Is my partner wrong?(32 Posts)
Hi everyone in writing this as I don't know where to turn anymore. I have a 2 month old beautiful son with my partner of 8 years. We have a house together, he pays for most things as I am on maternity. Recently I've been feeling really low as I feel my partner is bullying me. As I am the one who is in the relationship I always question myself as to whether I'm just being silly, I thought some third party perspective may put things more clear for me to make a decision. Here's an example of my partners behaviour; he is really nice when he wants to be but gets angry at the slightest thing, like once I was wrapping cheese in foil to put in the fridge, I ripped the foil with my hands instead of using the cardboard provided and he started saying 'your a fucking idiot' and got really angry with me. He has never hit me but things like this happen on a daily basis and he makes me feel really stupid. He often punches walls and doors which doesn't hurt me physically but is really intimidating! Just yesterday we stopped to get a sandwich and I went into the shop. They didn't have what he wanted so I ordered him something else I thought he might like. No! He got angry with me and said asked in a horrible tone 'do you not know me at all?!' He ranted on for ages threw the sandwich and left me in my car in tears. He never said sorry or acknowledged that it was not nice what he did, instead just acted normal that night and was nice to me and kept saying 'are you ok?' I was scared to bring it up because I knew he would have just made out it was my fault. Is this wrong or am I just being stupid? I keep thinking I just can't live on my own with a small baby... Should I leave him? He's great with the baby. His dad treats his mum like this and she just takes it. She laughs it off as if it's normal. His behaviour has got worse recently, I think it's because he thinks I need him, considering he pays for the car and house. These are just examples of what he is like, I'm constantly getting shouted at, talked down to and ridiculed makes me really upset and he never feels guilty at all, just acts like 'I I wasn't so stupid he wouldn't have to be like this'
Leave. You don't have to live like this. Do you have somewhere to go?
That's awful. He's abusing you. I agree - leave!
He is wrong. He is abusive. This isn't normal. You deserve better than to live with this, as does your son.
He sounds horrible.
What kind of influence is he on your baby? Is this how you want your son to turn out?
Perhaps just have a think about the advantages of this man being in yours and your sons life and the disadvantages. If you do decide to leave him plan it very carefully. It sounds like he is the type of person who would get very nasty.
Get all relevant documents, financial details, passports etc. set up something in advance.
What was he like a year ago? Exhaustion can send anyone a bit loopy - but he is acting appallingly. There's no way my DH gets away with being awful without a grovelling apology. And when I am awful to him I apologise because I have been not nice to him at times.
Newborns are hard work, but has your husband always been hard work?
Being a great dad includes being nice and supportive to your child's mum.
How awful for you. Completely unacceptable behaviour on his part, even if modelled on his father. Might be worth posting on relationships board for advice too?
He is behaving very badly
You have a small child and are probably at your most vulnerable, and he is behaving in an intimidating and threatening way.
He should never call you names. Let alone make you feel scared
It is not you, it's him.
I think you should seek advice from a trusted professional - GP, Health Visitor (domestic abuse often arises during pregnancy or early parenthood), or call Womens Aid
I also think you could ask MN to move this to the Relationships topic - not because you'll get bad advice on here, but you'll get it quicker, by people with more experience on there.
Sounds like he had a very poor relationship model in his parents, but that's not really a good enough excuse for you to put up with it.
However, if you don't tell him it's unacceptable he's not necessarily going to know, is he - so tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and abusive, and if he doesn't change, you're off. It might surprise him to realise that it's not normal - not everyone is automatically aware that this sort of behaviour is wrong, sadly.
He is being abusive, the hitting walls, doors etc is him showing his violence in a way designed to intimidate you.
Please consider speaking to women's aid, they can provide you with some advice and support. If you stay, then your son will begin to think that the is how men are supposed to behave.
I think he probably knows
I think he should not be warned or he'll apply more pressure
As a rule of thumb when questioning your own sanity like this, ask yourself the question, 'does he or would he talk/behave like this with anyone else?'
You have your answer.
What would your parents say if they knew he treated you like this? Could you move in there while you sort out finances?
I am worried about your safety, and your mental health. You need to seek help in RL quickly.
But why do you think that, Newt? Do you know him? It's clear that his behaviour is abusive, I'm not disputing that - but if it's all he knows, and he's not that bright, why would he innately know that it's not the way relationships work? Not everyone does! That's why some abused children go on to abuse, and others go on to make sure that their children are kept as safe as can be - some don't know any better, some know it was wrong.
You have had your self esteem ground down to nothing.
You won't know your own mild.
You will be constantly worrying about what you say in order not to piss him off but somehow do so any way.
He will use techniques such as gas lighting, constant questioning and finances to bully you.
When I left a relationship like this my baby was about to turn one. I was homeless, a weeping wreck. I turned to my friends and family for help.
He still tries to control me now but I ignore it. I can't report it as its very clever emotional abuse. It has taken me nearly five years not to be ground down.
Its easy to say leave. So instead I say please speak to friends unless he's isolated you from them?
Thank you for all your replies, you have helped me see the situation as it actually is. In my head though 'he's not that bad' and there are lots of good things, he's really helpful at times and gives me everything I want. He's great with our son. It's just me he takes everything out on, he doesn't even know he's doing anything wrong but he's a nasty man at times. If I tell you this you will all go 'oh god this girl needs to get a grip' which I do but he went to prison last summer and I feel bad saying it but I had the best summer of my life, living free on my terms doing what I wanted! Not that I was going around doing bad things I just enjoyed not having to worry about doing things his way. He was really nice to me on all my prison visits and for a while after he was released. Now u may have painted a picture of him in your head as I would have done the same but he is nothing like what u imagine. He is very clever and I think this helps with his manipulation of me, he senses when I have had enough and starts being extremely nice then I always feel bad. But enough is enough I'm definitely going to leave. I can't just walk out tomorrow though, because of our son I need to setup a stable environment first make sure I have everything my son needs. Then I will leave yay thanks go all your support!!
Glad you are seeking support and seeing things more clearly. He does not sound like a catch Sarah to put it mildly. Please be careful though and I second putting this in Relationships, there are some amazingly wise people there.
If it had started when dc was born I'd say be wary but it might just be the readjustment and life with a newborn and stress but it sounds like it's been going on forever and this situation will probably not improve or even may get worse.
I agree with pp that you should ltb - find your resolve and try to detach from what he is doing while you make an exit plan - as he isn't violent you aren't in immediate danger so can make sure you get all your ducks in a row wrt finances, benefits, talking to the right agencies and organisations such as women's aid and making your move with dc as smooth as is possible - if you decide to ltb whenever he is being abusive you can think "whatever dipshit at least. this is only for x weeks" - knowing that you are going and it will be over might help in the meantime
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