to be upset at grandparents stealing my thunder??

(169 Posts)
MrsDowneyJunior Thu 31-Jul-14 14:11:53

Very long story short I barely see my DD and when I do I'm very restricted in what I can do with her. My parents see her far more and have way more freedom, but they still don't see her a lot and are still restricted to a degree.

I have unusually managed to wangle a few extra hours this week to take her to the cinema, a day in 2 weeks to take her to Chessington, and Christmas Eve taking her to Lapland UK. I have just found out that yesterday they took her to the cinema, today they've taken her to Chessington and 3 days before I take her to Lapland UK they've booked a trip to the REAL Lapland.

These 3 events for me are the first time in 2 years I've been able to take her to the cinema, a theme park and Santa and they've bulldozed it! She's not going to think me taking her to the cinema 3 days after they took her is anything special, she was so excited about her first time to Chessington in 2 weeks and they've just crapped on that today taking her by surprise now and Lapland??? How the hell can I take her to Lapland UK when 3 days earlier she's been on an airplane to the real Santa and real snow etc etc?? She'll be questioning everything I've told her about Santa, she'll remember their trip and will be comparing the two the whole time and a precious and rare special memory with her mother is destroyed for one with bloody grandparents! I'm her mother, not them! I'm more important in DD's life and should have the big days, not them and as it's such a rarity it's really pissed me off and I'm about to blow at them. If I had her 24/7 and these events were nothing special and we did it all the time then fine, but not when these things are so rare and special for us, and Lapland I would always be pissed off at though regardless of how much time I have with her. I put so much effort into creating the magic of Christmas for DD and building up this magical story and explaining how it all works and who the "real" Santa is and every sodding year my mother jumps in with some crap that undoes everything I've told her or planned or done with her. Really fed up of it. Had a mini rant at her just now and told her she WILL NOT do this with the new baby. Seeing her for dinner tonight & I just know there's going to be a battle with this and I don'tt need it but why can't she see how this undermines me and pisses on my parade? Or AIBU to feel like that? sad

Trickydecision Thu 31-Jul-14 14:24:44

MrsDowney, I can quite understand why you are so disappointed about the events arranged by your parents potentially outshining yours.
However without some more information it is hard to assess how unreasonable you are being, or not, , bearing in mind the contrast between I'm very restricted in what I can do with her. My parents see her far more and have way more freedom and * I'm her mother, not them! I'm more important in DD's life and should have the big days, not them*.

curiousgeorgie Thu 31-Jul-14 14:27:31

Why are you restricted with her? Chessington & Lapland UK are quite full on days out so maybe you could do something else? How old is she? Instead of Lapland UK you could take her to a Christmas show, panto or something?

Did they know about your plans before they made theirs?

If so, it was unkind of them, but it's hard to know why they would have done it without understanding a lot more about your situation.

If not, it's just bad luck really, isn't it.

Altinkum Thu 31-Jul-14 14:28:30

Who does she life with?

MegMogandOwlToo Thu 31-Jul-14 14:30:56

Has this happened before? I am sure I read this exact thread about grandparents taking their grandchild to the cinema and Lapland, knowing that their mum alread that plans.

Seriouslyffs Thu 31-Jul-14 14:30:58

It sounds very complicated. Who does she live with? If they don't have residency you can minimise then stealing your thunder by simply not telling them your plans.

Coconutty Thu 31-Jul-14 14:31:42

I don't think it really matters to your DD where you take her. I'm sure she just wants to see you.

Tinkerball Thu 31-Jul-14 14:33:00

You must realise it's impossible to decide as you haven't said why your time with her is restricted and yet stating angrily that your her Mum not them!

MrsDowneyJunior Thu 31-Jul-14 14:33:35

They basically see her three times as much as I do and can do pretty much whatever they want with her within reason, whereas I can't do the majority of stuff I'd like to and only ever see her for a couple of hours here and there and never for full big days out, which they have frequently. Neither of us get to see her very much, but they have far more contact than me. What gets me is with all of these things they knew I'd booked them and was so excited and had been planning them and getting all excited about them for months and they've stepped in after and booked the same or bigger without talking to me and with knowing how special it was to me. I just think you know they could have gone to a soft play yesterday, they didn't need to do the cinema when I was supposed to be doing that with her, they could have had a day out in London today at the Natural History Museum or something, they didn't need to do Chessington, and as for Lapland... sad. I can't do soft play, I can't do London, and I certainly can't do flights to the real Lapland. It's totally pissed on my parade and DD is going to remember their real Lapland trip, not my day in Windsor, and she'll remember the first time in Chessington with them, not me, the first time she saw Pudsy with them, not me... I can't rearrange my plans, they could, and shouldn't have booked them in the first place. sad

Sleepyhoglet Thu 31-Jul-14 14:34:47

To you it feel crap but for her she's getting lovely experiences and being brought up well. Try to be happy that your patents love her and are spending time with her.

curiousgeorgie Thu 31-Jul-14 14:35:36

Why can't you do London? It wouldn't be any less walking / expense than Chessington or Lapland UK?

