AIBU about not being invited by MIL & SIL?

(51 Posts)
wouldyoujustlayhere Tue 05-Aug-14 10:15:29

My MIL and SIL are always going on days out, holidays and weekends away together. When I first met them I was a bit sad that they didn't include me sometimes but have largely got over that. I do understand that they are DM/DD and have a special relationship. I do go out of my way to include PIL in things we do including weekends away, days out and they have been on holiday with us.

SIL has just let it slip that they are going on a girls spa weekend including MIL, SIL and some of their friends. There are about 6 of them. It is not something they have just booked because SIL mentioned it to me in March and then just this weekend. They are going in a few weeks.

I am not hurt by not being included. I am more a bit hmm. I feel like I include them in a lot of things and it would have been courteous to invite me. MIL has not mentioned it at all and SIL has kind of dropped it in subtly when MIL has not been around.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed about not being included. Or should I man up and accept that I am needy grin and get my own friends (which incidentally I do have).

IScreamForIceCream Tue 05-Aug-14 10:19:47

ERm - yes, perhaps woman up a touch?

Surely they can spend time together or with others - not everything has to be done 'en masse' as a whole big family.

Is there something else going on as to why this would bother you?

In the 11 years I have been with DH, I have never been included in anything that my MIL/SIL do together. It hadn't occured to me to mind, to be honest. There's no way on this earth that I would invite my SIL along to stuff I do with my mum.

I was only invited to her hen do out of obligation. And same with her to mine.

YABU.

phantomnamechanger Tue 05-Aug-14 10:21:35

my gut reaction is to ask is your SIL married? because I think this has a big impact on relationship between parent and child. My SIL is treated differently than her 2 married brothers, who both have families, not because she is the only girl but because she is on her own. She does not live with MIL but definitely is more dependent on MIL still.
Maybe they feel you as part of a couple would not want to go on their girly trips - do you also have DC to consider? maybe they secretly feel your place is looking after them and its not fair on DH for him to look after DC while you go off on a spa day?

ILs are odd things sometimes, who knows how they think!

LuluJakey1 Tue 05-Aug-14 10:24:13

I suppose it just depends on the relationship. I can see they will have their own relationship as mother and daughter- I certainly liked having my mum to myself at times and doing things together. We had our routines and places we went etc. I can see they might do things with close friends family who you don't know/are not close to and so don't think of inviting you.

Perhaps they have just got into a 'habit' of how they do things and who they do them with and don't even think about it. So they see you as someone they do things with with your DH. and their DHs- holidays, family things, and just never think about you being part of the other things.

Do you feel they do it 'knowingly'? What is your relationship like with them both apart from this? Are their other things that concern you?

Mondayschild78 Tue 05-Aug-14 10:24:53

Similarly to pp it wouldn't have occurred to me to be bothered nor would I think to invite either of my two SILs to an outing with my DM. Therefore it may not have occurred to them either. Why don't you organise something and see if they want to come to do it with you?

phantomnamechanger Tue 05-Aug-14 10:31:07

OP - is your SIL someone you would choose to be friends with if she was not related to your DH, but you met her through work or a hobby/club? Do you like the same things or do you just feel you now belong to the family and should be invited to join in more? it actually sounds like her telling you these things that you don't need to know about is some sort of bragging/stirring/one-up-man-ship, maybe (if she is not married) this is her way of covering up jealousy?

phantomnamechanger Tue 05-Aug-14 10:32:42

Anyway OP, looking on the bright side, at least they aren't wanting you to join their burlesque troupe and perform at every family do! grin

LuluJakey1 Tue 05-Aug-14 10:34:42

My MIL and SIL live over 100 miles away. They don't do much as a pair- but do with FIL. The three of them go out walking the dogs, meet up in town, SIL goes round all the time for meals, they will go to art exhibitions etc.

SIL not a very 'girly' daughter- goes to football with her dad and my DH, not interested in clothes, make- up or house things. But the tree of us get on really well. We have lots of other things in common- interest in art, photography, education, DH, books, cooking, politics, walking- and a real friendship has developed between us, as well as being in-laws. It is hard to feel excluded 130 miles away.

They are very supportive and caring and I try to be the same. I don't think I have ever felt any tensions about inclusion/exclusion.

VodkaJelly Tue 05-Aug-14 10:37:19

My MIL and SIL live round the corner to me and in 15 years i have never been invited to anything, not even to go shopping with them.

It did bother me at first but in the last 10 years I dont give a frig. My SIL is a poisonous harpy and i avoid her at all costs.

