To cut contact with exh even though we have children?

(26 Posts)
pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 12:42:16

History of unreported abuse.
He does not pay towards kids and never has.
He stopped doing contact a couple of years ago because he finds it 'too difficult'.
He has skype/email/free phone for children but has never used it.
He only uses the kids method of contact (an email) to tell me how bad he is feeling, how he would be dead if it was not for us, how his life is shit. If he has a problem relating to anything from past (we both had some debt as a result of job loss and his recklessness) he expects me to tell him how to sort it all out even though its his.

I am not free of him and I hate it. He does not contact at all for 6 months at a time some times more.

I have never prevented contact, he has not bothered. His reason for getting in touch seems to be a method of control.

So if I were to just shut down or ignore his methods of contact and he did go to court would the Judge look badly on this based on the fact he find's contact 'too difficult' and has not bothered in years.

just as a foot note there is no court order in place, I am not stopping contact as he does not come anyway.
If he lost that control of us he would likely go to court and show what a victim he is of his terrible ex or he may try to contact my family.

sezamcgregor Wed 30-Jul-14 12:46:41

Can you just make no effort to get in touch with him?

6 months is a long time to not see your children/your dad.

I really do feel for you OP thanks

pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 12:52:55

I don't anymore.
It is always him contacting out of the blue when something bad happens in his life, never about the children. He missed Christmas and their birthday's with no contact or message then suddenly will send an hysterical email when something in his life goes wrong with his MH, girlfriend, bills whatever.

He has not seen the children in FOUR years.

NynaevesSister Wed 30-Jul-14 12:53:01

You need to get legal advice. Have you checked in the Legal or Relationships forums?

When you go to court the judge will want to know when he last had contact with his kids, and what methods he has had contact, and how much of an effort he has made.

If he has had plenty of opportunities, and you have months possibly years worth of email correspondence between the two of you clearly showing that he did not ask for contact, then I totally fail to see what you are worried about.

A judge won't care one whit what sob story this guy has. The judge will want facts and corroboration.

NynaevesSister Wed 30-Jul-14 12:54:44

So yes stop contact. You're not obliged. The judge only wants to see that you have not prevented contact.

pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 13:04:34

His messages will occasionally contain asking when they are off school so he can see them but he never arranges anything or when I have in the past tried to arrange something he has agreed to it and said he will be in touch to confirm but has not. Until he messaged last week about something not related to the children I had not heard from him at all since November.
He always blames money reasons but seems to have enough for other extravagants.
He did see them regularly at first until he got a new life then did not come.

His message in November was basically that he found it too difficult to see the dc and that is probably why he had not come in four years.

MimiSunshine Wed 30-Jul-14 13:05:32

Can you set up an auto response to the emails so he gets a message acknowledging the email (so you can never be accused of ignoring him) but not actually responding to his complaints? I don’t see why you have to if its never about the kids. You aren’t his therapist or sounding board.

If he ever asks why you don’t respond just say you didn’t ask about the children so i didn’t see what the rest of it had to do with me. If he calls divert to VM and call / text him back if its about the children if not ignore.

pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 13:12:59

Can I just confirm that I do not need to have any contact with him at all now we are divorced unless it is related to the children?

TheCunkOfPhilomena Wed 30-Jul-14 13:21:30

I would state that in an e-mail so that you have a record of it.

Also, contact the new CSA thing to get him to pay maintenance. He should be contributing, even if it's £5 a week that your children can have as pocket money or out into a bank account for them.

He really is a self centred arse isn't he?

pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 13:51:51

thanks, i meant is it definitely the case that the only contact legally I have to have with him is in relation to the kids?

OneDreamOnly Wed 30-Jul-14 13:56:15

Of course it is! Why on earth should you have to listen to him rant about anything and everything now that you are divorced?

Have you kept all the emails saying it's too difficult for him to see the dcs?
And thrones when he says he will confirm but never does?
Keep it all just it case so you can prove he isn't doing much at all for the dcs.
And ignore anything else.

