to want dp to get a better paid job and i stay pt

(73 Posts)
itispersonal Tue 29-Jul-14 13:25:06

Brief outline.

Been with Dp for 3 years have 1 dd who is 1yo. We are both early 30s. Dp has been in same job for 10 years which is a job I would class as a teenager job, sorry if that offends people and earns just over minimum wage. I work part time and earn almost as much as he does. I was also working part time when we met, had my own house and car whilst he rented and had no car.

Also my parents have been very very generous to me with giving me a large deposit for my current house which means my mortgage payments have been very small and so only needed to work part time (was also at uni as a mature student when bought the house) and have a degree where I can do supply work as and when I've needed / wanted to which pays well.

When I was pregnant offered Dp opportunity to be sahp and I work as I would earn more but he didnt want to do this.

However we are currently moving house as want more space, my parents are again giving us money to upscale and I am renting out my current house though renting it out cheap to Dp friend so don't have the hassle of agency fees, so not making a lot of profit on it.

I suppose I am now worrying about money, obviously we can afford to move and we will have a couple of hundred of pounds left each to buy stuff and treat ourselves. But we would struggle if had to replace car, boiler etc and would struggle to do that now. I think with the amount of money my parents have given me I feel we should be able to do nice holidays and not worry about things breaking and if dp got a slightly better job we would be able to do.

I feel if I went full time and Dp went part time in his we would still be tight financially. And if we both went full time my wages would be eaten into my nursery fees and my degree subject is in early years teaching and with the age our dd is I wouldn't want to be full time teaching other children when could/should be with my own.

I feel writing this I am very princessy which I am not and maybe even entitled and what a first world problem and I am fully aware people are in far worse situations and I see this with the part time work I do.

I am very careful with money and dont but myself expensive stuff but feel Dp needs to start being a bit more ambitious to provide more for the family, especially as he is wanting a second child soon too.

Firstly.
Rent your house out properly.
Get the proper market rate for it and make sure everything is done above board.
Experience on this site has taught many that letting to family/friends is just NOT worth the hassle in the end.

What sort of 'space' do you need?
Is your current property a flat with no garden?
Only 1 bedroom?

Please ensure you are covered legally for all your finances.
You do NOT want to have issues if you ever split from your OH.
Get some legal paperwork drawn up to keep yourself and DC protected!

Staryyeyedsurprise Tue 29-Jul-14 13:34:11

My instinct is that if you are the one who wants more money then you should be the one to earn it. Sorry.

I don't think this is about money really though is it - is it more about a lack of ambition/differnt priorities?

itispersonal Tue 29-Jul-14 13:35:43

We have legal paperwork being drawn up so deposit goes back to me or my daughter if we sell the house I die etc.

tellmeaboutstuff Tue 29-Jul-14 13:36:47

I agree with HellsBells, that you really need to make sure that everything that is yours is protected and covered.

I also agree with Staryeyed; it sounds as though you and your DP have very different priorities in life. He is happy coasting along whilst you are not. I totally understand how you feel. I would not want to be with someone with no ambition or aspirations.

BackforGood Tue 29-Jul-14 13:37:13

Agree with all HellsBells said.

Then, I'd say that you spend too much of your life at work to be doing something you don't want to do, so, if your dp enjoys his life, and you can afford it, then, why should he do something different ?
Some people are more 'driven' than others, and some people are more motivated by money / things than others, but ultimately, money/earning power isn't what drives everyone, so I'm not sure why he should change if he's happy with what he's doing.
I - like you - choose to work PT, as I like the work/life balance it gives me. I could earn more by working FT, but don't really want to. I see that as my decision (within the context that dh is doing a job he really enjoys, and we can afford to cover our bills comfortably enough).

Sirzy Tue 29-Jul-14 13:37:20

Is your DH happy in his job? Seems you want him to make sacrifices for you to stay part time.

Why not sell your other house to give you more money?

Vivacia Tue 29-Jul-14 13:37:55

I struggled at first to identify the actual problem. I don't know how to put this nicely, but it sounds a little as though your parents' financial support is leaving you living above your means. I'm not sure how or why though.

Fairylea Tue 29-Jul-14 13:37:55

What does your dp want to do? That's the key thing really.

We are in a similar situation - I met dh when I had a mortgage free home having worked in some very senior positions and been fortunate enough to be able to pay it off. He works in a minimum wage job. When we got married we remortgaged for his share (I used the money to purchase a house for my mother, long story) and he is effectively paying for his share while I am now a sahm. We both talked at length and I hated work and decided I had had enough and he wanted to work so it works fine. He is younger than me and wants to find a better paid job and hopefully he will in time. If he doesn't we can manage just as we are.

You need to really talk to your dp and find out what he thinks about everything and see where you are financially / house wise.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Tue 29-Jul-14 13:39:54

I think you're being a little tough on your DP. He has always been the same but now you want him to change for materialistic reasons and to support your family.

Did you discuss this before you started your family?

Viviennemary Tue 29-Jul-14 13:41:03

I'm afraid I agree with if you want more money then earn it yourself. Your DP is probably quite happy in the job he's in and what would be the point of a new job which might cause stress. I sympathise a bit though. As most people want more money. Don't be ambitious for somebody else, be ambitious for yourself.

Vivacia Tue 29-Jul-14 13:41:30

I've read the new posts and reread the earlier posts. Can someone explain it slowly to me please?(!).