I think I have had a lucky escape.

diddl Tue 05-Aug-14 10:40:38

But when you include them, presumably they get to see their son/brother?

i guess that they don't see you as a friend, but as the wife of their son/brother?

wouldyoujustlayhere Tue 05-Aug-14 11:05:27

I have lots in common with SIL. We share very similar interests and share the same taste in clothes, makeup and hair etc. We are similar ages. I think we would get along well in a different environment. Something seems to stop them short of my being one of them.

Despite what I am typing here I am used to them not including me and I am OK with it. It's just that this seems to be a bit cloak and dagger. SIL is dropping comments about how much she is looking forward to their girlie weekend away and MIL has not mentioned it whereas she is usually News of the World. Next time I am with them I think I may say "oh are you looking forward to your girlie weekend away".

RhiWrites Tue 05-Aug-14 11:10:51

Could you not say to your SIL something like "That sounds lovely, another time I'd love to join you if that's possible".

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Tue 05-Aug-14 11:47:27

Op do you not do similar stuff with your own mum? for all we know you could be galavanting round with her telling them...

Essentially though yes I think its very rude if you are all close ish in relations and distance not to include you more. But you know the ansa to this is - to stop making so much effort there!!!!

I would not ask sil to join, her comments are to me clear indications she wants to rub it in. be totally bright and breeezy - wish them a lovely time ...

wouldyoujustlayhere Tue 05-Aug-14 12:00:27

I lost my mum when I was a child and I don't have that kind of relationship with my StepM so perhaps I don't get the whole grown up women shopping binding thing. I am not trying to be adopted by them at all if that is what you are thinking. I expect them to treat me no different than a good friend.

Buds. Yes I do know the answer is to not make so much effort. TBH a few of the posts upthread give me the impression that I should include them as they are family but they don't have to do it back.

eddielizzard Tue 05-Aug-14 12:03:41

i would personally cut back on what i invite them to. do family things with them sure, when you want them there. but otherwise invest the time in new friendships.

sympathy - hurts like hell.

FrankSaysNo Tue 05-Aug-14 12:08:40

They are having mother and daughter time.

Lets move the clock forward 25 years and you and your DD are planning a day out and your MIL or your sons GF pipes up with "I want to come too". how would you feel about that?

People are allowed to have independent relationships within a group.

You said do things with them too - but it may be the way the post is written, anything you organise is family orientated, so including FIL, children etc You could take the bull by the horns and say "I've seen a deal for XYZ spa, would one or both like to come with me?" The initiative doesn't have to come from them for a female only thing.

cailindana Tue 05-Aug-14 12:26:25

Why don't you organise a girlie day out for the three of you?

I can understand your hurt but it doesn't seem deliberate. They have a very established relationship (obviously!) and it is difficult to become part of that.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Tue 05-Aug-14 12:36:40

Lets move the clock forward 25 years and you and your DD are planning a day out and your MIL or your sons GF pipes up with "I want to come too". how would you feel about that? grin

well i guess if you like someone you want to spend time with them...if you dont you dont...

is it really up to the op to wedge her way in to her and her sil....surely its manners for them to welcome her to the family....

is she just the gf, i thght she was married to her son>

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Tue 05-Aug-14 12:40:43

I lost my mum when I was a child and I don't have that kind of relationship with my StepM so perhaps I don't get the whole grown up women shopping binding thing

I have been in same situation. You are looking for something in them they cannot give and its manners to include you or not mention all the time!

You know what they are like, be more distant and look elsewhere. keep expectations low.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 05-Aug-14 12:41:16

I've been in the same position before I felt hurt too

diddl Tue 05-Aug-14 12:56:00

"its manners to include you or not mention all the time!"

i don't agree with that at all.

Everyone's an adult!

Surely mother & daughter can talk about their plans without having to include OP?

BudsBeginingSpringinSight Tue 05-Aug-14 12:59:47

Yes but op is the outsider, its up to them to help welcome her in, its only polite!

op does try and include them, she is doing her part - of course they can do things together - mother and daughter but it seems its goes a little far.

riverboat1 Tue 05-Aug-14 13:00:54

Of course they are entitled to not include you, but if that is starting to irk/upset you then that is a totally understandable response.

Can you test the waters by saying something like 'I'd love to come next time if you make the spa trip a regular thing'. If they seem all awkward and 'ye-es'y then you'll know they're not Kern and you can just get on with accepting you'll never be part of their group. If they are all enthusiastic and all 'oh that would be great, we never thought you'd want to come!' then it might get things going a bit.

diddl Tue 05-Aug-14 13:06:09

You can be welcomed into a family without having to join in the stuff that MIL & SIL do together can't you?

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