To ask DP to delete a "friend" from Facebook

(30 Posts)
PickleMyster Thu 31-Jul-14 09:21:26

if he wants to announce my pregnancy and put scan photos up?

Last year after a specific incident I decided to call time on a friendship. I had been "friends" with this person (I'll call her Casey) for about 11/12 years. We were introduced through another friend (I'll call her Louise). For the first year or two I saw Casey sporadically, I didn't know her very well, but she seemed nice and friendly and we got on whenever we went out. Louise, Casey and myself then decided to go into house share together.

It wasn't long until I realised just how messy and lazy Casey was. Whenever Louise asked her to tidy something up Casey would be fine about it. Whenever I asked her to clear something up and Louise was there to witness it Casey was fine with it, but if Louise wasn't there then Casey would act fine with it to my face but then go running to Louise saying I was picking on her/bullying her. I also overheard Casey making bitchy comments about me. When I questioned her about it she would either deny it or make out that it had been said in a different context. I was reading about gaslighting a couple of years ago and she immediately sprung to mind. After a couple of years Casey moved out and went to live in her boyfriend's home town (about 200 miles away). Louise and I stayed in the house (we moved our boyfriends in)

When Casey moved out we agreed to put our differences behind us. I emailed/texted her a few times but she never replied. Then Louise asked me would it be okay for Casey to visit for the weekend. I agreed. When Casey came neither of us mentioned the emails/texts and I explained to Louise that as far I was concerned Casey was here to visit Louise, Louise was responsible for Casey being in the house. A few months later later it was Casey birthday, she invited mutual friends to hers to celebrate. I was not invited. I wished her happy birthday (facebook) and let her get on with it. When it was my birthday I didn't get anything from her.

Eventually Louise and I ended the house share and moved into our own flats with our boyfriends. Not long after I became pregnant. During the whole of my pregnancy and when DS was born I never heard a peep from Casey. Then when DS was about three months old Louise organised getting us all together one weekend. We agreed to meet up for Sunday lunch. A few days before I received a gushing email from Casey, congratulating me on DS's birth, how beautiful he was, how much she was looking forward to catching up with me and meeting DS. I was a bit shocked but I sent a friendly reply.

There were about 14 people at the meal. Casey pretty much ignored us. Afterwards we were in the beer garden and Casey keep standing near to us, waving her cigarette around and flicking ash (some landed on DS) we kept moving around the beer garden to get away from her. After about the 3rd time of it happening, DP and I decided to go home (rather than cause a scene).

I didn't see Casey for about four years. I wished her happy birthday on Facebook, liked her status/photos but I never received anything back. Over those four years I got on with my life, lots of things happened and unless someone mentioned Casey or I saw something on Facebook I never really thought about her.

Last year Louise had a party (it was a few weeks after my birthday) out of the blue Casey wished me happy birthday over Facebook. I admit I was a bit hmm. I went to party on my own and I wasn't drinking. I chatted to Casey - everything was fine. Louise gave me a belated birthday card which all of our mutual friends had signed (which I thought was lovely) except Casey. I put it down on the coffee table and went into the kitchen, whilst in there I got talking to another friend. From there I saw Casey pick the card and fling it across the living room. It landed between the sofa and wall. I decided to leave it, again I didn't want to create a scene, and I picked it up at the end of the night. At that point I believe Casey didn't know I had seen what happened.

I was going to forget about it, but the next morning I mentioned it to DP, he was stunned and the only explanation I could think of was that she must really hate me going back to when we lived together. I also spoke to a couple of friend who don't know Casey or Louise and they thought she was horrible person who seems insecure and jealous about things. My view was it's been at least 7 years since we lived together and I can't be arsed with this grudge holding that she has and also I have no trust in her now. I deleted and blocked her on Facebook. I spoke to DP about it, the conversation went along the lines of "Casey hates me, your partner, the mother of your child, she's been destructive towards me and I don't want her knowing anything about my life".

After that we never spoke about her again until a few weeks ago. DP mainly goes on Facebook on his phone. He was looking through it on evening and showed me a photo, it was of Casey and another man that neither of us knew (as far as we knew Casey was still living with her boyfriend, no kids). DP then quickly explained that he hasn't got the facility on his phone to delete her (I found it difficult to delete her on the IPad, needed to go through the laptop to do it).