The OP doesn't want to work full time whilst the children are young. She isn't. Her DP doesn't want to change jobs. He hasn't. Where is the problem?

TheCraicDealer Tue 29-Jul-14 13:43:01

YABU. I’m sure if he could simply just get a better paid job he’d do it. His lack of drive or ambition is unlikely to have appeared overnight, and yet you didn’t think it was such a massive concern when you decided to have a child with him.

You’re buying a second home (whilst retaining your previous property to rent to a tenant) out of choice. You’re not on the breadline. If you feel strongly that you want more disposible income then you should be the one to make that happen. Busting his balls because you don’t want to go FT right now doesn’t seem fair to me. I would however be very concerned about the legalities of what he’d be entitled to if you were ever to split up, especially in light of the contribution your parents have made.

Vivacia Tue 29-Jul-14 13:44:51

No! No, no, no to GIFs on MN!

itispersonal Tue 29-Jul-14 13:47:56

Dp openly admits he isn't an ambitious person and neither I am. Though I think mine is more lack of confidence.

He is fairly happy in his job, know when I've probed him he wants to do something different but doesn't know what. Both our jobs at the moment give us a good work life balance. He starts early and finishes early so he gets to spend more time with dd and me and I work 2 long days though I dispise my part time job but money is reasonable and allows a good work life balance.

So the problem isn't so much now but as the dd/children get older affording to take them out for day trips.

I do debate selling house but see it as a bit of a pension pot as dp will have at present a very small pension as he only pays 20pm to it. But also giving renting out the house 18 months and see how it goes.

Unfortunately dd was planned but happened 2/3 year early.

flowery Tue 29-Jul-14 13:49:25

Your parents have given you many (presumably) thousands of pounds for a "large" house deposit. You are accepting even more money from them now.

But it's still not enough money for you? confused

Sounds like never having to stand on your own two feet has left you feeling a bit entitled to stay part time even if you as a family can't afford it.

I don't know how much early years work pays but it doesn't strike me as being the kind of career one chooses if financial rewards are the ambition. It's obviously fine for both of you to have chosen work that doesn't bring in the big bucks but you have to then cut your cloth.

Did your DP previously say he wanted a different higher paying career and then change his mind or something?

The OP wants more money in the house is the problem.

I think your parents financial assistance has given you a false sense of what you can afford if you were doing it alone. You met your DP 7years into his job, did you ever discuss then that he wanted to train to do something else? Or was he happy as he was, getting by, little stress? I think a big discussion was missed out here.

If he doesn't want to do more/earn more etc... it is up to you. Nursery fees aren't forever. I kept working through because it's short term expense, when the DC are at school, it's all mine again! dreams

itispersonal Tue 29-Jul-14 13:53:01

Also I am doing more work to earn more money so we can have days out.

I work part time, do supply work and have another business venture which gives additional income it isn't to afford nice stuff and expensive holidays. Just a holiday aboard and not worry about things breaking.

Vivacia Tue 29-Jul-14 13:54:25

So the problem isn't so much now but as the dd/children get older affording to take them out for day trips.

But you have one more house than most people have. Sell the asset if you want more cash?

ssd Tue 29-Jul-14 13:55:32

Op, does your dp realise he is cut out if something happens to you?

redskybynight Tue 29-Jul-14 13:57:00

Reading this it strikes me that it is your parents financial support that has enabled you to live the lifestyle you do, rather than your own efforts (not many people can work part time and be home owners at such a young age). This doesn't show any great ambition to me - and yet you moan that DH is unambitious? I have to say I agree with others - if you want a better lifestyle then you need to strive towards it yourself, rather than expecting others to do it for you.

Staryyeyedsurprise Tue 29-Jul-14 13:57:34

I do understand where you're coming from OP. My husband has a decent wage - not mega bucks but respectable. He is lucky enough to be employed in a field in which he is interested and has good benefits from his employer. However, the only way his wage will increase is if he climbs the management ladder and he has absolutely no inclination to.

We're never going to be "rich" - we're ok moneywise but the likes of horses, private schools and holiday homes will never be in our reach unless I put them in our reach. I earn more than DH and have a higher earning potential too. But, like you, what we currently have gives us a great work/life balance.

Our options are for him to do a job he would resent as opposed to the job he does which for the most part he likes or for me to move to a more stressful role. We'd have more money but at what cost?

There's no right or wrong answer - there's trade offs and compromise. I do think it's important that you both have the same aims though, however you achieve them.

Vivacia Tue 29-Jul-14 13:58:11

Just a holiday aboard and not worry about things breaking.

Ok, I go back to my first comment, you are living beyond your means. If you don't have an emergency fund for the washing machine, then you don't have a foreign holiday this year. Or is that just me??

Where are these aspirations/pressures coming from?

Owllady Tue 29-Jul-14 13:59:48

I agree with vivacia, your parents keep propping you up in order to afford above your means is the problem? It's very nice of them though, would they like to adopt an adult daughter? grin

I don't know what your dp does but I would find it testing if I worked full time to contribute to the family and my contribution was talked about in a derogatory way. So I would bear your attitude in mind.

NatashaBee Tue 29-Jul-14 14:02:55

I think you both need to step up and think about your earning potential. It seems like your parents are subsidizing your lifestyle. Now that you've done your degree, it sounds like it's time for you to find a fulltime/better earning career, and for your dp to look at his long term goals and do some training or qualifications that will help him get a better job.

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