In telling friend's child not to do something?

(65 Posts)
Booboostoo Wed 30-Jul-14 16:32:09

This is a bit long but I don't want to drip feed.

We are friends with a couple who have a 4yo and a 2yo. DP and I went to school with the husband. Last time DP happened to see them without me and they raised concerns with him about my breast feeding our 3yo. DP didn't say exactly what they said but since they chose not to discuss it directly with me I did not bring it up with them. I am not militant or judgey about bf, it's just something I do with my DD and if people want to discuss it I am happy to otherwise I don't bring it up.

We saw them again last Sunday and I was sitting next to their 2yo for lunch. At some point she used her fork to prick my hand. I looked to her parents and they seemed to not have noticed because they were talking. Then she pricked my hand twice more and since no one reacted I said to her that we don't prick people with forks because it makes aou aou (with a nice calm voice and a smile). She then pricked her food and looked at me so I said well done that's what forks are for, then she pricked the plate and looked at me so I said that is fine, then a wallet that is OK, etc. I thought we were having fun and communicating. Then her dad said don't do that, so the next time she did it and looked at me I said daddy said not to do that and that was the end.

When they left DP asked me why I had upset our friends by disciplining their child and was it because I wanted to get back at them for the bf critiques. WTF? AIBU to think there was nothing to get upset about? And I certainly didn't do it in retaliation for a perceived slight! I only said something because no one else had noticed and I thought that pricking people with a fork was probably not a good habit to get into.

Did they really have the issue? Or did your OH assume they had one?

No, Id personally be more annoyed if a friend saw my DS doing something naughty or unkind and didn't inform him not to do it, if however they actually chose to discipline him in a way I'm not comfortable with without my permission such as smacking, id get cross as they should have bought it to me, but to simply say no we don't do that... You didn't do anything wrong at all.

picnicbasketcase Wed 30-Jul-14 16:37:14

'My asking your child not to stick cutlery into people's skin has literally nothing to do with your opinions on extended breastfeeding. I just didn't appreciate her poking me with a fork and since you didn't stop her, I thought I should.'

Sianilaa Wed 30-Jul-14 16:37:38

YANBU!

Did they say something to your DH about it?

FrankSaysNo Wed 30-Jul-14 16:38:50

Were your friends actually upset or did your DP think they were upset? A world of difference.

FWIW I have a friend with an horror of a child. I could go on for hours about him - but this is your thread! And Yes I do discipline him as much as you can discipline someone elses child when you have no consequences to give. She doesn't say much, she thinks anything he does is cute

What picnic said.

Did your DH think you should have accepted being constantly pricked with a fork? [Hmm]

Had they mentioned to your dh that they were miffed at you telling the 2 year old not to prick your hand?

I'M thinking that you did the right thing and your dh is a bit of a nelly for not backing you up.

NewtRipley Wed 30-Jul-14 16:43:42

I don't think what you did was wrong.

Your DH is entitled to think what he thinks (the two events happened close together), but since the other parents don't have a problem with it, I don't see why he would have a problem with it

Groovee Wed 30-Jul-14 16:53:07

Did one of them tell your dh that they were upset that you asked their daughter not to hurt you?

If your dh has an issue with it instead, I'd be asking him to sit down and work it out.

Booboostoo Wed 30-Jul-14 17:01:39

They didn't say anything directly, but DP said it was obvious they were upset and I didn't realise it because I am not good at reading social situations. I'll give the DP the last point, I do misread social situations sometimes but it's not something I do on purpose or to upset people. I am very conscious that other people have different parenting styles and wouldn't criticise but if, for example, they asked me directly about bf I would tell them the truth, I wouldn't hide what I was doing to make them feel better.

Thumbwitch Wed 30-Jul-14 17:04:56

You did nothing wrong. If they chose to be offended by you telling their DD to refrain from poking you with a sharp instrument, then there is something wrong with them, not you.

That's if they were actually offended and it's not your DH being overly sensitive!

Honestly though - you were fine.

Id be very suprised if they really had an issue it does sound much more likely your DH is being over sensitive or paranoid about it

MrsWinnibago Wed 30-Jul-14 17:05:53

YANBU. I told a small boy "No...we don't kick dirt at people" the other day as he was kicking up dusty dirt on a path and it was going on me...his Mum smiled at me ruefully when she saw from a distance and then came to say "No kicking dirt"

If another adult is reasonable about telling a child not to do something then there's no problem!

I think your dh is being a bit of a tit and being a stirrer.

Firstly he relays a conversation about their 'concerns' about your extended bfing but doesn't elaborate and now he is saying you've upset them by gently reprimanding their dd yet they said nothing.

It's not you, it's him.

Too many being in that first sentence blush

OneDreamOnly Wed 30-Jul-14 17:10:40

We'll if an adult was hurting you, whatever the way, you would tell them wouldn't you? So why shouldn't you say it to a child? Especially if the parents haven't noticed?

It looks to me that said child WAS gauging your reaction to see if they could get away with it and you reacted calmly and well to it (I would have been much more straight forward and abrupt!)

As for the 'retaliation' ... Nope can't see any relation in there. What was your DH expecting you to do in these circumstances? Were you suppose to let the child hurting you?

MiscellaneousAssortment Wed 30-Jul-14 17:12:14

You told a small child to stop pricking you with a fork - what's wrong with that?! And it sounds like you did it in a gentle learning kind of way vs a 'no, naughty!' kind of way.

I think your DP is projecting in some way - either by imagining you are retaliating, or he's siding with the friends in some way. I wouldn't worry about the friends and focus on getting to the bottom of where your DP is coming from...

OneDreamOnly Wed 30-Jul-14 17:12:47

And if that 2yo was doing that to one of your dc, should you also have said nothing as to not embarrassed the parents?

God i would have been embarrassed if I had missed my dc behaving that way and I had missed it !

Branleuse Wed 30-Jul-14 17:15:43

i think your dh is being a shitstirrer.

Branleuse Wed 30-Jul-14 17:16:28

is it your dp that has convinced you that you cant read social situations?

Panzee Wed 30-Jul-14 17:17:51

Sounds like your husband is the problem, not your friends.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 30-Jul-14 17:17:58

Do you really misread social situations?

I don't count being pricked with a fork a misreading.

SolomanDaisy Wed 30-Jul-14 17:18:28

The normal response to your child pricking someone with a fork is somewhere on the scale of mild embarrassment to mortified. It is not to be angry that the person they hurt stopped them. Either these people are monumental twats or your husband is using them as a way to criticise you. Does he support you breast feeding?

pigsDOfly Wed 30-Jul-14 17:18:43

So your DH is saying it would have been better for you to have sat there and let this child poke a sharp fork into your hand without saying anything in case you offended the child's parents?

Does he often has strange ideas like that OP.

Of course you were right to say something, why would you not.

And what the hell has it got to do with anyone else how long you bf your child.

Only1scoop Wed 30-Jul-14 17:21:36

Sounds like it's your dh that was annoyed not them.

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