Struggling with relationship of other half

(28 Posts)
minxy1969 Wed 30-Jul-14 12:17:33

This is a bit complicated but here goes. I met my other half 4 years ago. I have always wanted children. 8 months into the relationship he said he didn't want children but would support me if I decided to adopt or have sperm donation. It was a horrible year as my ex-partner hadn't wanted children either. I had been in agony not having children. To cut a long story short, I ended up going for sperm donation via IVF. I was so lucky that it worked first time and I had a baby girl 14 months ago who is my world. My partner and I stayed together and he became very involved with my daughter so much so he became her "dad". We got engaged last June which I was really happy about. However since Dec/Jan I have started to struggle with our relationship as i can get jealous of his relationship with her. I know it is childish but I want to be the favourite. In my heart it is me she comes to for comfort adn recently since starting nursery was very clingy with me. I loved this. know it is pathetic. She is now less clingy and goes to him as well. I struggle with this. Any advice on how to stop being so possessive? I haven't spoken to him about it at all as i know I am being irrationale. I know I have to put her best interests at heart but just need some advice......

Thank you

fluffyraggies Wed 30-Jul-14 12:23:50

Here's a friendly <slap>.

You're being daft about wanting to be the favorite. My love for my DCs has no detrimental effect on my love for my DH. Your DPs love for DD is not replacing any feelings he has/had for you.

Seeing him be a good dad strengthens our bond, for me. This is how it's meant to work. Not to be jealous of your kids!

MissPenelopeLumawoo Wed 30-Jul-14 12:28:12

I am confused. Are you jealous of his love for her, or her love for him, or both? Whose favourite do you want to be?

minxy1969 Wed 30-Jul-14 12:28:43

I know that. I don't know why I am struggling so much. I know I am being irrationale as well.

Squidstirfry Wed 30-Jul-14 12:43:33

This is completely irrational, however slightly understandable, as she not his Bio child, so you see her as "yours".
Also he was not so keen on DC in the first place, so part of you feels like he does not deserve equal love from her.

As you are getting married, he will actually be her dad. Do you trust him not to run off? You need to let your DD you both equally, this is for the best for all of you.

Squidstirfry Wed 30-Jul-14 12:44:25

*love (you both equally)

Mrsjayy Wed 30-Jul-14 13:27:10

Its normal for a toddler to favour 1 parent over another some times I think because you chose to have her on your own you are resenting the relationship she has with him , your baby isnt on this earth to make you feel loved though you should be happy she feels comfortable enough to want him your baby isnt your possession you allowed him tk be her dad you need to let him be her dad,

WhoDaresWins Wed 30-Jul-14 14:46:54

I don't think it's irrational - he didn't want kids so you had to go it alone and now he's getting to be daddy anyway. I expect you feel that he could have been her bio father after all? Does he have PR for her? Contribute financially?

WhoDaresWins Wed 30-Jul-14 14:47:34

Will he adopt her once you're married?

CarbeDiem Wed 30-Jul-14 15:19:49

Agree with what Mrsjayy said.
It's also normal for a child to favour one parent for different things too. For example, she might prefer him for playing with and need you for comfort/cuddles/sleep.
You are being a bit irrational. I can see the point that he initially didn't want dc and he's now reaping the rewards, so to speak but it shouldn't be held against him (not saying that you are). He obviously loves her and is her 'dad'.
Could you maybe speak to someone about how you're feeling, a counsellor perhaps - someone independent to talk though things.

NewtRipley Wed 30-Jul-14 15:25:06

I agree with WhoDaresWins

What did he mean when he said he would "support" you if you used a sperm donor?

Do you trust him?

sezamcgregor Wed 30-Jul-14 15:32:38

I don't understand that he doesn't want children but will be a father to a child that you conceived from a sperm donor.

Did I miss something?

NewtRipley Wed 30-Jul-14 15:34:20

sezam

Yes, that's what I don't understand. It seems to be a get-out. That is how I read it, but I don't know if I am missing something

sezamcgregor Wed 30-Jul-14 15:37:19

Usually when I hear about people that "don't want children" - it means that it's break up time - not time to get a sperm donation hmm

NewtRipley Wed 30-Jul-14 15:38:56

The other side of this : her apparent preference of him over you is common (I experienced this), but I'd guess it's complicated by the circumstances of her birth

CarmineRose1978 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:41:43

Could he have a genetic condition in his family that he was scared of passing on. I wonder?

NewtRipley Wed 30-Jul-14 15:42:09

Ah!

OutsSelf Wed 30-Jul-14 15:45:39

Another friendly slap from me, OP.

What do you think it means if she favours you? I think you really need to ask this question. For example, you might think that if she favours you, you must be a good mother. Or that you are lovable. Or that she needs to be loyal to you as the parent who really wanted her. Or whatever, you are the only person that answers it.

And whatever the answer is, you are wrong about it. Her favouring someone else does not mean the thing you think it means. You need to find another way to prove to yourself that you are a good mother, or that you were the one who wanted her, or that you are truly lovable. Because at the moment you want your tiny daughter to fulfil some unspoken need in your own life and its unfair and also unsatisfying in that you can not depend forever on her to fulfil this need in you. She loves you, the end. She is not responsible for your emotional wellbeing. If you make her responsible for it, you are setting an unhappy future for the both of you: her, always anxious that you aren't happy. You, always worried that the key to your happiness might grow up and move out. That won't work for either of you.

Lauren83 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:46:04

Carmine I thought that too

Congrats OP on your sucessful ivf

MorphineDreams Wed 30-Jul-14 15:48:32

So strange how he wanted to be in a relationship with you, not want a child but ready to bring up one you'd adopted or conceived via doner confused

Lauren83 Wed 30-Jul-14 15:56:28

Or was he worried about csa payments if you split?

QueenofallIsee Wed 30-Jul-14 16:23:23

He is hedging his bets so he has no financial responsibility to your DD! You didn't ask OP but you are crazy to want to marry this man. 2 of my sons are all for their Dad and I barely get a look in - you do learn to live with it

Preciousbane Wed 30-Jul-14 17:19:28

This is one of the oddest relationship scenarios I have ever heard of. My gut reaction is he doesn't want any financial responsibility if you break up.

What sort of financial assets do you both have?

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 30-Jul-14 17:22:53

Hi op

Is this more he didn't want kids or your kid at the time, but now she's here he's assumed the dad role and shares her effection?

I think it might be a point of contention for you that he seems to have moved the goal posts you've done the hard work and he's now daddy.

Infinity8 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:40:29

I think you have to suss out just how committed he really is to her.

I can get my head around the idea of not wanting kids but then when one actually arrives, changing his mind and loving the very real little girl who exists and isn't just an abstract idea. But is this how he feels?

For me whether I married him would hinge on whether he wants to adopt her and be a proper dad legally and financially or if he is just playing at being 'daddy' with no real commitment. If the latter is the case then he doesn't deserve her love and you should steer clear.

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