I haven't had an easy pregnancy. Tbh it been a physical and emotional roller coaster. I'm 16 weeks and still feeling rough at times. On Monday afternoon I just felt sick and then fell asleep for an hour. That evening a friend posted a photo on Facebook and Casey was part of it. In the past I've usually just scrolled on whenever she's come up on my newsfeed like that, but that evening I could have stuck pins in her eyes (I blame the hormones) in the end I hid the photo. But it got me thinking, at the moment we haven't announce my pregnancy on Facebook (waiting for 20 week scan) I deleted Casey because I didn't want her to know what was going on in my life but if DP doesn't delete her she going to find out our good news directly from one of us. (She probably wouldn't congratulate anyway) Most of our mutual friends know we don't have a good relationship and a couple know about what happened last year, it's eventually bound to get back to her and that fine, I feel really strongly that I don't want her to share our joy. Also DP doesn't like her very much, he finds her quite high maintenance, and immature. He didn't like the way she behaved when we lived together.

So AIBU to ask DP to delete Casey from Facebook if he wants to announce my pregnancy and put scan photos up?

Thanks for reading my essay.

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 09:28:42

I'm just surprised she's still on his friends list given everything she's done and that he doesn't even like her. You have to ask him to delete her? It hasn't occurred to him to not have an unpleasant person that he doesn't like and who treats his partner with contempt on his FB?

No. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him if he actually wants her on his FB and if the answer is no, to suggest that he takes 30 seconds to pop onto a laptop or pc and delete her.

I don't blame you for just removing her from your life. It sounds like the worst teenage drama ever and what adult can actually be bothered with that? I was exhausted just reading it. It would depress the crap out of me to have to live it. I am not surprised you want as much distance as you can get.

I sometimes use fb on my phone. You can scroll down to the bottom and it says full site or desktop site or something like that. If you click on that, it gives you full functionality.

WowserBowser Thu 31-Jul-14 09:30:36

Well if he dislikes her any way, then yeah, just ask him to delete her.

This seems like a massive deal because you've let it fester for years. Just write it off. She's a turd. Concentrate on your happy life.

Pancakeflipper Thu 31-Jul-14 09:38:15

I wouldn't stress about this. You and Casey do not get on. You don't contact each other. You rarely sed each other. She will find out one day probably that you were pregnant again if not by FB, through mutual friends.
What does it matter? She won't be commenting to you about it so can you not just draw a line and get on with your life instead of dwelling on this.

From your version she has an issue with you cos she gets on with Louise and others ok. You can waste loads of time wondering why etc. But I would not bother - get on with your life.

sezamcgregor Thu 31-Jul-14 09:39:19

That was such a long read for such an obvious answer.

If you don't want her knowing about your lives, then delete and block her. I say block because otherwise, she'll see when mutual friends comment on your pictures/status updates.

She sounds a total twat and you don't need that kind of "friend".

She sounds like a complete tit.

Ask him to delete her then put the nasty moose out of your head and never think of her again.

Sorted.

HibiscusIsland Thu 31-Jul-14 09:42:46

So you haven't asked him to delete her yet and are asking whether you should? Have I understood? If so then yes, just ask him to delete her and see what he says. I don't really understand why you need to ask us before asking him.

Casey sounds jealous of the OP to me. I'd have block her long ago.

scarletforya Thu 31-Jul-14 09:53:54

Yeah, tell him to delete her and stop giving her head space yourself.

AlleyCat11 Thu 31-Jul-14 09:57:30

I don't think his being friends with her is anything to worry about. Men just don't think about these things. But if it's an issue for you, then ask him to delete her.
As far as scan photos on FB go... I think it's fine to announce a pregnancy yourself, but the baby should not be on social media before it's even born.

FannyFifer Thu 31-Jul-14 10:00:36

Christ you are thinking far to much about this, I would have deleted, nay blocked her years ago.

Just tell your DH to block her & you do the same, problem solved, no big deal, life's to short for that kind of pish.