Smo2 Wed 30-Jul-14 14:02:02

I've just blocked my ex from every avenue of communication....home phone, email, Skype apart from my own mobile. That way I can completely control how he gets in touch. He's a PITA, who sees the kids when he wants, arranges contact through them, not me...sends messages to them winding them up, and makes very unhelpful comments to them..which they often dwell on and are upset by. I've had enough. I advise you to do the same. xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 30-Jul-14 14:06:46

AFAIK you're not obliged to have any contact with him. I'd ignore his emails/calls from now on. Even if he got in touch asking to see the children, I'd want him to show some commitment first, eg a weekly letter for 3 months that you retain without reading to them.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 30-Jul-14 14:16:30

He's already stopped contact with his children, you don't have to actively do anything as he's already done it. Four years! Four whole years!

Ignore any emails that don't pertain to the children. Cut off all other forms of contact. As has been mentioned, you just need proof that you haven't prevented contact. An active email account does just that, most especially if he's using it to wail and moan to you about non-child-related bollocks.

Going from what you have said he sounds extremely unlikely to be the kind of man to go through the courts to enforce contact. Contact which he patently doesn't currently want.

RedorBlack Wed 30-Jul-14 14:33:35

Good grief, yanbu. You are the mother of his children not his agony aunt, bank manager, personal assistant, counsellor etc. respond to contact directly related to the children (and then only when a response is required eg how are they getting in at school - reply, I miss them waffle whinge - ignore) keep your responses short, polite & relevant to his child related question only, everything else you can ignore, sooner or later he'll get the message

pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 14:59:54

yes I have the email saying it was too difficult to see them.
Email saying he was suicidal
Email where he said he would be dead without us.

I have refused contact ONCE when he wanted them for weekend after not coming for years. Instead I offered day contact built up first. Children did not want to come overnight as they cannot even remember what he looks like.

I live my life on egg shells still and I am tired of it, its making me ill and it needs to stop!

Yup, just ignore. He's unlikely to kill himself, unfortunately, tossers like this may threaten to do it but actually completeing the job and getting out of your hair would be a step too helpful...

Do you have a friend or family member who would be willing (and trustworthy) to screen emails and pick out only the relevant contact information?

If so I'd tell him that from now on if he wants to make contact he needs to email (email set up especially for this) and they will pass on his request.

That way you don't have to look at the wanky stuff.

Someone should start an internet business doing it.

fifi669 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:40:34

In all honesty i'd completely ignore him. Even any mention of the kids. He's not really interested in them, you're not interested in him, what's the point?

I doubt he'd go to court, sounds like too much effort. Even of he did and got some contact through it you still wouldn't have to listen to him whine.

How old are the DC? Old enough to have their opinion taken note of in court?

pebbledbeaches Wed 30-Jul-14 15:42:48

Not really. Only really my parents and they want to kill him for what he has done to the children so not a good idea.

Maybe your right, great business idea

temporarilyjerry Wed 30-Jul-14 16:47:04

You could send him an email explaining that he should only contact you by email and then only to arrange contact. Then, as others have said, ignore. Why would you be interested in the details of his life?

hamptoncourt Wed 30-Jul-14 17:41:03

I would not contact him as this could spur him into making more regular contact.

People lose touch all the time. Just block him and if it ever comes to it say you changed your email address/mobile number/whatever.

It isn't illegal to block someone. If he really wanted to see them he could write you a letter so don't feel guilty.

deakymom Wed 30-Jul-14 22:39:15

dont answer any that dont pertain to the children he will get the idea x

pebbledbeaches Thu 31-Jul-14 10:47:53

Thanks everyone. Tbh if he did not know where my family lived I would just completely cut contact and not reply at all but my parents are unwell and could not cope with them turning up there.

Thefishewife Thu 31-Jul-14 10:57:57

Personally I would send one last email saying that

Unless you require direct information abou he children please do not contact me I have brought a pay as you go this is the number 777777777 if you need to speak to the children or arrange contact please phone but all calls or emails unrelated to the children or maintence will be ignored but logged.

And then do on engage

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now