To ask DP to forgive me for DS's birth?

(248 Posts)
CulturalBear Thu 31-Jul-14 10:32:08

Have posted a few times about moderately crap DS birth.

Nutshell - waters broke, on drip 40 hours later, needed forceps/episiotomy, later abandoned on recovery ward (with naked baby) by hospital staff and DP for 4-5hours. DS largely fine, I was largely fine.

A year and a bit on, and it still bothers me.

Someone IRL recently told me the usual 'all that matters' is that DS is fine and I need to let it go - and asked what I needed to do that.

It occurred to me around DS's first birthday that I need DP to forgive me. He has never given me any praise or credit around the birth or year since - never said well done or that he's proud of me, or that I'm a good mum or even thank you for the things I do - all normal things a dad might say to his partner.

He is basically Spock when it comes to feelings - he logics the shit out of them so they don't trouble him.

But I believe that him not saying these things implies he feels ashamed of me. I think that if I could get him to express forgiveness for screwing up or letting him/DS down, then I might be able to let go this over-riding sense of failure I've had since.

For the record, I 100% do not judge the way that anyone else gives birth - it's bloody hard work and requires a huge amount of effort however it happens - I just wish I, personally, had done better. I have never been given a reason for needing the interventions other than 'he was a bit stuck'.

Ideally DS would tell me he forgives me - but I'm not sure I could wait 18+ years!

Would I be unreasonable to ask DP to forgive me? If not, how do I go about it?

CultureSucksDownWords Wed 06-Aug-14 09:36:00

Blimey, a GP should never shout at you! Tell him the reasons why you struggle to take the tablets for iron, and ask him if there are any alternatives. And maybe start by talking about the fact your struggling rather than the anaemia - if he asks about the anaemia first then deflect it and say that you are more concerned about other things.

Cultural - I am not anaemic but after DD's delivery (EMCS) I had a haemorrhage and had to have a blood transfusion. The ward sister/doctor (can't remember now) prescribed tablets and I told her I can't take them - my body doesn't absorb them properly and I get er, 'loose stools'. She kept on about me refusing medication until I got a bit arsey with her and asked how, following major surgery on my abdomen, and feeding a baby on demand, I was going to run to the toilet every five minutes.
In the end we agreed on Iron syrup.

Iron syrup is far more digestable and easier to take frequently. I also bought some SpaTone in the chemist - pouches of highly iron-rich water and had one pouch a day in my fruit juice.

Glad that DP is being more understanding.

CulturalBear Wed 06-Aug-14 09:40:55

Yeah that's very true showtunes my parents were very supportive growing up but think they must have been 'clever girl' praisers rather than 'well done on working hard for that' praisers - apparently this can skew you to always need external reinforcement.

Appt is for tonight. Just need to not cancel it. The demons are having a field day though - 'he'll say there's nowt wrong', 'he'll brush it off as being tired', 'he'll shout at you for not taking tablets' (this actually happened to me many years ago at a different practice - a doctor phoned me up to shout at me for not taking enough iron, and then had a go at me for not booking a smear test. I complained.)

Then there's the other extreme of 'he'll tell social services about me', 'he'll want to lock me up', 'he'll sign me off work'... I know these aren't very likely (god I hope not). But it's hard work ignoring the demons!

NewtRipley Wed 06-Aug-14 09:52:14

Cultural

The demons sound strong, which is why it's even more important you seek help for the psychological side of things.

Maybe it would help to write down what you want to say beforehand

CulturalBear Wed 06-Aug-14 09:58:33

I know Newt. I'm quite good at switching them off in normal life - but occasionally the nagging wins over.

Btw - I don't think there are really demons, I was just analogising self-doubt thoughts.

Don't think it helps that I'll have to have DS with me but hopefully he won't choose then for a meltdown!

NewtRipley Wed 06-Aug-14 10:04:32

I know smile

I have them too.

I went to ask for help when DS2 was about 7 months old 9had a period of PND with him too) and it actually helped that he was there. He cried, I cried. I got the message across of how bad I was feeling.

showtunesgirl Wed 06-Aug-14 10:34:08

Do write it down.

I know it's hard. It took me over two years before I went to my GP to say: No, things aren't right. Saying those first few words were tough and then it all came tumbling out.

Number one thing to remember is that YOU matter.

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Aug-14 15:38:26

Definitely write it down. Copy out some of your posts from here - they say it all really.
Floradix is another way of taking iron in liquid form, which can work better than tablets.