PickleMyster Thu 31-Jul-14 10:04:04

Thanks for your replys.

Just to clarify, I have blocked her, I did it after the party last year, which means I don't get to anything that she writes on mutual friends status/photos, but unfortunately if a mutual friend puts a photo on facebook of her I still get to see it.

When the incident happened last year DP and I did speak about it but I didn't ask him directly to delete her, I left that up to him. He is a very busy man, works long hours and the odd time that he does go on the laptop at home that isn't work related he isn't thinking about working out the miles per gallon of a people carrier her wants to by, or looking at the best deals for lawn mowers etc.

The unfortunate thing is Casey and I share a lot of mutual friends and whilst I don't think any of them will say 'guess what Pickle is pregnant/had another baby' she is likely to overhear someone talking about it. And tbh I am fine about that (you can't hide a baby) but there is something etching at me that I don' t want her to find out directly from DP. I feel quite angry that she's had direct access to information about DS that's been on DP's Facebook page. (Don't know if it's the hormones and/or tiger mother in me)

Nicknacky Thu 31-Jul-14 10:04:14

Is your husband even going to put scan photos on it? I don't know anyone who has done that, my H included.

indigo18 Thu 31-Jul-14 10:04:35

So much thinking and stressing about someone you rarely see and don't care about. friends come and go. Delete, tell DH to delete and get on with your life.

PickleMyster Thu 31-Jul-14 10:05:42

Sorry he isn't thinking about Casey, he's thinking about cars and lawnmowers

indigo18 Thu 31-Jul-14 10:06:55

You do sound as though you are irked by DH's contact with Casey through facebook. Do you think he doesn't realise what a pain in the arse you think she is?

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 10:10:45

Do you feel he is being disloyal to you by maintaining a FB friendship with her?

PickleMyster Thu 31-Jul-14 10:19:51

Vital

A little bit. I'm not the type of person to tell anyone who to be friends with. And as far as I know there is no communication between them on FB, they can just see each other's profiles and what ever status/photos that are put up.
He's his own person it's up to him if what he tell people about himself. I don't have a problem with him telling people he knows but I don' t that I am pregnant/had a baby but there is just something about giving someone who has been a complete cow to me direct information about me that is making me feel angry.

FannyFifer Thu 31-Jul-14 10:39:22

Just go on his Facebook & delete her, he prob wouldn't even notice.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 31-Jul-14 10:43:14

Op by your blow by blow account of this Casey, you seem too invested in her life for what seems like you were never friends to start with, just roommates.
A mammoth post, which is an easy fix. Just ask dp to delete, its not difficult. And then move on With your life.

Nicknacky Thu 31-Jul-14 10:45:35

Do NOT go onto his facebook and delete her! It's not the point if he doesn't notice. I would be less than happy if my H went onto my twitter and deleted people he didn't like.

NickiFury Thu 31-Jul-14 10:46:22

That's exactly what I was going to say. Even if he notices he will think she deleted him.

queenofthemountain Thu 31-Jul-14 10:54:50

I am sorry to say but I think you are losing a bit of perspective here.I can't understand why all this is eating away at you so much.She doesn't sound as though she particularly likes you, and is just staying in contact so that it isn't awkward with mutual friends.That is no big deal .We can't all like everyone.
I am not sure why she invokes such strong feelings in you (wanting to stick pins in her eyes).She probably won't even be interested in your pregnancy. Can I just ask how old you are OP? you sound very young (that isn't supposed to be rude or patronising) just a bit unworldly.

PickleMyster Thu 31-Jul-14 11:02:48

coffee

The reason I gave a 'blow by blow account' was to explain her behaviour towards me otherwise people would have been accusing me of drip feeding.
Between DS being born and last year's incidence I very rarely gave her a second thought, but was friendly with her when needed. (That is mentioned in the OP)

I am not a controlling bossy mere who tells people to do this/don't do that (unless it's making my life difficult) so for me to actually ask DP to delete/block someone is alien to me. Thanks for the posters who got it, I am going to speak to DP, tell him how I am feeling and ask him to delete/block.

WowserBowser Thu 31-Jul-14 12:37:50

Good plan. Best of luck Pickle

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