To wonder where the joy is in forcing someone to marry you?

(205 Posts)
Fanfeckintastic Thu 31-Jul-14 22:26:30

This is probably going to sound awful and I'm so sorry if I offend!

A lot of my friends at the moment are getting engaged which I do think is lovely, but the vast majority have been trying to twist their DPs arm about it for at least a year+, a lot have been given ultimatums etc which I personally wouldn't be able to bear, I can see why if the woman wants to wait until married to have children etc and totally understand marriage is important to many people but personally I just think having to practically force someone to ask you would put a very bad taste in my mouth. But each and every time one of these guys propose to my friends, I genuinely am absolutely pleased for them, have even shed a tear of happiness knowing how much said friend has been waiting and worrying.
What I don't think the guys have been bargaining for is how fast said friends would start planning weddings and organising things. I get the impression these guys thought maybe the ring was buying them another couple of years but in so many cases I've seen friends enter wedding competitions, enquiring via Facebook about certain venues etc within days of getting the longed for proposal!
Why is it so often the women driving these things, does it not take the joy out of it?

AIBU for feeling this way? Do I sound jealous? I honestly don't think that's it at all, it just sometimes feels like watching a car crash about to happen!

ParsingFlatly Thu 31-Jul-14 22:30:27

"I get the impression these guys thought maybe the ring was buying them another couple of years"

Buying them another couple of years of what?

For therein lies the problem.

FrankSaysNo Thu 31-Jul-14 22:31:21

>yawn<

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 31-Jul-14 22:33:37

YANBU. I wanted to get married, I asked my boyfriend, he agreed, we were engaged. No way I was going to hang around hoping/moping/nagging forever.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 31-Jul-14 22:39:05

Why even comment then Frank? How odd. Genuinely hope I haven't touched a nerve.

ParsingFlatly Thu 31-Jul-14 22:40:16

Nah, OP, this just looks like it could be a goady/troll thread. But I've seen you around and don't think you meant it like that.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 31-Jul-14 22:43:37

Oh no honestly had no intention of hurting anyone's feelings. One of my best friends is engaged under these circumstances and I know 100% they'll be really happy together, they've already got children etc and her thinking is just that if she didn't twist things a bit it just wouldn't happen. I just wonder why not ask yourself in that case, and that way if it is just a case that he wants to spend his life with you and is maybe just a little laxy Daisy then he'll say yes and if he's not really into it for the long haul, he'll say no!

QueenBean Thu 31-Jul-14 22:43:40

I absolutely agree, can't believe how, now that my group of friends is turning 30, everyone is suddenly desperate to be married despite not necessarily being in the happiest of relationships. It seems to be an "everyone else is doing it" mentality. Obviously, it's none of my business really and most love each other very much but what's the rush?

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Jul-14 22:43:43

I do understand what you're saying and I agree.

Why would anyone want to practically force someone into getting engaged?

But I don't agree with is you feeling sorry for the guys, because they didn't think to have an important conversation but when the wedding and plans would take place, before agreeing to an engagement.

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Jul-14 22:44:00

*about - not 'but'

hollie84 Thu 31-Jul-14 22:46:14

If they've got children together then it seems sensible to force the issue. I am in a similar position - 2 kids and DP not keen on getting married. However I think I will have to insist at some point. It's practical even if not "joyful".

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Jul-14 22:49:12

I don't agree it's sensible to 'force the issue' just because you've got kids together.

Why would you want to force someone to marry you?

If marriage is important because of kids, why not get married first?

Szeli Thu 31-Jul-14 22:51:30

OH will be frog marched down to the registry office before long. Joyless but job done grin

Fanfeckintastic Thu 31-Jul-14 22:52:40

I don't feel sorry for the guys at all Worra, but I do think they end up being the cowardly ones that end up cheating or leaving.

I have another thread on AIBU at the moment about guys I've been out with lately, one being a married guy (I didn't know this at the time!!) and he claimed he was railroaded into which I would well believe considering how passionate some of friends are about the cause, and he was such a cowardly fecker he went along with it and has now left his wife and most definitely cheated on her in the past.

So I don't feel sorry for them at all but I think women should be really careful about doing this because I think if he isn't as into as you then you could be in for serious trouble down the line.