Good luck - be strong! - tell him that you are struggling and make him get you some help. xx

CulturalBear Wed 06-Aug-14 15:54:46

God I'm getting nervous now. <Eek>

How about if I start with something like: I've got a couple of issues, but the most important one is that I'm not coping very well at the moment. I am still really affected by DS's birth because I blame myself for failing. I've been struggling for a really long time and it's getting worse. I don't know what you can do to help me but I think I need some help.

?

I think I could manage that.

showtunesgirl Wed 06-Aug-14 16:04:14

Do whatever you think you can manage but do say it.

We're with you OP!!!!

CultureSucksDownWords Wed 06-Aug-14 16:05:58

That sounds like a great start to your conversation with the GP, that should make it clear what you want to focus on. Good luck smile

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Aug-14 16:12:45

That sounds like a great opening line! remember you have the MN Collective standing at your shoulder, supporting you through this in an ethereal fashion!

If all else fails, tell the doc to read this thread.

CulturalBear Wed 06-Aug-14 16:24:12

Thanks Team MN grin

Will report back later...

CulturalBear Thu 07-Aug-14 09:03:58

So, final update (cos you all must be bored of this by now!)

Saw GP. He offered Ads and/or counselling, and I said I'd try the counselling first but if the wait is very long and I get worse in the meantime, I'd go back for extra help.

He also didn't shout at me about the iron thing. Yay!

DP has really upped his game. I think he finally realises that I'm not just 'being miserable' and there's more to it than that. He's being very supportive in taking some of the pressure off me at home and I'm very grateful for that.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented on this thread. I think I see now that I need to forgive myself as it's not DP's place to forgive me - and hopefully that will be the start of getting better.

Much appreciation and gratitude to all - and to everyone else in the same boat, please see the red flags in this thread - seeing them written down made me finally see how skewed it all is.

thanks thanks thanks

Thumbwitch Thu 07-Aug-14 11:02:23

Sounds good, Cultural
Keep posting if you feel the need; we're still here to listen (we don't do boredom!)
Really hope that you get the counselling through quickly, but if not, do go back and try the ADs. Remember they're kind of like a plaster for a broken leg - temporary support while you heal - no shame attached. You wouldn't try and walk on a broken leg without support, would you? (Well, I hope you wouldn't! grin) So try looking at ADs like that and it might help smile
thanks

florascotia Thu 07-Aug-14 12:25:53

Cultural - thank goodness you went to see GP. Here's wishing you all the very, very best for your future. As so many others have said, you have not failed. We can't 'achieve' the perfect birth any more than we can 'achieve' the perfect weather. And your hospital care sounds dreadful.

This is just a comment re your DP. An observation, not a judgement. May or may not be relevant. Some men - especially ones for whom showing emotion is difficult - find it incredibly hard to be faced with suitations where they can do nothing to solve a problem or 'make things better'. They may get angry with themselves, resentful of others, switch off or actually walk away. From the outside, this can look deeply uncaring. I don't think that's actually what they intend, but they simply don't have the emotional equipment to cope. Ask them to help with a practical task, however, and they show their love and care that way.

Well done Cultural. That can't have been easy.

Glad DP is stepping up too. As I have said I think the hospital treated you both quite badly and he has been struggling too. It sounds like you have got through to him that you need help. I agree with florascotia about the practical things being easier for men like him and he has a way of supporting you without having to deal with things he can't understand which just makes him defensive.

Hope things continue to improve. smile

maddy68 Thu 07-Aug-14 16:47:16

You certainly don't need forgiveness however expecting your partner to praise you is also a little bit odd if you don't mind me saying so. It sounds like you a bit over emotional and your partner is a bit on the colder side. ( as many men are) I think you need to talk to your partner and tell him how you feel and explain that you need 'more'. Do you think you could be suffering with a bit of pnd? Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings?

maddy68 Thu 07-Aug-14 16:47:50

Sorry didn't see the update ! Well done for getting some help

Thumbwitch Thu 07-Aug-14 16:47:58

Usually a good idea to at least read the OP's updates, maddy

maddy68 Thu 07-Aug-14 18:14:13

I appreciate that however I'm on holiday with sketchy internet and I was on a previous page, believing I was on the latest. Once I posted it updated!

Thumbwitch Thu 07-Aug-14 18:14:56

Fair enough then smile

NewtRipley Thu 07-Aug-14 20:30:50

Cultural

Good to hear. Please keep on it, and of course come back if you need to talk.

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