN.

alwaystired81 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:07:00

It is exhausting! The thing is she brings him even when she is just coming my house! Basically my DCs never really see her without him and I feel they never get any quality time with just her and them, they don't seem to notice it atm but I am worried they are going to start to realise he is favoured over them and they will be hurt

Lottapianos Wed 06-Aug-14 15:07:09

Gosh OP, that does sound highly exhausting. They are not doing this little boy any favours either by giving in to him all the time. You're not being unreasonable at all.

I agree with Tali - just don't extend any invitations that he and granny could gatecrash together.

jopickles Wed 06-Aug-14 15:07:23

if I were you I would make it perfectly clear he isn't invited or just don't share all your plans with your mum so she doesn't have the chance to spoil him so much. Just make sure your children know that you make the rules for them and that they can tell him about experiences they have had even if he hasn't been invited. If he 'goes mad' then that isn't for you to deal with and to be honest it might do him a bit of good to miss out on a few things

Rainicorn Wed 06-Aug-14 15:10:44

Are you me Op? I have a very similar situation with my neice.

It is very hard not to resent a child who gets everything while your children get nothing. Very hard indeed.

No wise words as I am still to listen to my own advice but flowers for you.

sebsmummy1 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:11:21

I had a little vent at my Mum for inadvertently doing similar with my sister's children at the detriment of her relationship with my son. Although she was upset she took my points in good grace and has tried really really hard to not constantly talk about and refer to my sisters children in every conversation we have.

Sometimes you just have to be brutal and it sounds like this is one of those times. If you plan a trip just you and your family and your Mother then that is who is invited. If she wants to take DN out then she does that another time or she does not come in your trip. Other times he is welcome, just not every single occasion.

ICanSeeTheSun Wed 06-Aug-14 15:12:23

I would say no to the butlin trip and make it clear that if they do go, then you will not be spending time with them.

Inertia Wed 06-Aug-14 15:12:27

I'd stop telling your mum in advance what your plans are.

alwaystired81 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:14:21

jopickles that is how I feel, it WOULD do him good to miss out things so he can learn that he can't have whatever he wants I have even tried to say that to my mum but she just won't listen. I guess the best thing to do is like you have said just go places and then tell them after but I just feel like I am gonna be treated like a bitch if I do that because in my parents (and my sister's ) eyes he can do no wrong. They already know about our holiday so I can't really do anything about that unless there's conveniently "no signal" where we go! Lol

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 06-Aug-14 15:15:46

I would put my foot down about chessington and Butlins. Tell her these are your family plans and it is not an open invitation. I would be inclined to stop telling her about your arrangements beforehand so she can't keep gate crashing with your DN.

Vintagebeads Wed 06-Aug-14 15:17:02

Its very hard as I am sure you would like your DC to have some time alone with nanna aswell.
We had the same I spoke to my sister who was reasonable and she had a word with my mum.It improved again due to a move too.

nicename Wed 06-Aug-14 15:18:01

Either tell her straight - you invite her (and not the child) to spend time with your kids (and explain that she is damaging her relationship with them with her behaviour) or exclude her from your plans.

And yes, she is setting this child up for a massive fall.

alwaystired81 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:19:31

rainicorn I'm glad it's not just me I felt like a bit of a bitch auntie lol.

sebsmummy1 I have tried talking to my mum about it but she is by nature very unreasonable and can't see what I am trying to say.

DizzyKipper Wed 06-Aug-14 15:22:14

That sounds like quite an unpleasant setup actually, you're definitely not being unreasonable! Have you tried telling your mum very directly that you don't like her favouring of DN and are worried about the effect it will have on your own DC? If you have or do and she still carries on as normal I'd be setting up boundaries asap to try to protect my kids from this. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do for DN, but you can at least try to do what's best for your own children.

sebsmummy1 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:26:41

We'll let her be unreasonable all in her own somewhere. I have a feeling you are a bit of a sweetheart and don't like confrontation. I am a cow and just say it how it is. If she doesn't like it then she can do one really.

BookABooSue Wed 06-Aug-14 15:30:38

Sorry I'm obviously in a minority of one but I don't think your DM is being that UR. It sounds as though she is compensating because DN doesn't get as much as your dc's?

It's just that you say she is bringing him down to Butlins for one day because he isn't going on holiday. It is quite common in our family if someone can't afford a holiday and a sibling is on holiday then they can come down for a few days. It seems quite mean to begrudge them that.

And presumably if your DSIS had wanted to go to Chessington then DN would have been coming along, so your DM doesn't want to see DN miss out because his DM doesn't want to go. Again, I'm struggling with how that makes DN spoilt.

I get that it's frustrating if you feel your DC's never get alone time with your DM and I think you're perfectly entitled to invite DM somewhere alone, or even to schedule with DSIS so that you're sure she is elsewhere with DN. But I don't see why you want to exclude your DN from holiday treats.