BobPatandIgglePiggle Thu 31-Jul-14 22:53:17

This is an ongoing issue in my relationship. Dp isn't arsed about getting married, I would like to - mainly because we have ds. Dp has said 'I've got nothing against it, I dont particularly want to but I will of it's what you want'

It is what I want but I won't be doing any forcing because I know he'll suck the joy out of it. Not in a nasty way, just in a 'I'm not bothered' way.

hollie84 Thu 31-Jul-14 22:53:36

Unfortunately going back 10 years isn't an option.

If you're in a long term relationship with someone that involves kids, joint finances, property then marriage is a sensible and practical way to deal with the legal issues.

Viviennemary Thu 31-Jul-14 22:57:51

I don't see anything wrong with laying your cards on the table as it were. This waiting around for years to be proposed to is become a bit too much of the norm these days. I think if marriage is important to you your partner should respect that even if it isn't important to them.

ArsenicFaceCream Thu 31-Jul-14 23:00:25

What's 'laxy daisy'? <misses point>

It happens the other way around too, personally I can't imagine marrying someone who was lukewarm about the idea, but if people are happy with it, good luck to them.

FrankSaysNo Thu 31-Jul-14 23:01:40

Fanfeckintastic

No sweetie married 30 years and I didn't have to pretend to be pregnant or arm wrestle him either.

Your original post is so full of holes but it just too late to pick every one out to answer.

RJnomore Thu 31-Jul-14 23:05:28

No I get you too, it's amazing how many of DHs friends are now basically getting married because they have run out of excuses not to. They're utterly uninterested and view the whole thing as a trial to get through which they are rewarded for with a stag do.

I'd rather be single. But that I suppose is easy to say when you ar married.

I do always wonder what exactly you are congratulating at those weddings mind you.

GreenTeaHoneysuckle Thu 31-Jul-14 23:08:02

nyanbu.

but i think women with low self-esteem (often due to no fault of their own, due to a run of rejections and bad behaviour and treatment and lack of respect from others over their life) can accept any old bone that's tossed to them.

Now I don't want to get married but once upon a time I did and I remember worrying about the timings, if I would be 'young enough' to have children by the time I found somebody,figured out if they were a keeper, got engaged, got married etc. It all seemed like such a big task. And the alternative, have a child on your own? well there is still so much judgement heaped on that. I remember feeling I couldn't win!

MsVestibule Thu 31-Jul-14 23:10:11

I don't know anybody who this has happened to! AFAIK, it's been a mutual decision. It must happen sometimes, but surely it's not that common confused.

2rebecca Thu 31-Jul-14 23:10:58

I'm a feminist and see my relationship as one of equals. We both discussed marriage. I wouldn't hang around waiting for a man to propose and find it odd some women do and don't have an equal discussion on how they see the future of their relationship. I wouldn't be keen to live with a man without being married or having discussed marriage and definitely wouldn't have wanted kids without being married.
Once people decide to get married I think they should just get on with it, I see no point in faffing around, if you get engaged to be married you set a date otherwise you aren't actually engaged to get married as you have no concrete plans to change anything.
If several years into a relationship my boyfriend didn't want to get married I'd wonder if he was waiting for someone better to come along.
I can understand older couples not bothering to get married and can imagine in my 60s I would be happy not bothering with marriage but as a younger woman if I'd been going out with a bloke for a few years and he wasn't keen to discuss marriage or get married I'd be wondering if I was just someone to pass the time with for a while.

Wadingthroughsoup Thu 31-Jul-14 23:11:19

I know what you mean OP. A lovely friend of mine sort of badgered her DP into proposing to her, and eventually gave him an ultimatum. They have been married for about 5 years now and she has mentioned to me more than once that she still feels bitter that he didn't come to that decision spontaneously. She feels he only proposed because she kept going on about it and it has taken some of the shine off things from her perspective.

Of course, she could have just avoided nagging him in the first place and let it be. But marriage was so important to her that she didn't feel she could.

GreenTeaHoneysuckle Thu 31-Jul-14 23:11:32

viviennemary, i agree, women should be encouraged to believe they have a right to an 'agenda' if you like. It is ok to admit that you want marriage and a family, and that if that's not what your bf wants that he should tell you. Women are often afraid to say that much! They passively HOPE that that's going to happen.

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