(37 Posts)
Gangie Wed 30-Jul-14 15:20:06

Hi Guys,

I need some help with a little dilemma Im facing. So as not to drip feed - the background is:

Together 6 years, 2 children (almost 4yrs & 18mths) Very happy, loved up and definitely committed. We share everything including all our money - our family is very much a 'one pot' when its comes to money and decision making is generally done together. I want to get married. He wants to get married, when we can afford it. I think he thinks I would need an engagement ring worth 2/3k. I would like it, but actually not that bothered as long as I like the ring.

We have been through some very lean times the last 3-4 years, we are in Ireland and he works in construction so his work has been sporadic. However things are picking up - and I am back at work now after being home with the babies for the past 3 years.

I dont want to have a huge wedding but I dont want it to be super tight budget either - not traditionally ceremony. 2 of my sisters are engaged and both are getting married in 2016. I want to get married next year before we consider another baby, also cant expect my family to be able to afford to go to 3 weddings in the one year, so the way I see it is we either get married next year or in 2017 which is too far away (Im 34 as it is...)

So the burning question - I have found a ring I LOVE! Its second hand, have seen receipt for 1,700 I can get it for €600. Its really unusual, a 3 piece set so it includes the wedding band, and to me it represents the past, present & future. My dilemma is whether to show him this ring or not? I dont want to emasculate him (please dont jump on the feminist bandwagon, we are definitely an equal couple in all other respects but I know that he would prefer to do the 'asking') but......a)he will never be able to save enough to buy a new ring without me knowing as we use joint account. b) I doubt he would propose to me without a ring, c) the time restraint means that in order to have a wedding this time next year we would want to be making plans now....

Also I have an idea in my head that if we did get engaged I wouldnt tell anyone straight away, I want to book the date & venue and send out invites, I think this is a quirky way to announce our engagement/wedding, after 2 children and 6 years together I dont think it will comes as any surprise to anyone, and its a bit different than engagement party then 'save the date' then invites ifswim.

So oh wise ones.......AIBU?

CMOTDibbler Wed 30-Jul-14 15:29:01

YANBU - talk to him, tell him you've found a great ring deal, and would like to book a wedding for next year, what about it.

DH and I worked out all the details of our wedding before we told anyone we were engaged. Worked great for us as no one could argue about it either!

EllaFitzgerald Wed 30-Jul-14 15:32:29

If things are only just picking up now, will you be in a position to pay for a non super tight budget wedding in only 12 months? Would he rather save and have it in 2017?

I think the best thing for you to do would be to discuss it with him. Tell him you want to set a date and work out your finances together, and then tell him you've seen a ring that you really like.

MissMooMoo Wed 30-Jul-14 15:53:50

I asked my dp to marry doesnt have to be one sided, dont wait around for him because he may never actually do it! tell him you have found a ring you love and you would like it to be your engagement ring, talk about planning a wedding.
we bought my ring together, I chose it and I love the way we got engaged.

Gangie Wed 30-Jul-14 15:59:44

Eek!! Im scared! I don't want to think back and realise that I forced him....but on the other hand if I wait for him I could be waiting forever!

Wrt paying for the wedding, in sure by this time next year we could save 5k that's surely plenty for a small wedding? I have no issue buying a 2nd hand dress (actually buy most of my clothes in charity shops and I'm the best dressed in my office grin)

What if he feels that Iv ruined it for him? I need to man up don't i???

Id drop hints but leave it there personally, I think it comes across as pushy and takes the romance out of it otherwise (sorry)

Clarabell33 Wed 30-Jul-14 16:53:43

Can you show it him saying that this is the sort of ring you love? A friend found her perfect ring on a vintage jewellery website and showed her boyfriend - the context was that she was helping me pick my engagement ring (DH proposed without one as he couldn't decide) and we were looking at all sorts of different styles, and she'd found one she liked and was showing him the sorts I liked versus her preferences. She genuinely wasn't hinting, but turns out he bought it as he proposed with it (quite a few months later). She was shocked (in a good way!) and it was really lovely that he'd paid attention (not to mention removing any worry he might have had about choosing a ring for her).

CharlieSierra Wed 30-Jul-14 17:04:25

See I think if you are together with 2 children and you want to get married, you should just set a date and get married. The whole proposal and getting engaged thing isn't that relevant if you've come this far together surely? I'm with MissMooMoo.

TotorosImaginaryFriend Wed 30-Jul-14 17:50:37

Show him the ring. Can't fathom why you wouldn't when you obviously love it. Shocked at the expected 2-3k for an engagement ring, that seems crazy.

TotorosImaginaryFriend Wed 30-Jul-14 17:52:41

Also what CharlieSierra said. We have 2 DC and been together for a few years, just sent out an email saying we were doing it on such and such a date.

Staryyeyedsurprise Wed 30-Jul-14 17:53:19

Ah do it smile

ChatEnOeuf Wed 30-Jul-14 17:55:50

I'd show him, tell him it's your dream ring and he absolutely has to get it for you. Then start planning!

indigo18 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:47:50

And tell us what happens.... please!

ToddleWaddle Wed 30-Jul-14 19:54:44

Can you really get married for 5000 Euro in Ireland?
Thought weddings were incredibly expensive there??

ToddleWaddle Wed 30-Jul-14 19:55:21

Oh agree just tell him about the ring. I'm sure he would be happy if you are.

Gangie Wed 30-Jul-14 19:56:56


Iv a wedding to organise!!!!gringringringringringringringringringrin

CMOTDibbler Wed 30-Jul-14 19:58:07


ruth1104 Wed 30-Jul-14 20:00:52

I would discuss all the thoughts you've had about when and where to get married before bringing up the ring, see how he reacts. If he'd always assumed he'd do the asking (because that's basically what you're doing) it might be the straw that breaks his feeling of having a say! And surely the wedding matters more than the ring? (Btw if you're planning a small wedding I think it would be ok to get married the same year as your sisters IMHO)

Gangie Wed 30-Jul-14 20:01:00

They are toddlewaddle but only if you do the whole big Irish wedding thing and invite all the cousins. My sister spent 22k on her first wedding.....didn't last the year. confused

We will have a smallish civil ceremony on our 7th anniversary next August the 7th!! gringringringrin

Finney2 Wed 30-Jul-14 20:02:05

Ah that's lovely. I hope you are not too shocked by how much weddings cost

Best of luck for the future smile

WaitMonkey Wed 30-Jul-14 20:04:21

Congratulations. thanks Please update with lovely wedding plan's. smile

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 20:04:52

I would say, tell him everything you just posted. See what he thinks. You sound like a very happy couple and family Congratulations.

Gangie Wed 30-Jul-14 20:05:06

Finney - il worry about that later! We will have to cut our cloth accordingly! Il make my own cake (made my best friends last year) second hand dress.....Not bothered about fancy cars - my friend will do the flowers, I'd say my parents will help a little too. Super excited!!! Thanks guys!!!

ecuse Wed 30-Jul-14 20:17:36

Congratulations, that's lovely grin

Leviticus Wed 30-Jul-14 20:21:04

But are you getting that ring? Congratulations!

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