I also don't understand why you feel the need to go back on your parenting decisions just because your DN is given something. Every time we're at softplay there will be one of DS' friends' parents spending money on the machines or games. If I've told DS he can't get money for them then it doesn't matter what someone else decides to do.

Really this is about your relationship with your DM, it's not about your DN.

ICanSeeTheSun Wed 06-Aug-14 15:34:16

What does your DP think ( if you have one)

ilovechristmas1 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:34:54

dc's will notice in time

the same happened with me as a child and my sister

my dads mum hated my mum and took it out on us really,we had cousins that lived 1 street away from my nan and were always at hers,christmas and birthdays were horrible she would get us a token gift and spend loads on our cousins,she didnt even try to hide it

just because my mum took her precious only boy away from her,hasten to say we had a very distant relationship with her and felt no warmth from her

when she died we went to the funeral but only for my dad's sake

your mum needs to make a stand with your dn and the mother,its horrible when young to feel as if your not loved equal,i would say something to your mother myself

gamerchick Wed 06-Aug-14 15:41:25

I think I would start to just tell her after the fact. Then she can't make it all about him and tell her that she needs to come alone sometimes or not bother at all.

It's not fair for your kids to see him always being favoured.

Lottapianos Wed 06-Aug-14 15:43:53

'I have tried talking to my mum about it but she is by nature very unreasonable and can't see what I am trying to say'

Lots of us will be nodding in recognition at this! If talking reasonably about it doesn't wory, then action is required. Just stop telling your mother what you are doing

Book, it sounds like DN's grandparents are afraid of upsetting him and afraid he will 'kick off' if he gets told no or feels he is missing out ever. This is a child who has far too much control and is not expected to moderate his behaviour, which he should be doing at 10. He sounds like an unpleasant child to be around, even though its not his own fault. I can understand completely why OP doesn't want to spend holiday time around him.

TheFairyCaravan Wed 06-Aug-14 15:45:53

I've fallen out with my parents and gone nc over similar.

It started with DNiece being taken everywhere by them, them having her to give my DSis a break all the bloody time (even for the weekend before she was a week old!) Then DS1 was born, every time they came to see him, they'd bring her.

They never babysat or took DS1 anywhere because they always had DNiece. I had DS2, they wouldn't look after DS1 when I was in labour for ridiculous reasons, one of them being they were having DN that afternoon! They continued to take her on holidays, away for weekends, days out, bought her stuff. Basically if she asked, she got. Then DNeph was born, and as he lived there too he was treated the same.

To cut along story short, my DC are teens now, and one day my nephew was staying with us and told us all the places he'd been to with my parents and we realised how much we'd been lied too. I asked my parents to help while I had major surgery, they say 'no' because they were taking DNiece and her DS and DNephew on yet another foreign holiday because DN was stressed!

Scrounger Wed 06-Aug-14 15:48:24

We have something similar, not as extreme though. My PIL keep bringing my DN over, it is usually because my MIL tells my SIL that they are coming over to see us (day trip / overnight stay) and she asks if her DS can come too. My MIL doesn't say no. DH and I find it really annoying as we feel that we are used as a childcare option by SIL so that her and her DH could get some free time at our expense. Bear in mind that we had three children under 5 (inc twins) so we were exhausted. My PIL don't discipline my DN or keep him in line so DH and I are left to do that as well.

Last time they didn't ask us, just turned up with DN with no warning (we were expecting them). I think that it is going to come to a head soon with DH directly asking them not to bring him over, so far he has 'nicely' questioned it but he is starting to get really pissed off about it. It is part of a pattern of behaviour where SIL gets what she wants because she is more pushy about it. No advice other than be direct and say no, he cannot come over, our DC would like to see you only as nicename suggest.

alwaystired81 Wed 06-Aug-14 15:50:31

BookABooSue I do see your point and that's why when I posted I said I was prepared to accept I WBU but to be fair it is not that he doesn't get as much as my DCs - if anything because I have 3 DCs he gets a lot more. He has already been on holiday abroad this year (we have not been able to afford to go abroad for 6 years) and he is often taken to theme parks on his own. I am not specifically trying to exclude him it just annoys me that anything my DCs get he has to have as well, or better. E.g. I bought a pool for our garden and then DN said "well I'm gonna get this pool for my garden too - actually I'm gonna get a bigger one" he delights in making my 2 older DCs feel bad and often makes them cry. And he often has "sleepovers" at my parents house not because my Dsis needs a babysitter just because, my DCs are never invited so it just seems like double standards that she is so worried about him missing out but doesn't mind if my DCs do. But maybe that is down to mine and her relationship but fwiw DN does definitely use it to his advantage.

ICanSeeTheSun he notices it too and is as frustrated as I am but maybe because it's my side of the family it doesn't hurt him as much as me.

superhands Wed 06-Aug-14 15:55:56

Your mum sounds a bit scared of your DN.

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