Altinkum Thu 31-Jul-14 14:35:38

OP why don't you get to see often, why don't you get to see her for full days...

I'm terribly confused. Do they have her because you work/ill etc... Did you previously tell them of your plans?

Coconutty Thu 31-Jul-14 14:39:10

Why can't you do London or soft play but you can do a theme park?

Patrickstarisabadbellend Thu 31-Jul-14 14:39:15

Did they ask your permission before arranging to take your dd out if the country?

Perhaps people here could help you think of something else you could do, instead of Lapland UK, MrsDowneyJr?

It isn't clear from your OP, but do you think your parents are deliberately taking your dd to do things that you are planning to do with her, or is their thunder-stealing accidental?

If it is on purpose, maybe you need to stop telling them your plans - or you could even feed them some really outrageous plans and watch them try to out do you. Obviously, if it is accidental, I apologise for maligning them.

diddl Thu 31-Jul-14 14:41:54

If you don't see much of her I don't really get why you want to be doing stuff rather than just being together tbh.

That doesn't take away that what they have done is shit.

But if they have form, why keep telling them stuff?

Tinkerball Thu 31-Jul-14 14:41:55

I'm no clearer sorry, why do they see her more often than you and why don't you see her very often?

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 14:45:28

I take it she doesn't live with you and you don't have custody or control to say no, she can't do these things with her grandparents?

If that's the case then perhaps you have to look at what is within your control to change.

If you feel that whatever you do, they try to do first and better - stop telling them your plans.

Find things that create wonderful memories for your daughter and which are just for the two of you.

Difficult as it must be, try to not see it as some sort of competition. Just focus on enjoying the time you have with your child and doing things with her and enjoying being together.

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 14:46:46

and, most importantly - is there any way to change the situation in order to give you more contact with your child. I appreciate that depending on the circumstances, this may be out of the question.

ChillySundays Thu 31-Jul-14 14:47:37

I think you may have to put this down to experience and keep quiet about your plans next time. That way they can't steal your thunder. Can you not take your DD to London. A boat trip down the Thames and a go on the London Eye - children would still find this fun surely. How old is your DD?

MrsDowneyJunior Thu 31-Jul-14 14:49:06

Why the situation is as it is is irrelevant, facts are it's the way it is, none of us see her a lot but they see far more and have less restrictions. I can't do London, they can, I can't do soft play, they can, they've known my plans which are the first time in 2 years I've been able to do cinema, theme parks and Christmas and have booked theirs afterwards and the nice side of me is trying to think that they just heard my plans and said "oh yeah that sounds nice, we'd like that too" and ran off with it without thinking while the suspicious side of me thinks they are doing this on purpose to out-do and undermine me. Of course I want DD to have fun and a lovely time with all of us, but I also want her to remember she had a mother and had a couple of nice times with her and at this rate she wont with them outdoing every special day out I have and every rare plan I make. sad

Leeds2 Thu 31-Jul-14 14:49:48

It does seem a bit mean, if they knew what your pland were and have gone out to "better" them.

If I were you, I would change my own plans. So, Alton Towers, Legoland or Thorpe Park instead of Chessington. Trip to the theatre, or go out for afternoon tea, instead of the cinema. Go to a panto instead of Lapland UK. Your DD will love these trips every bit as much.

I would also not tell the grandparents what you had planned until after the event.

Sometimes, it's the time spent rather than the things you do iyswim? A long walk in the woodland (maybe a nature trail or animal), a picnic on top of a mountain, a day spent modelling/painting etc. A swim, then a Macdonalds etc.

Have a friend with DD's, whose ex always takes them to the cinema if he does see them, which she finds a bit sad, as she's sure they would rather talk to their dad, rather than stare at a screen.

It's not always the big stuff iyswim?

'animal hunt'

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